Fairy Tales of Mass Murderers and Detectives
by Hunter Kitty
Summary: When fairy tales get a little boring, why not replace some of the characters with your favorite detectives and psychotic mass murderers of Death Note? Most couples will be LightxL
1. Snow White

Rating: T. For mentions of...stuff..., pretend swearing, and death. If I'm rating it wrong, tell me or something so I can get it right for whatever other crap I may write. (Oh, and I'm doing ratings for each chapter and not the whole thing. Just in case.)

Summary: Snow White, Death Note style. Queen Misa is jealous of Prince L, and so seeks out to destroy her competition from Prince Light's affection. Mello and Matt co-star as the magic mirror and castle hunter, respectively.

Warnings: Really, the rating is for Mello yelling stuff (I replaced swears with -insert swear word here- because I don't really like swearing) and at the end when someone ends up dying and two guys walk to a bedroom to 'do stuff that you probably don't want to hear about'. Oh, and there is some very very slight MelloxMatt (but only if you squint and look through a magnifying glass) and some not so slight LightxL (because they end up married like Snow White to Prince Charming) Oh, and there is some definite OOCness. So BEWARE!

Spoilers: Aside from the appearance of Mello and Matt (who appear after or around volume seven of the manga and episodes 25-27 of the anime) I don't think there are any spoilers.

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note (it belongs to Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata) and I also don't own Snow White (Like all fairy tales. I don't know for sure who it belongs to.)

A/N: 'Ice with that Burn?' (it appears in the epilogue) is just some random joke of mine. I always have Mello say it because I like how it sounds. Don't be all 'blarg I hate it, flame and burn', please. It's just my little joke.

Oh, and this story is mainly meant to (hopefully) make people laugh a little bit so try not to be all serious. Please. Pretty please?

And this is my first fanfiction ever posted here! -throws confetti- So even if you people aren't happy, I sure am!

(Note: Just recently (Around late June of 2008 or so) I've started fixing up the typos and replacing the chapters. If you see any mistakes, send me a message so I can fix it since I'm a perfectionist and want this fanfiction to have as few grammar/spelling mistakes as possible.)

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Once upon a time there was a queen and she had a kid and named him L. We don't know why. Most of the most reasonable ideas had something to do with an overdose of one or more drugs. For the sake of the story, we're going to assume she had waaayyy too much alcohol and was pass-out-drunk at the time. And due to all the alcohol in her system, she died before the poor kid was even one.

So a new queen took over. Queen Misa had a magic mirror that she named Mello. Every day while she brushed her hair and applied make-up (which, to Mello's displeasure, took hours) she would ask the mirror...

"Mirror, Mirror on the wall,

Who's the fairest one of all?"

And the mirror would grumble that she was. And Misa would be happy and run off to try and catch the attention of Prince Light.

As L grew older, he became weirder. Talking less, going out into the sun less, _sleeping_ less, and others.. But all his quirks made girls interested and so his odd habits were his beauty. Many a fair maiden tried to win his heart. L didn't really care and often turned down their dates unless there was cake involved.

One day, when Misa asked her mirror the same old question, she heard something different. Rather than the usual mutter, she heard papers shuffling. Then Mello burst out laughing.

"Ha! Sucks to be you, Misa! Turns out, you _aren't_ the fairest one of all anymore! It's L! LOL! You got PWNED!" he laughed.

The mirror continued laughing while Misa fumed. If she wasn't the prettiest, then Light wouldn't love her anymore! (Not like he did already. It was all in her head.) So she stormed off and fetched the castle hunter, Matt, and ordered him to take L off into the woods and kill him, bringing back L's heart as proof. The hunter bowed before shuffling off to fulfill his queen's desires.

L hesitantly agreed to go along after Matt held out a compact mirror and showed L how sickly pale he'd become, arguing that it simply _couldn't_ be healthy to sit inside all day every day. ("It's bad enough you're not sleeping! Seriously!" Matt exclaimed.) However, once they got into the forest and Matt noticed how not-deserving-of-death L was, he changed his mind and explained to L the queen's jealousy. L listened carefully and told the hunter to kill a sheep and give it's heart to Misa while L himself would stay in the woods to hide. Matt agreed and brought Misa the sheep heart.

When she saw the sheep heart, Misa screamed that it was disgusting and drippy before whacking it away where it splattered on Mello in a bloody mess. ("Oh, GROSS! Get over here you little -insert swear word here- and we'll see how 'fair' you are when you're BLACK AND -insert swear word here-ING BLUE!!" Mello had (loudly) protested while Misa and Matt fled the room in fear.)

Meanwhile, L had begun wandering around the forest in a search for a suitable home. It wasn't going well. It was a least a couple hours before he finally came upon a house. It was a bit short, but L's hunched stance allowed him to fit perfectly though the doorway. Inside, he was greeted by seven miniature old men with glasses and small grey moustaches who called themselves the Wataris. After L had explained his predicament, they all agreed to allow L to stay with them. So L stayed with the dwarves, helping them out whenever they needed some problem-solving advice (or couldn't reach a high up shelf).

Misa bounced about her castle with a joyful mood for the day, until she went back to Mello and asked who was fairest.

"It's L. He's still alive. And I'm not just saying that because you smacked a sheep heart into my incredibly sexy face," Mello replied, a look of disgust crossing his face at the mention of the sheep heart. Misa stared in shock for a moment, but was interrupted when she opened her mouth to speak.

"Yes, I am completely serious. Go plot evilly or something while I try to get this crap out of my hair," Mello sighed. Misa scurried off to plot evilly, as Mello had suggested.

After about an hour or two, Misa got the perfect idea. She ran down to the basement where all the wizards stored their potions and whatnot. Using one of the magical cookbooks, she conjured half a poisonous apple. The other half was safe.

After a quick costume and make-up change, she looked like a plain old beggar woman. Please with her appearance (and ignoring Mello's whining about his hair) she grabbed a basket of apples, one of which was the half-poisoned one, and skipped out of the palace and down towards the house of the seven Wataris (Mello had agreed to point her in the right direction if she gave him shampoo. She agreed.) All the Wataris were working in their mines so when she knocked on the door, it was L to answer. Misa stuck her foot in the doorway just before L re-closed the door.

"Please listen to my request, young man," Misa pleaded in her normal-civilian impression. "I am selling some nice apples. Would you care to buy one?"

"No," L replied as he tried to pull the door past Misa's foot. Misa frowned, then went to plan B.

"They're perfectly safe. Look, I'll eat one half and you'll know it's not poisoned," she reasoned, chopping the poisoned apple in half and eating the non-toxic portion. While doing so, she also broke off a small portion of the poisoned part.

As L was about to protest once more, Misa shoved the piece of poisoned apple down L's throat and made her escape as the prince coughed and hacked to get the apple piece out of his throat. Eventually, he suffocated and collapsed at the door. And that was right where the Wataris found him when they returned from work. Distraught, the tried everything to wake their friend back up. Cold water, shock therapy, even pain. But alas, nothing worked. So in order to preserve his memory, they placed L's body into a glass coffin so that when they visited each day they could see him.

After Misa had returned home, she ran up to her room to ask Mello who was fairest.

"You are, this time. Now shut up because I don't give a flying -insert swear word here- about your idiotic obsession," Mello snapped, rapidly pressing the keys of his cell phone. (He was text messaging Matt, in case you were wondering.) Misa squealed with delight and pranced off to visit Prince Light.

However, Prince Light wasn't in his castle at the time. He had gone out into the woods to walk and think about how he was supposed to make the hundreds of girls who bugged him each day leave him alone. Just as he was contemplating the cost of setting up an electrical fence, he came upon a glass case with someone inside of it. Curious as to why there was an unconscious man in a glass case, he carefully pulled the cover away and simply stared. This person seemed familiar...Wasn't this Prince L from the other kingdom? Someone had shown him a picture or something and suggested they be friends, but Light had been too busy with castle matters to visit.

And then, he got the most brilliant idea ever. If he married Prince L, then girls would stop bugging him! That was just insane enough to work!

Since he was so pleased with this idea, he bent over and kissed the other prince right on the lips (and LightxL fangirls cheered offstage). No one really knows how (the castle pharmacists said it could have been subconscious shock), but somehow, someway, the piece of poisoned apple got dislodged from L's throat and he sat up, pushing Light away and coughing to remove the obstruction that had kept him in some sort of temporary coma. Once he had caught his breath, he looked around, eventually settling to stare at Light. Light stared right back.

"...Wanna get married?" Light asked.

"Sure, Why not?" L shrugged.

So they both went back to Light's castle and arranged for the marriage. They lived happily ever after.

Epilogue:

Misa brushed her hair as usual in the morning and asked Mello who was the fairest one of all. She was befuddled when Mello glanced at his computer and burst out laughing, neglecting to give her an answer. She got her answer when Matt (who was promoted to the position of royal messenger) handed her the invitation to the wedding of Prince Light and Prince L.

"Heh heh...Ice with that burn, Misa?" Mello snickered. "Serves you right for the sheep heart thing."

She reluctantly attended, bringing Matt along as her escort. Matt brought Mello since the mirror threatened to throw glass shards at him if he didn't get to come. Everyone at the party glared upon Misa's arrival, having already heard L's story (and they all remembered it due to how amazing it made their prince appear to be to have survived all that) and as punishment, Prince Light declared that she had to wear iron shoes that had been heated in the blacksmith's fire. Being that this was her love and idol Light, she put the shoes on, but soon hopped and ran and danced herself to death in the burning shoes.

After about thirty seconds of her dancing, Prince Light and Prince(ss) L both got bored and went back into Light's castle and to his bedroom to do stuff that you probably don't want to hear about.

Matt and Mello stuck around and watched the entire ordeal, the latter laughing his head off. As she bounced around, Matt turned to Mello and said,

"I think she really does need some ice with that burn."

END

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A/N: Yes, I have very weird epilogues. The epilogue is where I stop making everything make sense. Oh, but there is a version of Snow White where the evil queen dies that way. Or, at least I've heard of it. Pretty sweet if you ask me.

-throws more confetti-


	2. Rumpelstiltskin

Rating: K+ Just to be safe. If I'm rating it wrong, tell me or something so I can get it right for whatever other crap I may write.

Summary: Rumpelstiltskin, Death Note style. Light is ordered by Queen Misa to spin straw into gold. While he can't accomplish this, a small person known by a single letter can, and just might. For the right price.

Spoilers: Uhhh...Mello and Mikami Teru show up in the story but they don't play a major role and you can probably get the basic idea of the story without knowing who they are. L's name does not show up in this fanfiction, so no worries there.

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note (Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata do) and I don't own Rumpelstiltskin either (I dunno who owns that. It's not me.)

Warning: Light will marry Queen Misa (though he doesn't actually like her), this is not a yaoi story (sadly), the characters will probably be pretty OOC, and this is childish and stupid humor.

A/N: 'Ice with that Burn?' (it appears in the epilogue) is just some random joke of mine. I always have Mello say it because I like how it sounds. Don't be all 'blarg I hate it, flame and burn', please. It's just my little joke. If you don't like it, then please feel free to complain within your head.

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Once upon a time there was a small family of millers. One day, the miller who lived there with his wife and child was invited to the castle to meet Queen Misa. The queen was annoying, but if he could win her favor the quality of life for his family would be greatly increased. So in an effort to impress her, he proudly proclaimed that his son had the ability to spin straw into gold. Misa was greatly interested by this and ordered that the miller's son be sent to her castle the next day to show her this amazing straw-to-gold magic.

So the next day, the miller's son Light found himself in a room filled with piles of straw. The queen had instantly fallen for him on sight, what with his great build and attractive attractive-ness, but she knew her squire, Matsuda, would never let her marry him unless he actually could spin straw into gold. So she had to put the miller's words to the test.

"I'll be back tomorrow! If the straw isn't gold, I'm afraid I'll have to throw you out of the kingdom. That would be awful..." she sighed sadly, before perking up again. "Good luck though!" And with that, the door slammed shut behind her and Light was left on his own in the room of straw with one day to somehow turn it all to gold.

"...When I'm banished, I'll have to make sure the town I go to isn't full of idiots," Light grumbled. It was so stupid. Why had she believed that he could spin straw into gold? It was impossible!

"That would be 'if' you are banished, Yagami-kun." Light turned towards the window when he heard the voice and saw a weird little person sitting in his windowsill. The person there was short and had messy black hair on his head and dark black lines under his eyes. He wore a simple white shirt with a pair of baggy blue jeans and no shoes or socks. Overall, he appeared to be the definition of weird. Light wouldn't be surprised if he looked in a dictionary and found this man's picture under the definition of odd, strange, or downright abnormal. Seriously, the guy couldn't even sit right! He balanced on his feet with his knees pulled up to his chin. Light was very very tempted to go over there, poke the stranger, and see if he would lose balance and fall over. But that would be rude.

"It's 'when'. 'If' would mean I have a chance. There's no way I can spin straw into gold," Light scoffed. He didn't even want to know how his little guest knew his name and why he was acting so familiar.

"There is no way you can spin straw into gold." the odd stranger echoed. "But there is a way that the room can still be filled with gold." Light paused for a moment to actually listen. What was his visitor suggesting?

"I can spin the straw into gold for you. But I won't do it for nothing," explained the stranger, lifting up his index finger to chew softly on it.

"Alright. What do you want?" Light asked curiously.

"Cake. Strawberry cake. That would be nice."

"...Cake? You're offering to spin straw into GOLD and all you want for it is cake?"

"Would Yagami-kun rather I ask for something different? Your house? Your family? Your firstborn?"

"No, cake is good!" Light blurted quickly. "I'll get you a whole strawberry cake if you can spin all this straw into gold!"

When the stranger's face lit up with a smile, Light knew he wouldn't have to move out after all.

"YAY! Nice job, Light-kun!" Misa shrieked excitedly as she tackle-hugged her dearest Light. Said teen cringed and nearly fell over at the display of affection. He was lucky that he had good balance. He was unlucky that Misa's squire had not believed that Light had actually spun the straw into gold. So now poor Light had to sit in an even BIGGER room and spin straw into gold. His visitor from before had already been paid so Light was on his own this time. Misa wished him good luck again and shut the door.

"Does Yagami-kun have a habit of getting into difficult situations or is it just these few times?" asked an all-too-familiar voice from the window once the door had shut.

"Oh, it's you again."

"I am not U, Yagami-kun. If you wish to call me a letter, please call me L."

"Why L?"

"Why does it matter?"

"Point. So will you help again?"

"Will I-"

"Yes, you will get more cake."

And with that conversation over, L moved on to spin all the straw in the room to gold while Light sat back and wondered when logic had flown out the window. Probably when it had gone to tell this little straw-spinning freak where Light was and what he needed help with.

And the next day, the room was once again filled with straw and Light was once again glomped by an overly-excited Misa. Her squire had come up with the excuse that the 'third time's the charm' and said that Light had to spin one more huge room of straw into gold. But once this room was full of gold, he would marry Misa and be rich. He may not have liked Misa, but the idea of being rich and powerful was very appealing.

So once the door was closed, Light focused his gaze towards the window just in time to spot L comfortably perch himself on the windowsill.

"I don't have any more ingredients to make cake. Think of something else," Light interrupted before L could speak. There was silence as L carefully pondered his options.

"Shame. Guess I really will have to take your firstborn this time..." L shrugged as if it were no big deal. Light didn't care much either. He wasn't planning on having any kids.

Years later, Light had married Queen Misa and became King Light. And soon enough, Misa managed to beg and whine that they should have a child. It took nine months, but soon they had a nice baby girl. The thought of L never even crossed his mind.

At least, until a short, messy-haired little man showed up in front of the throne. Luckily, Misa had gone away for the week so she didn't have to hear about the whole story.

"What do you want?" Light sighed, already knowing.

"You know very well what I want. It was part of the deal."

"Yeah, I know. What would you do with a kid anyways?"

"Eat it."

A very awkward silence followed.

"...I was joking, Yagami-kun."

"Thank God."

"You really thought I would eat your child? I am not that low, Yagami-kun."

"Whatever," Light groaned. Misa would kill him if he handed over their child to L. "Is there any way I can change the deal?"

L brought his thumb up to his lip and chewed quietly, deep in thought.

"...Guess my name." he finally replied.

"...What?" Light asked incredulously.

"You heard me. Guess my name. L is obviously not my real name. If you get it right within the week, I will leave you and not take the child. I'll give you today to think up as many names as possible. I'll return tomorrow." And with a snap of his fingers, L was gone in a cloud of smoke. Light coughed a bit before gazing after him with confused eyes.

"...I wish I could do that..." he mumbled to himself.

The next day, L returned. Light listed off every name he could think of for two hours before giving up for the day. None were right. He'd tried simple names like John and Bob and more complicated names like Larinzihar and Carconsokate. He couldn't seem to get the right name. Luckily, L had decided to walk home this time and Light sent Teru, his most trusted knight, to follow the footsteps of the short little child-stealer.

The two hours it took for Teru to return were dull. But when Teru returned, things brightened up a bit. The knight looked exhausted, having run all the way back to report the good news.

"Great news, Sir!" Teru exclaimed cheerfully. "When L returned to his home in the woods, be started to sing a song and it went something like this..."

Instead of just getting right to the point, Teru decided to actually sing the song, much to Light's displeasure.

The horrible five-minute-long tune ended with a line declaring 'He'll guess wrong and wrong and wrong again, for Rumpelstiltskin is my name!" Light's mouth curled into his famed 'Exactly as planned' grin and he looked forward to the next day.

Sure enough, the next day brought L back in front of the throne for another guessing game. Light was still grinning as evilly as before. L didn't bother saying anything about it.

"Is your name Jake?" L shook his head no.

"Is your name Adrian?" Another 'no' reply.

"Is your name...RUMPELSTILTSKIN?!" Light yelled with a triumphant laugh.

"No, it is not." L spoke up this time around, knowing that Light would never see him shake his head with that giant cloud of an ego around his head. Light's maniacal laughter stopped instantly, much to L's amusement.

"...Say what?"

"It's not my name."

"But you said it was in the song!!"

"That does not mean that it is my name, Yagami-kun. I just like that song."

"But...But...But..." Light stuttered.

"I am not stupid, Yagami-kun. I noticed your knight following me. I am willing to change the deal though. You may keep your child as long as I may live in the castle and have all the cake I want."

"...Fine..."Light grumbled.

It was an adventure and a half trying to explain everything to Misa, but she was okay with it. And they all lived happily ever after. Except for Light. He had to live with two people he hated very much.

Epilogue:

It was another normal day in the castle...Light was strolling through the kitchen, already used to the fact that there was never any cake mix, frosting, or strawberries in any place in the castle at any time of day. L didn't sleep at all so whenever there was cake, it didn't last. All birthday cakes were replaced with cucumbers. ("They're so good for you, Light-kun! Misa-Misa doesn't want to get fat!" Misa explained.)

However, today something a little different happened. Light walked through the kitchen to the coffee-maker, ignoring L at the table, but halfway through the huge kitchen he slipped on a puddle of frosting and fell right onto his butt, staining it with the white sugar.

"Can't you clean up after yourself??" he fumed, finally snapping as he glared at L. "There's a mop in the closet! It's bad enough you're weird and eat nothing but cake and won't even tell us your name!"

"Why don't you clean up the mess with your ego, Light-kun? We all know it's big enough to wipe the whole kitchen in a minute," L scoffed, taking another bite out of his cake.

Out of nowhere, a ten-pound bag of ice flew through the air and whacked Light in the head.

"HA! Ice with that burn, Yagami?!" Mello laughed offstage.

"That's not funny you chocolate-addicted GIRL!" Light yelled back.

"I AM NOT A GIRL!!" And before one could say 'strawberry cake', Mello and Light were beating the crap out of each other offstage while L sat calmly in his chair finishing up his cake. And SOME of them lived happily ever after. Light and Mello weren't very happy and the bunny outside the castle wasn't living.

THE END

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A/N: No, there wasn't any point or sense to the epilogue. Don't ask.


	3. Cinderella

Rating: T for the h-word and d-word. If I'm rating it wrong, tell me or something so I can get it right for whatever other crap I may write.

Summary: Cinderella, Death Note style. When Prince Light hosts a ball, he ends up falling for the strangest of the guests.

Spoilers: Takada, Mikami, and Mello show up. But that's pretty much it I think...

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note (Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata do) and I don't own Cinderella either (I think it might be Disney's now...Not quite sure...)

Warning: Childish and stupid humor, LxLight, one-sided MisaxLight, and a little dash of Takada/Mikami. Oh, and plenty of OOCness

A/N: ...I got nothing this time...

ONCE UPON A TIME (because it doesn't get more uncreative than that...)

There was a small boy named L. No one knows why he was named that. Anyway, L's parents got a divorce and he stayed with his dad. His dad remarried, then committed suicide. We suspect his new wife was so damn annoying that he couldn't take it anymore (and that's what he screamed on the way down the cliff) so he killed himself. That left L with his stepmother and stepsister. Just that was a migraine on it's own. To top it all off, they both hated L with the flaming passion of a yaoi scene in a fangirl's imagination.

The stepmother (named Misa) and the stepsister (Named Takada) were both very jealous of L's good looks. That or the fact that he ate sweets all day and was still as skinny as a twig. Because of their jealousy, they always made L do all the chores. They always teased him by calling him 'Cinder-L-a' because cleaning out the fireplace always covered him in ashes and cinders and his lack of weight made him look rather feminine. In return, L hid snakes in their beds once a week.

One day, the royal messenger, Mikami, was sent by Prince Light to deliver a message to everyone in the kingdom. This included Misa and Takada, and they eagerly read the invitation. Apparently, Prince Light and King Yagami were looking for someone for Light to marry and so everyone in the kingdom was invited (including men, because they were that desperate to find someone Light would like) to a grand ball. Both of the girls squealed in delight at the chance to marry the prince and demanded that L help them get ready, for the ball was that very day in only three hours. L replied that he was male and while they could force him to help with make-up and hair, he wasn't going to help dress them. Misa screamed that he was a pervert and dragged Takada to their room.

It took a full hour and a half for them to pick out dresses. Then Misa yelled for L to come help them tie their ribbons and choose colors. The next hour was spent deciding which of the twenty shades of black went better with Misa's eyes, which ribbon should be used to tie up Takada's hair, and overall doing everything hair and make-up related for two obsessed females.

It was a wonder he hadn't gone insane yet.

The make-up took another hour, then just to be sure they wouldn't be late, Misa and Takada scurried out the door. They yelled out for 'Cinder-L-a' to be miserable about not going and he could cry them a river of tears to wash the dishes. Then they took the river of tears back because if he did that all the food would taste all salty.

"Fine by me," L shrugged, curling up in a chair with a good book. "I don't want to go anyway."

"Oh you're going to that ball and you're going to be so damn beautiful only a corpse wouldn't marry you because corpses are DEAD!"

L whipped around to stare at the room's new occupant, a blonde guy dressed in tight, black clothes and glaring at him as though he were a murderer.

"Who are you and why are you in my house?"

"I'm Mello. I'm your fairy godmother–"

"Father."

"Right. I'm here to grant your wish to go to the ball."

L blinked in confusion. "Will you grant my wish for some strawberry cake instead?"

"...No."

"Some fairy you are..."

Mello decided not to respond to that, and instead simply shrugged.

"Just go get one of whatever type of vegetable Misa's growing out back, about nine mice from the basement, and a rat from the attic. Oh, and get me some chocolate while you're at it."

L almost protested, but decided against it. The ball was likely to have some nice sweets and he might as well go. So he went to Misa's garden and grabbed a tomato, to the basement to retrieve nine mice (they had a mouse problem) and to his own bedroom to get a rat (he had been planning on throwing it in Misa's bed for all her whining last week. Revenge was so very very sweet.) Once he had everything, he went back to see Mello, who was poking around at the wand and mumbling something about that shade not matching his hair.

"What are you doing?" L asked, holding out all the requested animals and the desired vegetable.

"Designing the look you're going to wear to the ball. Go out and wait in the front yard. I'll be there in a minute."

It actually took ten minutes for Mello to finish. When he did, he used a couple waves of the wand to turn the tomato into a giant carriage, the nine mice into nine horses with beautiful blue ribbons in their manes, and the rat into a carriage driver guy. While L stared on in amazement, Mello drew a couple finishing touches to the outfit in his mind before zapping L. When the magical sparkles faded, L was in a giant dress with ribbons and lace and everything.

"...I'm not wearing a dress," L snarled, giving Mello a glare that would make a bear scream in terror.

"Oops...Wrong button..." Mello shrugged, shaking off a little stardust on the wand before trying again. The next try, L was wearing an elegant white suit with a nice black bow-tie. It overall looked very nice.

"...This thing is uncomfortable..." L muttered. Without letting Mello argue, he walked back into the house and in a minute or two came back wearing his usual white shirt and blue jeans with a triumphant grin on his face.

"...Well at least you'll stick out in all the groups of nicely dressed people," Mello sighed.

"Thank you, Mello."

"Can I at least fix your hair?"

"Not if you value living."

Mello pouted, but let it go. L looked odd enough to get the attention of the prince.

"Oh, and the magic wears off at midnight so leave by then or you'll have to walk. Considering you aren't wearing shoes or socks, that's probably not very good. I'm gonna go raid your kitchen of anything chocolate since SOMEONE neglected to bring me any. Good luck!"

And with that, the carriage driver got the horses started as Mello shoved L onto the carriage and went back to the house. L sat down, already imagining all of the desserts that the ball would have. There would be cake.

It took only about ten minutes to reach the castle. As Mello had predicted, once L had entered, everyone's gaze was on him. That included Prince Light. It didn't include L, who was staring at a delicious looking strawberry cake.

Prior to L's arrival, Light had been bored out of his mind. Every girl (and guy) in the kingdom was a complete idiot. They all acted the same, dressing and acting their best to impress him but still appearing stupid. Plus his dad kept dragging up every good-looking girl to make him dance with them. Thankfully, the king had started to lose hope and Light was allowed to just sit back and relax.

And he had just started that when every seemed to stop and stare towards the door at the latest arrival. He had messy black hair, a white shirt that looked too big on him, and baggy jeans. He was the only person in the entire building who didn't look their absolute best. And somehow, that interested Prince Light.

L immediately walked over to the cake table (thankfully he wasn't kicked out by Misa or Takada. They had both left to another hallway to discuss a plan to gain Light's attention. Everyone else had also gone back to whatever they had been doing before his arrival) and picked up a large slice of strawberry cake. After one bite, he decided that it wasn't sweet enough. Fortunately, he spotted a small bowl of sugar not too far away. That would do for now.

By the time Light got there, L had sprinkled the entire contents of the sugar bowl onto the cake and begun eating with a blissful look on his face. Light watched on in disgust, until the stranger finally noticed the stare and turned around.

"Can I help you?" L asked after swallowing the piece of cake in his mouth.

Light resisted the urge to ask how the _hell_ he was able to swallow down all that sugar and not puke, and instead put on a bright smile.

"I want to dance with you." he stated, rather than asked. L gave him a stare blanker than a piece of paper, before replying,

"And I would like to eat cake. I find my desire to be more reasonable," he explained, shoving another piece of cake into his mouth. As Light simply stood there in shock of his denial. L was nearly done with his first piece of cake by the time Light spoke again..

"Listen, I am a PRINCE."

"I am aware. Does Prince Light-kun think I don't know the face of our kingdom's prince?"

"What I mean is that you can't deny a prince who wants to dance with you."

"I already did. Would Light-kun like me to refuse again?"

"I'll ask you nicely one more time..."

"Prince Light-kun didn't ask nicely to begin with."

"JUST DANCE WITH ME, DAMMIT!" Light finally snapped and yelled, drawing the attention of nearly everyone in the room. The two geniuses stared at each other for a long moment, before L broke the silence.

"If I dance with Light-kun, will he control his temper and restrain himself from throwing me out of a nearby window?"

"Deal."

Which lead up to L and Light both dancing across the floor, L not really getting most of the moves and Light freaking out about trying not to step on L's toes, because he knew that stepping on the toes of someone who is both shoeless and sockless wasn't the best thing ever.

L managed to keep an eye on the clock the entire time and at about 11:45 he declared that he had to go.

"What? Why?" Light had whined.

"Because if I don't then my ride home will turn into a tomato, nine mice, and a rat," L explained on his way out the door, not even bothering to explain.

L arrived home by midnight, kicked Mello out of the house (since now the kitchen was lacking any sort of chocolate), and went to bed. He woke back up at three AM, just in time to deal with Misa and Takada's complaints about how the prince wouldn't dance or talk to anyone else after some strange person arrived.

"And it's weird because all the descriptions of the strange guy sounded exactly like you, Cinder-L-a!" Misa whined, glaring at him accusingly. L paid no attention to her and instead went to the kitchen to find a cookie or seven for breakfast.

Sadly, before L could retrieve his morning sugar intake, there was a loud knocking on the door followed by two loud whines from Misa and Takada for him to answer it. He sighed, but went anyway. They sure weren't going to answer it. Upon opening the door, he came face to face with none other than Prince Light.

There was another round of staring before Misa and Takada came down the stairs, wondering who it was. When they saw the prince there, they both shrieked with joy, pushing L aside and dragging a very confused Light off to the kitchen for tea.

"Actually, I came to talk to the guy who answered the door. I'm trying to find the guy I danced with at the ball yesterday so I'm going around town trying to find him," Light explained after everything had been set (as neither Misa nor Takada had listened to him while they had been making the tea and everything.)

"But Misa-Misa made L stay at home yesterday! He wouldn't have been at the ball! Why not just marry Misa-Misa? She's much prettier than L." Misa flitted her eyelashes in an attempt to act cute. At that moment, L walked in and resumed his search for some cookies. Light watched him over Misa's shoulder, ignoring the girl completely.

"Hey, L?" At the mention of his name , L turned towards the prince with a questioning stare. "Were you at the ball last night?"

"Yes, I was," L replied before continuing to scrounge around the cabinets. Misa and Takada stared on in shock while Light's mouth curled into a smirk.

"Well, would you like some cake?" Light offered, pulling out a slice of the strawberry cake from before, this one also coated in sweet sugar. L's face lit up and he nodded eagerly, walking over to snatch the cake from Light and happily shove some into his mouth.

"Yup. That's him," Light grinned.

"How do you know?" Takada questioned.

"Because every other guy I gave a slice of that cake to threw it up and complained that it was way too sweet." Misa and Takada stared at each other, both silently agreeing that he wasn't wrong on that.

His love found, Light proceeded to sweep L off his feet and carry him back to Light's carriage. They went back to Light's castle, got married, and ate the best wedding cake the world ever knew.

Misa cried herself to sleep every night since her true love decided to marry her stepson instead of her. Takada, however, got over and instead married the castle messenger, Mikami.

Mello rubbed his triumph in his rival (Near)'s face and took his best friend, Matt, out to a bar to celebrate.

And everyone (except for Misa) lived happily ever after.

A/N: Light always makes a good prince, L always makes a good princess, Misa always makes a good witch, and Mello always makes a good mystical creature. That's the way it works. Well, in my head at least.

Oh, and I only wrote three of these so far so if anyone has a suggestion, feel free to tell me or something.


	4. Sleeping Beauty

Rating: T for the d-word and some kissing. If I'm rating it wrong, tell me or something so I can get it right for whatever other crap I may write.

Summary: Sleeping Beauty, Death Note style. Mello decides to take revenge on the kingdom by sentencing their prince to death to age sixteen, Near changes the spell from death to sleep. Light must wait (unconsciously) for true love's first kiss to wake him up.

Spoilers: Well, there's Mello and Near. But that's all, really...Fairy tales aren't very good for spoilers.

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note (Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata do) and I don't own Sleeping Beauty either (I think it might be Disney's now...Not quite sure...Fairy tales are hard to tell that stuff with...)

Warning: Childish and stupid humor, LxLight (delicious yaoi...They even kiss this time around!), and plenty of OOCness

A/N: Mello makes a surprisingly good evil fairy...Which sounds kinda weird but totally makes sense (ha...good evil fairy...)

I had been planning on writing the other story I was working on, but those nice reviews were just so darn motivating I had to write another fairy tale for you guys! And I got two favs! Can you believe it? I wasn't expecting...well, ANY!! Certainly not that fast! I feel so happy I could puke up rainbows of M&Ms and Skittles! (Mini-disclaimer: I don't own M&Ms and Skittles either. They are just delicious and colorful goodness.)

THANKS TO ALL MY REVIEWERS!!

Right here. Aren't they awesome? I think they are!:

Magic-Noise

Deception Point

Synonymous Brian

BoogiepopShippuden

This story would normally start with 'Once upon a time...', but that's getting boring so it has been kicked out a window. Check the bar down the street.

In the magical kingdom of Kanto, there lived a king and queen. Neither of them had names, so they shall be called King and Queen.

The King and Queen had invited all of the kingdom to their castle to celebrate the birth of their first child. Their son brought new joy and love to their lives ((Holy crap that was sap-eriffic! Sappy with a capital S!)) and so they named him Light after how he 'lit up' their lives. ((At least their reason wasn't a drug overdose. (coughSnowWhitecough) ))

They had invited not only all of the kingdom, but also the seven fairies who lived within the nearby Forest of Rainbows and Unicorns. As gifts, the seven fairies decided to bestow baby Light with many gifts.

The blue fairy gave Light a beautiful voice to sing with. The red fairy granted him courage and leadership. The pink fairy granted him handsomeness and good looks. The purple fairy granted him charm. The yellow fairy granted him the ability to comfort people easily. The green fairy granted him intelligence.

And just as they were finishing up their gifts, another fairy barged in. The black fairy, Mello. He had, unfortunately, not received an invitation because of a certain incident from the past year that involved spray paint, the castle walls, and an ice-cream truck. No one had spoken of it since. Nonetheless, Mello was furious that he had been left out of the party (because parties meant cake and chocolate and you could never go wrong with chocolate.)

"And just why wasn't I invited to this party? You invited all those other guys! But not me?" he ranted. Noticing all the fairies crowded around the baby, Mello deduced that they had all been bestowing nice and happy gifts. Seeing this gave Mello the perfect idea for some sweet revenge.

"Well, since we're all granting gifts..." Mello confidently strode over and pulled a very menacing looking black ball from his pocket. "I grant the gift of death. At the age of sixteen, baby Light will...ah..." He paused momentarily. "One minute, I'm thinking of something cool and malevolent that'll come out from nowhere...Got it! At the age of sixteen, Light will prick his finger on a spinning wheel and drop dead. Like, right there." He dropped the ball onto baby Light and it vanished in a poof, setting the spell on the child.

Mello focused an evil glare at the white fairy, Near, before saying, "I swear, I'll find some way to blame this all on you if it takes me...er...Sixteen years!" he growled, before snickering maniacally and clapping his hands twice. This action (for some reason) allowed him to poof away in a very cool cloud of black smoke that ANYONE would be totally jealous of.

Then Near, the final fairy to give a present, stepped forward to grant his gift to baby Light. "Due to the severity of Mello's spell, I can't reverse it completely. But I can weaken it. When Light is sixteen and pricks his finger on a spinning wheel, he won't die, but instead fall into a deep sleep. And so he won't be lonely when he wakes up, everyone in the kingdom will fall asleep as well."

While it wasn't exactly the best situation ever, the King and Queen were still happy that at least their little baby wouldn't die.

So the years passed by and Light grew up (and the King had every spinning wheel in the kingdom burned in a giant bonfire of flaming glory and joy). He was beautiful in every way possible and all the girls in the kingdom wanted to marry him. Things moved along in the kingdom as everyone nervously watched their calenders. Soon, around sixteen years passed by.

Prince Light's sixteenth birthday seemed to sneak up on them and before they knew it, that fateful day had arrived. The party seemed rather tense, as everyone worried over what would happen.

Light was bored out of his mind, not sure why everyone seemed so worried as he had not been told the tale. Then, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a hallway that seemed unfamiliar to him. Curious, he waited until his parents were checking over a list to ensure there were no spinning wheels in the kingdom before sneaking away to the mysterious hallway.

The hallway lead up to a spiral staircase that went up and up and up some more and just when he thought it was over (the path turned smooth), the stairs started again. Just as Light was about to give up and slide back down the banister (dizzy as it would make him), he reached the door. He grinned in victory and threw open the door to be faced with...

MORE STAIRS!! Ha, I'm just messing with you! Betcha didn't see that one coming.

He stared into the room where an old lady was spinning on a spinning wheel, muttering an unladylike curse every once in a while.

"What are you doing?" Light asked, having never seen a spinning wheel before (they had all been burned).

The old woman turned to him with a kind smile that almost looked like a smirk if you looked at it from the right angle (Light didn't.)

"Why, I'm spinning wool with this spinning wheel. Would you care to try?" she asked kindly.

Light shook his head. "No thanks. I don't really like crafts."

As he turned to leave, the old woman morphed and transformed into none other than...

MELLO! (I'm not lying this time.)

Mello ripped off the needle of the spinning wheel while yelling, "PLAN B!!" before whipping the needle at Light's hand. The needle pricked Light's finger and he dropped to the ground, fast asleep. Mello blinked, mildly shocked at how well that had worked out.

"...Why the hell didn't I do that in the first place?" he muttered to himself while poofing away back to his own home to watch some medieval TV (even though medieval TV sucked.)

As Light fell asleep, so did everyone else in the castle, just as Near had said. The king, the queen, the guards, the peasants, everyone fell into the same deep sleep as Light, only to awaken once their prince did. (Which is a pretty sucky fate.)

To keep the kingdom safe from any evil intruders (and raccoons), the seven good fairies (meaning all the ones that weren't Mello) used their magic to have giant thorns grow around the kingdom. And I mean HUGE thorns! Like, 'totally able to impale someone through the skull' thorns. Yeah, pretty scary.

A couple months later, a lone knight rode by the slumbering kingdom, having run out of supplies and in need of food, some water, and a nice comfy bed because while he didn't sleep often, horses weren't very good pillows. (They move around and bump and run over rocks and neigh and whinny and whatnot.)

He stared at the giant thorns with a frown. '_This kingdom must really hate raccoons..._' Knight L mused to himself. But he figured that since he wasn't a raccoon then if he cut through the thorns then perhaps he could reach the kingdom and resupply there. Mind set, he pulled out his sword and began to carefully slice at all the thorns in his way.

Hours later, Knight L had managed to slice his way through the thorns with only a few cuts and scrapes and one medium sized spike protruding from his arm. Yeah, ONLY that. Lucky him.

He began shuffling his way to the castle, content with having passed through all those thorns. The closer he got, however, the more sleeping people he found on the ground. He had poked a couple to make sure they weren't dead, but everyone was simply asleep.

"Odd place to nap..." he mumbled, wondering why everyone had suddenly dropped for no reason. Once at the castle, he found even more sleeping people laying around. But the thing that really caught his eye was an odd hallway. Something about that hallway just seemed to draw him in...

In to the torture of a nearly never-ending spiral staircase of doom! Evil laughter here Due to a certain prince's experience (coughLightcough) we already know the story of the stairs. So I'll just fast-forward to the top.

By the time knight L had reached the top, the spike wound in his arm had started dripping and left a solid trail of red blood up half the stairs (and the fake ending) and he felt as though he could collapse right there. Maybe all the sleeping people outside were asleep because they had gone up and down the stairs and were too tired to reach their beds. Strange as it was, it made a surprisingly good amount of sense.

L impatiently whipped the door open and stared inside only to see some teenager asleep on the floor. Well, at least he wasn't the only one who felt like he could pass out at the top of those everlasting stairs...

But there was someone else in the room too. A fairy in black with bright yellow hair that totally didn't match his outfit at all. (Not that L cared.)

"I'm Mello," the fairy introduced himself. He cleared his throat before beginning his short summary. "Sixteen years ago a spell was put on that guy on the floor right in front of you so that he would prick his finger on a spinning wheel and then he and everyone else in the kingdom would fall asleep. The spell can only be broken by true love's first kiss."

Happy with his little tale, Mello grinned and stared at the knight. L stared back with a look that said 'and what does all that have to do with me?' Mello sighed, before speaking again,

"Just kiss him." L's eyes widened at that.

"Wait, I never met him and yet I'm supposed to give him 'true love's first kiss'?"

"Yeah. Kiss him."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"FAIRY TALES AREN'T SUPPOSED TO MAKE SENSE! Just kiss him!!"

"...No."

"Kiss him or else I'll tie you down and force you to kiss him. And then it will be a full on make-out-for-thirty-minutes kiss. And I'll record it on my brand new digital camera."

Rather than argue that digital cameras didn't exist back in medieval times, L decided that he'd rather do a quick kiss and get it over with than be forced to make out with a sleeping teenager. He sighed, couched down, and planted a kiss right on Prince Light's lips.

The prince woke up, of course, and opened his eyes just enough to notice that there was a really hot knight kissing him and he should probably kiss back. So he wrapped his arms around Knight L's neck and pressed forward.

Much to L's surprise, the once sleeping Light suddenly reached his arms around his neck and kissed back. It was unexpected, and while not all that bad, L remembered that he still had a spike in his arm. His reminder was a sudden shot of dizziness, which caused him to promptly pass out and fall forward. Right onto Prince Light. Lucky Light.

The Prince yelped as his rescuer pitched forward, and it was only then that he noticed the giant spike/thorn/thing in L's arm. (Took him long enough.)

"Oh CRAP!" Light yelled, picking up his newfound boyfriend and rushing back down the infinite stairs. Thankfully, everyone else had woken up as well and they were able to get L's arm bandaged. Then Prince Light married Knight L (Mello was invited to the wedding as well to avoid any more curses) and everyone lived happily ever after. Even Mello.

Who was, meanwhile, still up in the tower room (it was like his secret hideout now). Near came by, wondering what mischief Mello might be up to, but was surprised that Mello had woken up Prince Light rather than killed him. When questioned about that, Mello replied,

"If you're not gonna let me kill him, then I can at least get him married to an insomniac."

And aside from a few arguments over whether or not Knight (now Prince) L would EVER go to sleep, they all lived happily ever after...

HAPPILY EVER AFTER!! THE END!!

A/N: I don't like the ending of this one as much as my other ones but oh well.

Again, thanks for all the motivating reviews! You guys rock!!


	5. Little Red Riding Hood

Rating: T/K+ for mild violence. If I'm rating it wrong, tell me or something so I can get it right for whatever other crap I may write.

Summary: Little Red Riding Hood, Death Note style. A child version of L gets delayed by Misa wolf on his way to Grandfather Watari's house. Woodsman Light and the Mello squirrel appear as well.

Spoilers: Mello and Matt show up. But that's pretty much it I think...

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note (Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata do) and I don't own Little Red Riding Hood either (I dunno who owns it.)

Warning: Childish and stupid humor and some OOCness

A/N: L is a kid in this one, just so you know. It was written to celebrate my first ever request for a story. Yay! Thanks to Whisper-Otonashi! And thanks to all you reviewer people! VIRTUAL HIGH FIVES! holds up a virtual hand

For those of you who gave me ideas, have no fear! They have been scribbled/typed down on my ideas list and I'll get to them soon enough. Rapunzel I can do, Beauty and the Beast I'll need to look up (cause I don't know much of the storyline), and I'm trying to cast The Little Mermaid (Mini-Disclaimer: I don't own any of those stories) I'm going to put a poll on my profile for you guys with accounts who read this to vote. So even if you don't want to review, please at least give me a vote!

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Once upon a time there was a little boy named L. Some of the neighbors (who actually lived miles away because L lived in the middle of a FOREST and no one else really wanted to live that close to a bunch of trees and bears and wolves.) Who stopped by every couple of years or so would call L 'Little Red Riding Hood' because of the red hood he always wore. Honestly, he hated the damn thing but it was a gift from his grandfather, Watari, and it would disappoint the old man if L didn't wear it. And disappointing the only family member he had left was not the smartest of ideas. And L always had the smartest of ideas. Always.

But one day, poor Watari fell ill. Which left little L to retrieve medicine from the nearby town (if you can call ten miles on foot nearby) to help his old grandfather. The walk to the town wasn't particularly difficult, but the walk to Watari's house would be a little more dangerous. He'd lately heard of some wolf attacks in the area, so he would have to be careful not to stray from the path. It was a good thing L was a smart little boy and wouldn't be distracted.

So he packed a basket full of the medicine Watari needed (and a slice of delicious cake, a generous gift from little L) and walked out. (He's not a girl. He doesn't skip merrily down the lane.) It was the middle of the afternoon, but the trees let only spots of light to the floor.

"Someone should get an artist here. It looks so pretty," L mused.

Not too far away, there was a wolf staring at L and the basket he was holding. She licked her lips, wondering if there were any sweets in the basket and wondering what would be the easiest way to catch and eat the little boy. She came up with a plan quickly, and trotted out to speak to L.

"Hi there, little boy!" Misa wolf cheerfully greeted. "What do you have in the basket there?"

"Why should I tell you?" L asked. That pretty much ruined Misa's plan right there. But she wasn't giving up just yet.

"Misa-Misa is just curious. Can't she start a friendly conversation? WHY DON'T YOU LIKE MISA-MISA??" she bawled, crying her eyes out. Her acting lessons would surely pay off.

...Don't ask me where a wolf got acting lessons. I have no clue.

"...Misa-san is a wolf," L felt the need to state the obvious because it apparently wasn't getting through Misa's skull. "I don't believe it's smart to trust someone who likely wants to rip my flesh off my bones and eat me."

"ICE WITH THAT BURN?" yelled a nearby Mello squirrel.

...That was completely and totally necessary. I had to. Couldn't resist.

Misa...Well, she really _did_ need some ice with that burn. She had nothing to reply to that. But she had to think of something...Something intelligent...

"WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN TO MISA?! You're not even giving me a chance!" she screeched.

It was a smarter plan than it may seem. Her high-pitched wails nearly bursted L's eardrums, and he tried to keep from strangling her right then and there.

"STOP THAT!" he finally snapped. "If I tell Misa-san where I am going will she cease her unnecessary shrieking?" Misa bounced and nodded yes, finally shutting up. L sighed, before continuing, "I am bringing medicine and cake to my sick grandfather at his home in the woods. Is Misa-san content now?"

She was, but only because she now had an even better idea. She remembered seeing a house in the woods, but the man inside had shots her away with a shotgun before she could eat him. If she could delay L, then she could eat up the sick old gentleman, dress in the old man's clothes (crossdressing!), and then eat L as well. Oh, and then eat the cake and sell the medicine on E-Bay.

"But it's such a nice day outside! Why not go smell the flowers and bring some back to your dear sick grandpa?" Misa suggested, holding down a devious smirk.

"Watari-san does not require flowers and it is imperative that I bring him the medicine as soon as possible," L stated emotionlessly, starting to walk past Misa. Out of fear that her plan would fail, Misa reacted quickly and did the first thing she thought of.

Smash L's head into a nearby tree, knocking him unconscious.

She stood there for a moment, dazed and surprised. "Why didn't I do that in the first place?" she wondered.

"Whoever said violence doesn't solve problems should be dragged out into the street and shot." Mello squirrel scoffed.

So with L delayed (and bleeding. And unconscious. And possibly with a minor concussion.), Misa snatched L's red riding hood and scampered off to Watari's home. Wearing the coat, she fooled Watari into thinking she was L (we don't know how that worked) and easily swallowed the old man whole. (Despite the fact that she's a wolf and not a snake...) Then she resumed her plan, changing from L's red riding hood into Watari's suit. (Egads, the logic holes! The logic in this story is like Swiss cheese!)

As Misa completed her task, there was a (pretty hot) woodsman out exploring the forest for good firewood. The last thing he expected to find was an unconscious kid in the middle of the forest. Guess who was really surprised? Woodsman Light was! Guess what he found? He found L, still unconscious on the forest floor! Wow! Who saw that coming? ("I DID!!" yells the Mello squirrel. But Mello squirrel should stay quiet because he's a squirrel and not really part of the story. Sad. Poor, poor Mello squirrel...)

Thankfully, Light had brought a canteen of cold water and his emergency first aid kit (because woodsmen never know when they might hurt themselves while swinging around a giant, heavy, sharp ax) and so he splashed the water on L's head, waking him up quickly. As he wrapped the first aid kit's bandages around the bleeding head wound, L explained what had happened. While Light had trouble believing that a wolf had actually smashed L's head into a tree, he believed it because there wasn't any other reason. L had hit his head way to hard to have just walked into the tree.

"Now I fear for Watari-san's health...Misa-san may have eaten him by now..." L mumbled, thinking as he crouched in his thinking position. Light sat down normally next to him, also trying to come up with a plan. It didn't take long. Two geniuses together usually creates a good plan pretty quickly. Their plan made, L lead the way over to Watari's house.

Just as Misa was beginning to lose patience (having slightly forgotten that she could have given L a concussion or worse, killed him), L walked in and simply stared at her.

"...Watari-san, you have been neglecting to shave your face. I believe your moustache has spread," was the first thing out of his mouth. Of course, he could already tell that it was the Misa wolf. This was all part of his plan. And, dare I say it, it was all going...

EXACTLY AS PLANNED!! (It's the Death Note equivalent of Naruto's 'Believe it!')

"Urm...Yes, I have," Misa replied, trying her best to imitate an old man's voice. "All the better to tickle you with." L had the 'WTF are you talking about?' look on his face, but continued anyway.

"I do believe your ears have grown as well," L commented, appearing as though he was measuring them in his head.

"All the better to hear you with!"

"Have you been experimenting with a new toothpaste brand, Watari-san? Your teeth have grown abnormally large..."

"All the better to eat you with!"

Misa leapt forward and swallowed poor little Red Riding L in one huge gulp. We seriously have no idea how she fit an entire old man and kid in her stomach. Or her throat. Or her mouth, for that matter. Again, story logic Swiss Cheese.

Full and content with her large meal (and forgetting the basket L had dropped by the door), Misa lay back on the bed and instantly fell fast asleep.

Once things had fallen silent, Light slowly peered through the bedroom door from the hallway and saw the giant wolf sleeping on the bed. His first thought was, _'Holy crap that kid really __did__ get his head smashed into a tree by a wolf'_ His second was, _'Now's my chance!'_

He slowly crept into the room and over to the sleeping wolf, pulling out his spare steak knife (because all woodsmen carry spare steak knives). At the bed, he carefully sliced Misa's stomach open and pulled out a very sticky and odd smelling Watari and L.

Despite being eaten, both Watari and L agreed that they shouldn't kill Misa. So using a spare needle thread they managed to sew her stomach back closed. (Here we go again with the logic flaws...) When she woke up, she was thankful and promised never to eat them again. So they released her into the woods. Watari and Light both moved in with L (deciding that L shouldn't live on his own and Watari would be safer there than in the middle of the forest in his old house.) They sold Watari's old house to a squirrel named Mello and his best squirrel friend Matt.

And they all lived happily ever after! The End.

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A/N: My favorite line ever: "Whoever said violence doesn't solve problems should be dragged out into the street and shot."

Mello is a freaking GENIUS!


	6. Three Little Pigs

Rating: K/T. For cannibalism. I dunno why else and I'm too lazy to go look.

Summary: The Three Little Pigs, Death Note style. Three kids go out to build their own houses, but they have to watch out for the big bad psycho mass murderer, Kira!

Warnings: LightxL ness, OOCness, and childish and stupid humor. Beware. Rawr.

Spoilers: Aside from Mello and Matt showing up, nothing really.

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note (it belongs to Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata) and I also don't own the Three Little Pigs story. I have no idea who does.

A/N: I'm not sure if 'Three Little Pigs' is actually a fairy tale or not but I wanted to write it anyway. It's kinda short though, so I apologize for that.

Once upon a time (I just keep doing this! Stupid uncreative starting sentence)...

* * *

There were three little people (because pigs are kinda weird in my opinion), two boys and one girl. When they all grew up to be teenagers, their parents kicked them out of the house and told them to get their own places. As they left, their mother called out after them to be sure to watch out for the big bad psycho mass murderer, Kira. They all boredly replied 'yes' before dashing off to create their super-sweet houses.

The first pig, Misa, found some straw on sale at StrawMart and decided to build her house out of straw. It had four large rooms, a straw bed, and An HD plasma screen television! (The TV, surprisingly enough, was also made out of straw. We don't know how.) It was overall a very nice house.

As Misa settled down in her nice straw chair to watch some nice straw TV, she heard a knock on the door. She dashed over and peered out the peephole only to see the very (hot) psycho mass murderer her mother had warned her about!

"Open up the door so I can eat you (ONOEZ! He's a cannibal now too!) Or else I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down!" Kira yelled loudly, despite the only barrier being flimsy straw. Why the hell was he even asking her to open the door anyway? Beats me.

"Misa-Misa can't open the door! Even if you are extremely hot and delicious–" Kira interrupted Misa in the middle of her exclamation,

"Delicious?"

"Yes, delicious. Even if you are extremely hot and delicious, Misa-Misa can't let you eat her so she will not open this door!" she continued. Kira narrowed his eyes into a very menacing (and yet also very sexy) glare.

"Then I will huff and puff and blow your house down!" Kira proclaimed. But first things first, he kicked the door down. Because you can't break into someone's house without kicking the door down. You just can't. That's the way it works. Once he had kicked the door down (revealing a very baffled Misa) he huffed and puffed and blew the house down. (I'm jealous of his lungs. Think of how easy band class would be!)

Her straw house demolished, Misa screeched like a five-year-old in fear, effectively paralyzing Kira so she could run off and to her brother, Matt's house. Surely Matt would have a beautiful and sturdy house made of sticks that she could hide in!

...He didn't.

When she arrived, the entire house was a mere pile of ashes. She stared at him with the ever-famous 'WTF' look and waited for him to explain. They stared at each other for a good minute or so before Matt finally spoke.

"I guess stick houses just don't work well for smokers," he shrugged. "Ah well. I think the wood chairs gave me splinters in my butt anyway." Misa nodded in understanding just as Kira ran up in a rage.

His rage ended when he saw the pile of ashes that should have been a house. Again, 'WTF' look.

Matt sighed, before explaining to Kira as well, "I lit the house on fire with my cig."

Kira glared at Matt as well. "Nice going. Now the whole story's ruined, Matt."

"No it's not. Here, we'll stand on the ashes and you can blow those away." Matt pulled Misa and himself onto the pile of ashes. Kira shrugged and decided to go along with it. He walked up to the pretend door and knocked a couple times. Matt made a show of looking through a pretend peephole.

"Oh no! It is the psycho mass murderer that our mother warned us about! Misa, go hide!" Matt yelled in a non-realistic and bored way. Misa just kind of ducked down, pretending to hide behind an imaginary sofa.

"Open up this door so I can eat you two or I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down!" Kira yelled very theatrically.

"Cannibalism sucks! We don't want any! Go away!" Matt shouted back.

"Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down..." Kira stared at the pile of ashes. "I'll blow your pile of ashes away."

"Oh no! Not my pile of ashes! That's my one weakness!" Matt rolled his eyes.

As Kira leant over to blow away the pile of blackened ashes, Matt took the opportunity to give him a swift kick right where it hurts. As Kira fell over and started writhing around on the ground in pain, Matt and Misa stopped to stare for a bit before running over to stay with their friend Mello. Surely Mello would have a sturdy house built of brick and concrete that could take shelter in. And brick wouldn't burn. Mello didn't smoke anyway.

...No, nothing at all is wrong with Mello's house. In fact, it looked perfectly fine.

The problem was that Mello was already dragging his collection of chocolate out of the house and leaving.

Matt and Misa instantly rushed up.

"Mello, where are you going? You house isn't blown down yet! Brick can survive easily!" Matt argued.

"Mello! Don't leave! We need you to protect us from Kira! Well, I do. Not so sure about Matt," Misa whined.

"Relax," Mello rolled his eyes. "I'm just going to Uncle L's house. Brick houses are nice, but you can't beat a twenty-three story tall steel skyscraper. You just can't."

Matt and Misa went silent for a moment, before mumbling their agreements and following Mello to L's house/skyscraper.

Kira stopped at the brick house and, assuming they were all hiding within, knocked on the door. No answer. He tried again. And again. And again. But to no avail. Thinking that they were all just ignoring him, he decided to simply skip straight to the huffing and puffing. But he simply couldn't blow the house down. Brick just doesn't blow down that easily. So instead he went out and rented a wrecking ball machine and broke the house down. No one was there. Confused, he looked around to see where else they could have gone to. The skyscraper certainly stood out.

He walked over to the skyscraper, but when he knocked on the door, it was answered by an EXTREMLY HOT (in Kira's opinion and the opinions of fangirls everywhere) detective.

"...Aren't you that mass murderer?" L asked.

"Yes, I am. Marry me?"

"...Only if you won't kill anyone."

"Okay."

And so they got married in the sappiest (and maple-syrup-y-est) wedding ever known to the history of man (and a couple histories of dolphins).

Then they all lived happily ever after. (And held a marshmallow roast using Misa's spare straw and Matt's spare sticks from their houses. They were the tastiest marshmallows ever.)

The End.

A/N: ...Really, the only reason I wrote this was to have Matt burn his house down and to make them all play pretend that he has a house so Kira could huff and puff it away.

...Egads, I suck at marriage proposals. I am epic fail at proposals.


	7. The Little Mermaid

Rating: T for something or other. I'm lazy.

Summary: The Little Mermaid, Death Note style. L has become interested in the human world. Maybe a little too interested though, as he ends up in a more troublesome situation than he had expected.

Spoilers: None, really. (Aside from the appearance of Mello the Plot Fairy.)

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note (Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata do) and I don't own The Little Mermaid (I dunno who does...)

Warning: Childish and stupid humor, LxLight, one-sided MisaxLight, and plenty of OOCness

A/N: Yay! Another story! Here I am again! Uhhhh...Yeah, I got nothing to say. I like this one though. L got to be nice and evil.

And wanna know the number of hits for this thing?  
It's over ONE THOUSAND!! ( Lol random joke)

* * *

Once upon a time... (No comment.)

There was a giant ocean. (Hey, we have one of those things here on planet Earth!) And deep below that ocean lived a grand kingdom of mermaids and mermen. They were all happy and peaceful in their underwater utopia and nothing ever went wrong. (Except for a couple sea raccoons in the sea trash.)

But one day, the king had a problem on his hands. His only son, a merman named L, had taken interest in the world of the people who live on land. Compared to their city, the land dwellers lived in a dump. Trash everywhere, cruel people, and their horrible fashion sense! Well, he would admit that L wasn't exactly the best dressed (unlike other mermen, he chose to wear a simple white long-sleeved shirt that didn't accent, match, or bring out the blue color in his tail) but nonetheless, he was upset that his son was so fascinated by creatures so disgusting.

He'd tried to solve the problem by having guards keep an eye on L and make sure he didn't swim up to the surface to stare at the nearby town and castle on the shore. That failed spectacularly as L easily outwitted the guards. (Really, he just told them to "Hey, look at that!" and then sped off while they looked for whatever it was they were supposed to look for.) His next plan was to lock L in his room. Unfortunately for the king, L had managed to lock pick the door and sneak out. He tried combining those two ideas, but that didn't work either. (He was starting to regret having such a genius son...)

Meanwhile, L had his own worries. Or, more specifically, worry. A certain land dweller had captured his interest. Every day this human would walk across the beach, the breeze blowing and blowing his just a bit. The sexy hair-blowing-in-the-breeze combined with his sexy walking posture and sexy-ness made him, overall, very sexy. From the one time where this human had brought another along with on his beach walk, L had learned that the object of his affection's name was Light.

So every day, L would swim up to the surface of the ocean and simply watch this Light walk across the beach. It was a relaxing pastime.

Or, at least, it _was_ relaxing. Until one day when (the plot fairy decided to make things interesting) the tide rose up as Light was taking his daily stroll and easily swept away the shocked teen. L, also surprised at the sudden wave, ducked underwater and looked around. He found Light a little ways away, knocked unconscious from the blow (coughpansycough).

L considered the boy lucky to have had a merman nearby to help and swam over, grabbing onto Light's leg and proceeding to drag him back to the shore. When the teen was back on the sand, L finally let out a sigh of relief (slightly tired from having to drag someone onto the shore without using any legs) when he suddenly heard a mysterious voice behind him.

"Now sing a song, and then when he starts to come to in a very sexy and dramatic fashion, make a run for it," the plot fairy Mello whispered into L's ear. That comment earned him an extremely cold 'are you effing insane?' glare.

"It's in the script. Sing or I gouge your eye out with a spork." And with that threat, Mello pulled and spork out of his pocket and his face lit up with an evil smirk.

Mildly frightened, L gave in and began singing the first song that came to mind. Looking back, he would always wish he had sung something, _anything_, besides Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. But nonetheless, it did the trick. And just as Light's eyes started to flutter open (as Mello had predicted, it was a very sexy and dramatic waking-up) L turned and dove back into the ocean so that all Light saw was the end of a white shirt and a blue tail that looked very similar to the mermaid and merman tails from the fantasy books in the castle library..

Light was a prince, but no one believed him when he tried to explain that he'd been saved by a mermaid. ("Mermaids? No! That's about as likely as Light turning out to be a psychotic murderer!") Despite everyone's protests against it being a mermaid/merman, Light didn't listen and still thought his savior had been a mermaid or merman. So every day when he walked by the beach, he would watch the sea waves for any sign of the one who had saved him that day.

Which only made matters more difficult for L, who had to now stay a farther distance away and take short peeks so as not to be spotted. While he waited for Light's attention to waver, he kept cursing that plot fairy for making that horrible wave that caused this situation. Said plot fairy snickered and said that this whole disconnected love thing was freaking adorable and that fangirls would eat it up.

Then one day, L finally got fed up with watching Light constantly walk and stare at the ocean for him. But since he didn't want to go up and end up on the shore without being able to walk (sure Light might be thankful enough to sweep him off his feet/fin, but if they started dating or something L would be a little stuck when it came to getting around), he decided to visit the sea witch, Misa.

"WAIT!" she yelled as the little door bell rang. "I need to find a dress to wear!" L blinked, a little surprised. It was already ten AM, so either she'd woken up late or she'd taken a while to get ready for the day. It was a good thing make-up washed off in water and no one wore it here, or else he'd be stuck outside for a very very very very very very very VERY long time. Thankfully, it was only about ten minutes before Misa opened the door. But unfortunately, her smile turned into more of a glare when she saw who was knocking at her door.

Needless to say, Misa wasn't happy at L's arrival. She had had her eyes on Prince Light as well, and L's desire for land-people legs made her more furious. She knew that Light would recognize L's voice (she had laughed when L sang, but now that Light was so thankful she was beginning to be jealous) and so wanted to keep Light from marrying L. Then, an idea popped into her evil little head.

"Okay, I can grant your request." L was already suspicious of her tone (it was strangely evil today...), but he nodded since he wanted to be able to go see Light without having to be at a far away rock. "But in return, I need to take your voice." A strange request. L understood what she was planning. She knew Light would have recognized his voice. However, L had a plan of his own waiting, and he immediately nodded in approval.

"That is absolutely fine by me. Just grant my request." Misa seemed a little surprised at how easily he accepted, but nevertheless, cast her spell. L's voice (that, oddly enough, glowed a very pretty blue color for some reason) floated out of his throat and into a little shell necklace that Misa had pulled out of a drawer. (I'm jealous. I wish I could do that.) Once her price had been claimed, Misa smirked and waved him off. In an instant, L was teleported to the shore, just a little ways behind Light, and sitting on his butt. In front of him he could see that he now had two human legs that were covered in the human cloth that we would call a pair of blue jeans. He coughed a bit, the feeling of not having his voice being a little funky. Light heard this and turned around with a surprised look on his face.

"Who are you?" L tried to answer, before bitterly remembering that the sea witch had taken his voice. Inner cursing proceeded. Thankfully, Light noticed the failed attempted and put the puzzle pieces together.

"Can you not speak or something?" he asked. L nodded his head in response, shakily trying to get to his feet. It wasn't as easy as it looked, but thankfully Light managed to snag his wrist and hold him up before he fell back down on his rump. (Misa was fuming out in the ocean at all the attention the prince was giving L.)

"What's wrong with you? Did you just wake up from the dead or something?" That earned Light a good glare, similar to the one Mello got before. Thankfully, the prince took the hint and shuffled a couple steps back. Sadly, after being held up for just that bit and getting quickly used to standing, L was already feeling more balanced and he took the opportunity to kick Light in the shins.

"Ow..." Light whined. "I was just joking...Uh...Do you have a name or anything?" L blinked at the sudden question, and in response he held up a hand with the thumb and pointer finger sticking out in an 'L' shape. Light stared in shock for a moment, 'L' being a very odd name for someone. But when he asked if his name was L, L had confirmed that as strange as it was, it was his name

So even though he was very confused and his shins now hurt, Light decided to bring his newfound friend back to the castle with him. For some reason (maybe it was the whole beach connection), L reminded him of that time when he'd gotten washed away from the ocean. But he remembered hearing singing, and yet L had no voice. His parents had been baffled when their son brought home some random stranger he'd found on the shore, but they approved of his friend because hey, a friend was a friend.

And Light and L got along well (when they weren't arguing, though arguments were rather one-sided as Light was the only one who could talk and L usually decided to just give up on writing out everything and kick Light in the shin instead) and they were the best of friends.

Until one day, King Yagami brought a young girl up to Light's room and introduced her as Misa. He explained that she had come to the castle and asked for Light. Light nodded his okay (since his father was still standing there to make sure his son didn't fight with L or anything), and gave the girl a warm smile and greeting.

"Prince Light! How nice to see you again!" Misa screeched, though it was in L's voice. Both Light and L stared for a bit (L because he recognized his own voice and the shell necklace around Misa's neck, and Light because _damn_ that was a masculine voice for a girl) before Light decided to break the silence (since L couldn't.)

"Again? Where have I met you before?" he asked, though already beginning to recognize the voice.

"Remember? I saved you before when that wave came?" If L could have strangled her to death and gotten away with it, he would have. Light probably would have helped. But his father beamed, remembering when his son had come home drenched. He then declared that as thanks, Light should marry her. (Because that's the way to thank anybody for anything around here. I'm shocked I didn't marry Little Red riding L and the Woodsman Light...)

L held a cup of tea out to Light, who took it with a thanks. Then Light drank a little tea, and quickly spat it out into Misa's face before turning to his father with a loud, "WHAAAAAAAAAAATTT??"

But his father had decided, and so the marriage was set to be the next day, since the bride was horribly impatient.

Everything was set up (They'd let L be the ring bearer) and everyone was getting dressed. L was sitting in Light's room while the tailors fitted his suit for one last time, when he grabbed a piece of paper and started scribbling out a note. Light watched, and then read when L held it up.

'Will Prince Light-kun do me a favor before he is married?' it read. Light nodded a yes, and L wrote down something else. 'At the alter, please crush the shell necklace that Misa is wearing.' Light immediately agreed. He hated the thing anyway. It was so hideous.

So the wedding went as planned. Light and Misa were at the alter giving 'I do's and L was not far away, waiting for the moment to come. Finally, when the priest announced that Light may 'kiss the bride', Light instead reached forward, grabbed the shell necklace around Misa's neck, and easily crushed it in his palm. Misa gasped, and everyone watched L's voice (still glowing blue) float back into L's throat. L smirked, and got up to walk over to Misa.

"You lose," he announced. And then he did what anyone else would do in his situation.

He kicked Misa in the shins.

* * *

Epilogue:

Now that Light recognized that L was the one who'd saved him, the marriage was re-planned so that Light and L could wed. A very dejected Misa was sent back to the ocean to live in her witch-cave.

And for some strange reason, as she went to bed each night, she heard someone, a fairy perhaps, whisper right into her ear:

"Ice with that burn?"

* * *

A/N: The Mello plot-fairy can't resist the opportunity for an 'ice with that burn' comment. It's just perfect. It's his equivalent of Kira's 'Exactly as planned' which is trhe equivalent of Naruto's 'Believe it!'

I liked having L kick people in the shins. It's fun. L just makes a great villain, you know?


	8. Rapunzel

Rating: T for eye-poking-out-ness and making out passionately in a tree.

Summary: Rapunzel, Death Note style. L is Misa's adopted kid (WTF?) And attracts the intrest of a certain Prince Light.

Spoilers: An appearance by the oh-so-very awesome Mello the Plot Fairy, but that's pretty much it.

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note (Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata do) and I don't own Rapunzel (I'm too uninformed to know who does)

Warning: Childish and stupid humor, LxLight, one-sided MisaxLight, and plenty of OOCness

A/N: And back by popular demand is the Plot Fairy, Mello! YAY! I was writing this before, but got kinda distracted by other fanfiction ideas (that are totally not finished yet) but I posted the Mermaid one yesterday and I got like nine reviews (OMG! You guys all deserve applause! That is awesome!!) so I got totally inspired to finish what I had left of it before continuing my other ideas. So here I am! Again!

...Okay, I'll shut up now.

* * *

Once upon a time... (Here we go again...)

There was a woman (Who we shall call Jane) who married a man (Who we shall call Jim) (how detailed of me...). They lived conveniently (or not-so-conveniently) next door to a witch with a great field of flowers and herbs. Jane would often look into the garden (guarded by a tall fence) and see a bunch of this one herb called rapunzel. She always wanted to try some, but the witch was mean and would probably be mad at her if she stole some.

So she did the sensible thing to do. She went and bugged her husband about it. After nagging galore, he finally agreed to get her some. So he climbed the fence and entered the garden.

As he was picking some of the rapunzel for his naggy wife, the witch came out and screeched at him.

"Why are you stealing Misa-Misa's nice rapunzel?" Misa the Witch shrieked. "Misa-Misa took so long to grow it all and yet you are going to steal it?"

Jim, terrified, stopped picking rapunzel and begged for Misa to spare his life and he would do anything she asked.

"Oh, that's okay," Misa grinned as though nothing happened. "But since you are offering, Misa-Misa will let you take all the rapunzel you want if I can have your firstborn child (Where have we heard that before...)" Jim agreed.

So Jim looked up the stork's phone number (Stork Delivery Service! We have your child to you in less than ten months or your money back!). He called the number, and in nine months and three days they had a beautiful baby boy. In moments, Misa arrived to take the child.

"What will I name him..." she wondered as she took the child.

"Maybe Rapunzel since that's what we traded for?" Jim suggested. Jane slapped him in the back of the head before making her own suggestion.

"Name him L."

"Why?"

"Because I SAID SO!" And Jane's nagging was so intense that Misa agreed and took the boy, L, over to her house (which was actually a giant tower.) She didn't want L to run away from her, so she kept him in the top room of the tower. There were no doors or stairs to it, so Misa used a ladder to bring him up there and climb in through the window.

When L was twelve, the ladder broke. But Misa hadn't cut L's hair (except for in the front) for all those years and his hair had grown abnormally fast. So all she had to do was yell up:

"L! L! Let your hair down!"

If L was particularly picky that day, he would wait for her to say 'please'. But usually he would just wind his hair around a hook (conveniently located above the window), throw it down, and let Misa climb up for a visit. These visits usually involved Misa criticizing L's wardrobe and various random conversations (usually about how totally sexy that Prince Light was.)

One day when L was about sixteen, he was staring out the window and thinking. He was sick of living in a tower and only getting to see Misa all the time. It kinda sucked.

Then, down below, he saw a man (not Jim) riding by on a horse and looking so damn smug about himself that it made someone want to throw something at him.

Guess who that someone was? No, it's not the Muffin Man who lives on Drury Lane (Or wherever the hell he lives nowadays)

As Prince Light rode by on his fancy-pancy horse having a fan-flippin'-tastic day, something flew from seemingly that giant tower over there and smacked him in the noggin (I love that word.) When he looked down (in pain) to see what it was, he was surprised to find it to be a toy boat. Why someone had thrown a toy boat out of a tower, no one knows. But it was pretty painful.

Light glared up at the tower to yell something rude and insulting only to see the most beautiful, handsome, and extremely HOT (See, Light is sexy and L is hot. That's the way it works.), guy in the window. Right then and there, he made it his duty to stalk the crap out of the tower until he could kidnap and marry that guy up there.

So Light began stalking the tower. As he was stalking, a witch-lady came by and yelled up "L, L! Let your hair down!" At first he thought she was some mental institution breakout, but then to his amazement, the guy from before (not Jim, L) showed up and the window and let down some REALLY freaking long hair to let the witch climb up. Light grinned. His stalking mission had gone... (dramatic pause...)

EXACTLY AS PLANNED!! (I lurve that line!)

So the next day, Light set out on his mission to meet (and date and marry and make-out passionately with in a broom closet at midnight) the object of his affections (and stalker-like actions. But he's a very sexy stalker so no one minds. They just say 'Oh look at that oh-so-sexy stalker stalking that super-hawt guy up in the tall tower guarded by that evil witch lady' and then they forget the evil witch lady and swoon over the delicious yaoi to be had in this situation.)

He waited until the witch went up for the day, then once she came down and left, Light took his chance and ran over to yell up,

"L! L! Let your hair down!"

L was confused and wondering who this guy was. It sure as heck wasn't Misa. But then again, L was kinda sick of listening to only her mindless babbling anyway so he might as well. Shrugging, he hooked his hair (he really did need to get it cut...) Around the hook and tossed it down. He watched as his visitor climbed up and was actually pretty surprised to see the guy he had thrown a toy boat at before.

By the time he reached the top, Light was sick of climbing and already looking forward to sliding back down. (Could hair give someone rope burn? Or is it called hair burn?) But for now, he had a totally-hawt guy right in front of him. So he decided to use that super-amazing charm of his to woo his love intrest.

"You're really hawt. Date me."

Subtle, isn't it?

"Sure."

But then again, to someone who has talked to no one besides an evil witch, subtlety doesn't really matter.

Light grinned, and they both sat down and just talked for a start. Things continued like that, Misa talking to L, then Light talking to L, and so on and so forth. It went pretty well, and soon enough, Light found himself wishing that the tower had a broom closet for them to make-out in.

Until one day, Misa looked out the window while up with L in the tower and spotted Light staring up in the tower. At first she thought he was looking at her, but then she realized that no, he wasn't looking at her.

He was looking at _L_.

Furious, she went on a rampage, stomping about the room and screaming about how L was stealing Light's attention from her (though he didn't get how he had stolen something she had never had in the first place) She even decided that if she cut his hair then Light wouldn't like him anymore and wouldn't be able to come up. Even after snipping L's hair to be down to his shoulder's like a normal guy's would be, she was still mad. Then she finally just plain snapped and declared,

"If I put you out in that old forest out there then he'll never see you again and he'll love me instead!"

L's eyes widened, but before he could do anything, Misa's little magic minions had grabbed him and pretty much teleported him out into the middle of the giant forest that was conveniently located right next door.

Then, a few hours later, Light rode by again and yelled up,

"L! L! Let your hair down!"

And Misa hooked the hair around the hook like L did and tossed it down. Light eagerly climbed up, but was greatly disappointed to see Misa instead of L.

"Yay! Light-kun is here to see Misa-Misa!" she squealed. Light's eye twitched, and he could already feel his sanity slipping away.

"This is where you jump out the window," the Mello Plot Fairy whispered into Light's ear. The prince turned to ask him if he was insane, but then Misa resumed speaking.

"I threw that weirdo L out into the forest so now we can spend all of our time together! We can date and talk and get married and be together for the REST OF OUR LIVES!! Isn't that amazing?" she shrieked with joy.

Light's jaw dropped, and he dove out the window in fear (he could actually hear Mello laughing at him from the tower. He heard something like "Ice with that burn?" between the laughs) and landed in a pile of thorns that appeared magically out of nowhere. (It was probably Mello the Plot Fairy's doing.) The thorns somehow managed to poke his eyes out and make him blind.

Misa screamed for him to wait so she could help him, but that just made things worse and Light used his amazing navigational skills to stumble off in the direction of the forest.

It was another day or so before L and Light both finally stumbled upon each other (Light's blind, so it took longer than expected). Light only recognized his boyfriend by voice.

Then L got the same voice in his ear that Light got, telling him,

"Now start crying in a very hawt and dramatic way so that your tears of love fall on his eyes and heal them," Mello commanded.

"What, how are tears going to heal his eyes?" L asked. Mello ignored the question and, becoming impatient with all this crap, pulled out a bottle of pepper spray and fired it at L's eyes. That, of course, caused L's eyes to tear up. Seeing as he was crying anyway, L yanked Light into a hug and cried right into Light's eyes. And through some sort of fairytale magic, Light became un-blind.

"Ice with that eye-burn? No, I don't think that would help," Mello snickered as he flew away, his job here finished. "I'm going to go laugh at Misa's pain and sufferering."

Then they both made out passionately in a tree (because climbing up a tree made it so much awesomer. Seriously) at...about seven o'clock in the morning or so. Then once they had finished, they found their way back to Light's castle and got married and lived happily ever after. Misa was sad, and locked herself in the tower to cry her eyes out. She went blind. There was no one to cry on her eyes though (aside from Plot Fairy Mello. But he was too busy laughing at her misery to help out.)

And everyone (except for Misa) lived happily ever after.

* * *

A/N: Mello is the rawkin'-est plot fairy EVER. And I mean EVER. Give Mello a virtual high five. You know you want to.


	9. Three Billy Goats Gruff

Rating: T for mild swearing (I think...Maybe not...Can't remember...) and threats of sporking to death.

Summary: Three Billy Goats Gruff, Death Note style. Kira is a cannibal living under a bridge

Spoilers: ...Not much. Matt and Mello appear. Not many ways to spoil stuff in these fairy tale fics.

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note (Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata do) and I don't own The Three Billy Goats Gruff story.

Warning: Childish and stupid humor, LxLight, and plenty of OOCness

A/N: I am on a freaking ROLL this weekend! I like posting on weekends because then more people see it and while I'm not gonna beg for reviews or anything, seeing those hit and review numbers rise is like eating a big piece of strawberry cake. Sadly, this one is short. But I wanted a return of Cannibal Kira and I can't remember when but someone mentioned those three goats and the bridge troll story, and I just had to do it. I might try Alice in Wonderland, but I have never seen Pocahontus (or however you spell her name) or if I have I forgot it so I don't think I can do that one...

So despite the shortness, please enjoy this mini-chapter! Please? Pretty please?

* * *

Once upon a giraffe... (Hey, at least it's different!)

There was an evil, cannibalistic person named Kira who lived under a bridge. (Rent for living under a bridge was fairly low, so it was a good deal) And whenever someone walked by, he would eat them. The people in the town on the other side of the bridge kept wondering why they didn't get more visitors.

One day, there weren't many people walking over the bridge and Kira was getting kindof hungry. But he was in luck, because a group of four people were planning to visit the town. No one knows why, but they had decided to split into three groups on the way there.

The first one to walk over to the bridge was super model Misa Amane. She was headed to town for a photo shoot and to get some more make-up and whatnot. She was merrily skipping down the path when she trotted over the stone bridge that Kira lived under. Kira heard the noise, and yelled up,

"Who's that running over my bridge up there?" he roared. "Seriously! I just swept that thing and you're gonna get it all dirty again!"

Misa, not scared at all (because Kira was pretty darn sexy for a cannibal who lived under a bridge), introduced herself in her same peppy way.

"I'm Misa Amane! But you can call me Misa-Misa!" she giggled.

"Well, I'm going to eat you now! (OMNOMNOM!)" he declared.

"Oh no! Don't eat me! I'm a super model! I'm too skinny to eat!" she screamed in terror. "My friends are gonna come along soon and they aren't super models so they won't be as skinny as I am! Eat them instead!"

And while Kira was hungry, he couldn't argue her logic. So he let her cross the bridge. She thanked him and handed him her cell phone number before continuing with her merry skipping of merry merriment.

Soon enough, as she had said, Misa's friends came walking by. Matt and Mello were going to town to pick up a video game Matt had ordered online and get some chocolate for Mello.

"I'm telling you, that squirrel had something against me," Mello scoffed.

"No it didn't. You had no reason to yell at it like that," Matt said, staring at his portable game system's screen and rapidly pressing buttons. "I think you hurt it's feelings."

At this point, they had reached the bridge. Kira, having heard them stepping on the bridge, popped up over the side and yelled,

"Who's that walking across my bridge??"

Mello, surprised that someone had suddenly come up from the bridge, reacted by yelling as well. Though he yelled something different...

"OH MY GOD!! BRIDGE-STALKER!!"

And before you could say 'WTF?', Mello had sent his foot flying into Kira's face in a very powerful kick that sent the cannibal back down to the small stream below the bridge.

"LOL! You got served!" Matt laughed at Kira as he continued across the bridge.

"Hey! Adding insult to injury is MY job!" Mello complained. Then he magically produced a ten-pound bag of ice out of nowhere (because he is just that awesome) and dropped it down so that it smacked Kira right on the noggin. (I love the word noggin.)

"Ice with that burn?" Mello yelled down. "Don't try to stalk our friend who's coming by soon, Bridge-Stalker! Or I will spork you to death with a spork!"

Needless to say, Kira was very upset. He was most certainly NOT a bridge stalker. He was a cannibal! Huge difference. And he hadn't even been burned! (Not like that matters.) Worst of all, he was still hungry and his meal had gotten away. He consoled himself with the fact that Mello had said that their friend would be passing by soon enough. He would NOT let this chance pass him by.

However, once he saw who Mello's friend was, he decided that he could change his mind just this one time.

Because Mello's friend just so happened to be THE HOTTEST guy Kira had ever seen. EVER. _**EVER!!**_ The extreme hotness almost made him consider actually becoming a bridge-stalker just to stalk him.

They just kindof stared at each other for a little while, L confused as hell and Kira totally checking him out.

"...Aren't you going to try to eat me?" L finally broke the silence with his question.

"No. You're so totally hot I would burn my tongue."

"...That's nice..."

"Will you marry me?"

"Is this planned out at all?"

"No, I just decided. It's love at first sight. Marry me."

"...Only if we don't have to live under a bridge."

And so, they got married and decided to live under L's mansion (with the occasional visit above ground) and they all lived happily ever after (Again, excluding Misa because she was jealous of L for getting to marry the sexy cannibal.)

And the moral of the story is, if you're a sexy cannibal living under a bridge, hold out for the mega-hawt detective. Because the sexy cannibal Kira always ends up with the hawt detective L.

* * *

A/N: When Mello calls Kira a bridge stalker, he does NOT mean that Kira stalks bridges. He means that Kira is a stalker who stalks people from the safety of his own bridge.

And I am totally gonna have to have Matt say 'LOL! You got served!' some other time in this fanfiction because that was pretty rawkin' in my opinion. Mello can have 'Ice with that burn' and Matt can have 'LOL! You got served!' (And L and Light can have 'making out in a broom closet at midnight' which is actually sortof my friend's idea except his is more perverted-ish and weird so part-credit to him.)

No squirrel emotions were harmed in the writing of this fic.


	10. Hansel and Gretel

Rating: K+ for burning death-ness and threats of death-ness. (Possible swear or two. Can't remember.)

Summary: Hansel and Gretel, Death Note style. L and Light are ditched in the forest by the evil wife lady and come upon the gingerbread house of Misa the Witch.

Spoilers: ...Uh...Not sure...Matt and Mello pop up in the epilogue but that's like it.

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note (Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata do) and I don't own Hansel and Gretel. (Aren't they the Grimm Brothers' or something like that?)

Warning: Childish and stupid humor, LxLight, one-sided MisaxLight, and plenty of OOCness

A/N: Yup. Can't resist L and that giant candy house.

Oh, I forgot to mention this before, but I'm sorry to all Near fans. I don't really like him that much so he's not gonna appear that often. Please enjoy the silly antics of the other characters.

* * *

Once upon a time... (Someone help me think of a better intro or something because I'm sick of this one...)

There was a small family of a mom, a dad, and the two kids they had found in the forest and let live in their home. Sadly, they were poor and couldn't afford enough food. So they and their children, Light and L, began to grow thin (or in L's case, thinn_er_.)

"There's not enough food!" the wife nagged to her husband one night while the kids were in bed. "We're going to STARVE! Let's completely ditch those two kids in the forest. They're weird anyway. And I'm kinda jealous...That Light is to much sexier than me and that L is so much hotter than me..."

"But that would be, like, MEAN!" her husband argued.

"I don't care!" she cried. "Do you not love me anymore? OMFG YOU DON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE!! You're in love with THEM! Now we really have to get rid of them!"

The husband reluctantly agreed (because he feared a divorce). However, L (who never freaking slept EVER) heard their conversation. He decided that he would save himself and Light (whom he was totally in love with because they aren't actually brothers or anything so that's okay.)

So he walked out of his room and went outside to gather some really shiny pebbles and stuff them in his pockets.

"L? What are you doing?" the wife lady called out from within the house.

"Counteracting your plan and arranging to have you killed," he answered.

"Okay, sweetie! Have fun with that!"

"I will."

--

So the next morning, the wife lady and husband dude took L and Light out to the forest saying that they were all going on a 'family firewood-finding expedition'. As they walked into the forest, L dropped the pebbles behind him to make a trail. The husband dude caught him glancing backwards as he dropped them and asked,

"What are you doing, L?"

"Waiting for the assassin I hired to kill your wife to show up. He's late," replied L.

"Have fun with that!"

"I will."

...Yeah, they have some pretty messed up conversations.

Eventually, the husband and wife told L and Light to sit down and rest for a bit while they went to get firewood. They took that chance to make their escape and run back home.

L, having easily seen through their plan, grabbed Light and dragged him back, following the trail of pebbles.

"Wha-What? What are you doing, L?"

"Saving your life and plotting the downfall of the female in our family."

Realization dawned upon Light, and he figured out what they had been planning.

"They were going to leave us there to die because there's not enough food in the house, weren't they? Good plan, but she's gonna find out what you did and lock the door. I'll leave a bread crumb trail next time,"

"Very well."

When they arrived home, the wife lady was upset but the husband dude was happy. So the wife lady decided to try again. (Persistent, isn't she?)

So this time she locked the door to Light and L's room before she went to bed.

L, unable to get more pebbles to drop, decided that the only option was Light's plan.

—

So the next day, the same thing happened. The 'family' went out for more firewood. Light left trails of breadcrumbs from his lunch bread behind him. The wife noticed Light glancing back every so often and asked,

"Light, what are you doing?"

He answered,

"Feeding stray hobos."

"Why?"

"Your mom."

She didn't ask any more questions.

When they were pretty far into the forest, the wife and husband just plain left L and Light there and ran away back home. When Light looked back to his trail, he realized that the birds had eaten it.

"What are we going to do now?" he whined, before noticing a sweet smell in the air. He and L both turned towards the direction it seemed to come from and walked that way. Soon, they reached a house made entirely out of cake and bread. There were frosting and gumdrop decorations and the windows were made of clear sugar.

"...This is a diabetic coma in the form of real estate..." Light mumbled. But as much as he disliked sweets, he was hungry so he started to nibble on the walls. L had absolutely no problem with it whatsoever and joined in the eating of a house. (I am so totally freaking jealous.)

The witch (with a 'b') who lived in the house heard their nibbling and walked outside to see who it was.

"WHO IS EATING MISA-MISA'S NICE HOUSE?" she screeched. "First Misa-Misa's rapunzel and now this? Why do you people keep eating Misa-Misa's food?"

"We're eating your house," Light and L both replied in unison before introducing themselves.

Misa stopped yelling, because she thought that Light was super duper sexy and she wanted to kiss, date, and marry him. But she didn't like L and decided she would have to get him out of her way.

"Well then come inside! You can eat something besides Misa-Misa's house!" she invited. Light and L glanced at each other and shrugged before following her inside.

Misa had already thought up her plan. She was a cannibal witch, so she would let Light and L live here, and once L was a little more than just a sticky-twiggy skeleton, then she would eat him. (And Kira cheers in the background since he's not the cannibal this time around.) And with L gone, she would have Light all to herself.

When she offered both boys some cake (it would be suspicious to give L one thing and Light another), L accepted with a short "Thank you" and Light declined and asked for something that wouldn't make a dentist faint on sight. She nodded her approval and brought him something else.

This pattern continued for a few days. Misa was shocked. L was simply not gaining any weight. Even while eating disgusting sweets all day long.

"You really should eat something besides candy," Light scolded his friend. L got up from his chair, walked over, and kicked Light in the shins.

After about a week or so, Misa got just plain impatient. L was still exactly the same twiggy-ness as before! She was rather jealous. (Like the wife lady)

So one night when Light was asleep and L was...Well, NOT sleeping, Misa crept into their room and snatched L from the bed, holding a hand over his mouth to make sure he didn't wake Light. She'd already heated the oven up in advance, so she just tossed him down on the kitchen floor.

"Misa-Misa is going to kiss, date, and marry Light-kun so she is going to eat L-kun so she can have Light-kun to herself," she explained. "Go climb into the oven so I can eat you."

L, realizing that this witch was not exactly the sharpest crayon in the box, walked over and carefully inspected the oven. He had an idea.

"I do not think I will be able to fit in Witch-san's oven," he declared. "It is too small."

Misa blinked. She definitely hadn't seen that coming. Her oven had always been plenty big. And since L was so skinny, she had been positive he would fit.

"Don't try to trick Misa-Misa with your silly nonsense! Misa-Misa's oven is fine! Misa-Misa can fit in it, and she is the same size as L-kun!" she proclaimed.

"Then prove it," challenged L. Misa huffed and pushed him out of the way before climbing into the warm oven.

"See? Misa-Misa fits just fine! L-kun is WRONG!" she exclaimed.

"I see. Misa-san was right. Thank you for demonstrating." And with that, L closed up the oven door and locked it. (Why there was a lock on the oven is beyond me.) Then, just for good measure, he kicked the oven in...Wherever oven-shins are.

Turns out, Misa had piles of jewels and pearls and expensive outfits and gold and that kind of stuff around her house. Smiling, L woke Light up and dragged him over to where he'd found the treasures while explaining what had happened. Light was confused, but understood. It was mean to kill Misa, but if she had been planning to eat (WTF?) L, then it was okay that she was dead.

The two boys stuffed their pockets with treasure and decided to take another attempt at finding home. When they walked out, L pointed to a bird he'd see by their house a lot and they followed the bird back home. (Smart bird.)

The husband eagerly let them in. The wife had divorced him since he'd been sad over leaving Light and L. ("Actually, I think she was jealous of my socks," he explained.) Using the stuff that L and Light had brought back, they were able to buy food and they all lived happily. L and Light grew up to be very hot and sexy (respectively) and got married and lived happily ever after.

Epilogue:

The two plot fairies, Matt and Mello, sat on Misa's oven, still laughing at her pitiful death. She really should have seen it coming.

"Lol, she got served," Matt sniggered. He leaned over to peer into the oven, but then became quickly confused. Mello noticed this and also looked inside. Near Misa's skeleton was a little pile of burnt and melted plastic.

"WTF? What's with the plastic?" Matt asked, turning to Mello. (Since it was likely Mello's fault.)

"That sucks!" Mello complained. "The ice cube tray melted!"

* * *

A/N: Woooo! Notice my discreet and hidden 'Ice with that burn?' joke! NOTICE IT AND TREMBLE!

Matt is a plot fairy in training. I should totally write an fanfiction about that...


	11. The Princess and the Pea

Rating: K for having pretty much nothing in it.

Summary: The Princess and the Pea, Death Note style. Prince Light wants to marry L, but first he has to prove his love is a prince.

Spoilers: Uhm...Well, none, I think.

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note (Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata do) and I don't own

Warning: Childish and stupid humor, LxLight, one-sided MisaxLight, and plenty of OOCness

A/N: This one didn't turn out as good as I had hoped it would...I don't really like it...

* * *

Once upon a time in a land far far away there was one a time long ago where... (OH! COMBO FOR TEH WIN!!)

There was a grand castle in a grand kingdom that had a grand family. (Made up of a grand king with his grand queen and their grand but brideless son.) King Yagami was worried because his son was still unmarried and didn't find any of the fair (or cheating) maidens to be suited to his tastes. The king and the queen had decided that if Light didn't marry in a month, he would be wed to a beautiful lass named Misa. Light had hated this, but he didn't have much of a choice. He didn't like any of the girls in the kingdom.

He absolutely hated Misa, though. She was one of the worst.

So he was pretty much hoping to whatever great spirit may be up in that sky that someone from another kingdom would show up and save him from being forced to marry Misa. (Even though the girl seemed to excited to marry him.)

There was a knock at the door. It was so late, that it was actually pretty surprising. Plus there was a horrible blizzard whooshing about. Who the hell was out in this weather?

"I'll get it." he called out to his parents as he walked over to see who was at the door. He gently (and sexily) swung the door open and looked to see who it was.

He certainly didn't recognize the ultra-hot person at his door, but that didn't matter much. His visitor had dark black hair and eyes, and was wearing just a long-sleeved white shirt and blue jeans. He wasn't wearing a jacket. No wonder he was shivering.

The stranger blinked, and then pointed to Light's nose. "Nosebleed."

Light turned red (and not from the blood!) and wiped his nose off on a tissue he magically produced from his pocket.

"My name is L. I am a prince from another kingdom, but we were attacked by barbarians and I have been unable to locate any other survivors," he explained. Then he paused, and as a second thought added, "It's rather cold outside."

Light immediately dragged L into the house and shut the door, leading the confused L over to the living room and setting him on the couch.

"Of course it's cold outside! You can't be out there in a blizzard!" Light proclaimed, tossing a giant blanket over L's small shoulders. "You're staying here for the night."

L nodded, having not been given much of a choice in the matter. He had just been going to ask to borrow a coat, but this person (most likely Prince Yagami, according to the sign outside) seemed very insistent that he stay here. Odd... (Not to us!)

Light had already stomped off to the kitchen and started making some hot cocoa and thinking about how totally hot L was. Forget about Misa! He wanted to marry Prince L! (Oh yes you do, Light. You can't resist L's charms...I wish I could portray my evil smirk in writing...)

When he returned with a big mug of hot chocolate for his new love, he saw his parents already speaking with L. Once his father noticed him walk in, he immediately shot over and dragged his son to the kitchen to talk.

"What do you think of this L?" King Yagami asked.

"He's hot and I want to marry him instead of Misa," Light replied. King Yagami seemed surprised, but nodded.

"Well, we have to find out if he's really a prince first." He glanced out into the living room. L and Queen Yagami were chatting casually about dessert recipes. Perfect. The King draged his son over to the guest room and they both proceeded to pile mattress upon mattress upon mattress upon freaking MATTRESS. When they had grabbed all the spare mattresses in the castle and piled them up, the stack nearly reached the ceiling. There were about 23 of them.

Then, to finish it, King Yagami slipped a tiny, dried out pea in between the first two mattresses. He stepped back to admire their work.

"Only a true prince or princess would be able to feel that tiny pea through all the mattresses!" he laughed triumphantly.

"I don't get it. How is that going to work?" Light asked.

"Don't question it or I'll have to sic Plot Fairy Mello on you." That threat made Light shut up right then and there.

So the father and son went back to the mother and guest and joined in the conversation. After an hour or so, they all decided to go to bed (since it had already been night by then) and Light lead L to the room with all the mattresses.

L took one look at the giant stack before looking back to Light.

"If I fall from the top and become injured, I am going to blame it on Prince Light-kun," he said, grabbing a ladder from the corner and climbing all the way up to the top before curling up on the mattress pile. Light gulped, and stood by the ladder just in case the entire time. Once L was safely on the mattress, he left and went back to his own room for the night.

In the morning, the entire Yagami family greeted L at the front door to wish him off if he hadn't felt the pea under the mattresses or marry him to Light if he had. After everyone had said their good mornings, Light asked,

"How did you sleep, L?"

"I do not sleep often, Prince Light-kun. I merely sat and thought all night," L replied. Light was disappointed, but didn't let it show. This meant he would have to marry Misa.

L thanked them for their hospitality and had opened the door to leave when he suddenly stopped and turned back around.

"I am not sure if I am a bad guest for mentioning this, but I would recommend investigating those mattresses, King Yagami-san. I believe one of them may have a lump."

At that, Light instantly lept forward and tackle-hugged L, causing them both to go crashing to the ground.

"Yay! We can get married now!" he exclaimed with a sort of 'squee' look on his face. L's face said 'WTF', but he shrugged. His own kingdom was destroyed, so why not?

And so, they got married and lived happily ever after.

Epilogue:

Misa got the happy (not-so-happy to her) news in the mail the next day. There were three letters in her mailbox. The first one was the invitation, which she proceeded to cry on until it was all wet and soggy and gross. The second two were a little odd. They both only had one sentence. They said:

'Ice with that burn?'

And,

'LOL! You got served!'

She didn't know who they were from. (We intelligent readers sure do!)

* * *

A/N: I don't really like this one as much as the others...It's not as funny or yaoi-licious...


	12. The Tinder Box

Rating: T for death, violence, and possibly a swear or two.

Summary: The Tinder Box, Death Note style. After helping Misa, Light receives an old tinderbox that just might help him get the most beautiful (and hot) princess in the kingdom.

Spoilers: Uhh...None besides appearances from Matt, Mello, and Near. (Near appears for a change of pace!) Oh, and Mikami. But he doesn't really show up.

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note (Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata do) and most of these fairy tales belong to Hans Christian Anderson or the Brothers Grimm. Aka, not me. This one specifically is by Hans Christian Anderson.

Warning: Childish and stupid humor, LxLight, one-sided MisaxLight, very slight one-sided MikamixLight, and plenty of OOCness

A/N: Thank you to all you reviewer people for the constructive criticism! I changed the disclaimer and eliminated all those stupid parentheses comments (which I totally agree, they were outright idiotic) and hopefully this one sounds a bit less crack-ish. I'm not sure. I'm crossing my fingers on that one. So thank you thank you thank you!

The Tinder Box is by Hans Christian Anderson. I Googled 'The Tinder Box Hans Christian Anderson' to find it. Just search for that phrase exactly and it should be the first link at the top. It was suggested by fouloldron in a review from way back at chapter five. I was all busy with the common fairy tales that I already knew but I went to read it out of curiosity and it was so darn cool-sounding that I had to give it a shot. Longest fairy tale here so far. So thanks to fouloldron! I hope this doesn't suck! XD

* * *

Once upon a time in a land that's not actually that far away if you know the right shortcut...

There was a very strong and sexy soldier named Light who was walking down the road. As he was walking, he saw a girl. She glanced at him, then immediately grinned and latched onto his arm.

"Oooo! You are such a big and strong soldier!" she exclaimed. "So Misa-Misa is going to let you help her!" Just as Light had been about to ask why she expected him to help her, she continued, "You'll get all the money you can carry in return!"

Light wasn't greedy, but that was a pretty good deal. So he introduced himself and asked what he had to do to help her out.

"Okay, listen closely, Light." He nodded, showing that she had his complete focus. "You'll need to climb up to the top of that tree and there will be a hole there. Misa-Misa will tie a rope around your waist so she can pull you back up once you crawl into the hole and fall aaaaa-aaall the way down," she explained, reaching up and then lowering her hand to the ground to mimic 'all the way down.' "And then you'll be in this hallway with a bunch of lights and three doors." she held up three fingers. "And all three doors will have the keys in the locks so you can open them.

"So when you open up the first door, there'll be a little boy sitting on it and he'll have these big ol' eyes that are as big as...as..." she paused, and made circles with her hands, putting them over her own eyes to show how big the boy's eyes would be. "Like as big as teacups! That big! And he'll be staring right at you!"

"That sounds a little creepy," Light shivered a bit at the thought.

"Light doesn't need to be scared! Misa-Misa will give him her pretty apron with these nice blue checker squares on it!" Misa exclaimed, smiling cheerfully as she pulled a bright, blue-checkered apron from her purse. Light stared for a moment, confused.

"...An apron?" Light clarified. Misa nodded enthusiastically. "How is that supposed to help me?"

"Well, if Light puts the boy with the big eyes on it, then he can get to the treasure," Misa explained as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"...Can't I just set him on the ground?"

"That's boring though. Stop complaining. At least you're getting paid," Plot Fairy Mello added out of nowhere.

"Correct!" Misa chirped. "Fairy-tale rules say so! So Light will put the big-eyed boy on the apron and then he can open up the treasure chest and there'll be lots of copper coins inside. He can take as many of those as he wants."

"Or as many as he can carry. Whichever comes first," Mello added.

"Then he will have to go to the second door and enter the second room. And in there there will be another boy. He has big eyes too, except bigger!" Misa held her hands by her eyes again and spread out her fingers in a gesture of the word 'bigger.'

"As big as those wheels on a windmill. Huge eyes," Mello nodded his approval of their descriptions.

"And he'll be sitting on a treasure chest too! So Light will have to pick him up and put him on the apron too. Then Light can open up the second chest. That one will have all these pretty silver coins in it."

"Shiny silver coins. Like the moon," agreed Mello.

"And Light can take those too. They're so pretty!" Misa stopped for a moment, seeming to space out into her own dreamland. Thankfully she snapped out of it before Light or Mello had to slap her. "Oh, right. And then behind the third door there is–"

"Another boy sitting on a treasure chest with even bigger eyes than the last?" Light guessed. Misa and Mello both nodded.

"Eyes as big as...as..." Misa stumbled over her words as she tried to think of an analogy. She did wave her arms around in an over-exaggerated motion for how gigantic they were. "As big as..."

"A giant, twenty-three story skyscraper built by a hot, super-genius detective named after the twelfth letter of the alphabet!" Mello finished.

"Yeah, that! And then Light will have to put him on the apron too and then he can open up the chest and it'll be filled with even shinier gold coins!" Misa exclaimed.

"Even shinier than the silver coins! So shiny, you can kill ants by reflecting the sun off them," Mello put in his own two-cents.

"Um...Okay..." Light said, confused. He wasn't quite sure if he believed her, but it was worth a shot. "So what do I have to help you with?"

Misa blinked. "Help me?" she asked, momentarily confused. She soon remembered though, and one could almost see the lightbulb above her head. "Oh, right! Misa-Misa needs Light to get her tinderbox back! Her grandmother accidently forgot it down there and she misses it so very much!"

Light nodded. That didn't sound to hard. So he agreed, and Misa tied the rope around Light's waist and they both climbed to the top of the tree. There, they found the hole Misa had mentioned.

"Just yell when you've got everything, Light!" Misa said, handing him her checkered apron before shoving him down the hole. Light fell...and fell...and fell...Then passed a spiral staircase where another version of himself seemed to be climbing endlessly...then fell a little more...Then he hit ground, surprisingly uninjured. When he stepped forward, he stepped off the floor and fell some more before finally stopping.

As Misa had predicted, he was now in a brightly lit hallway with three doors in front of him. He walked over to the first door and, since the key was already in the lock, he swung it open.

Sitting on top of a treasure chest was a small boy with white hair and eyes that were about as big as teacups.

"I'm Near," he introduced himself.

"I'm Light," the soldier replied. Then Light spread the apron out on the floor and picked Near up right off the chest, carrying the boy over and setting him on top of the apron. Near said nothing more, simply sitting calmly.

And, sure enough, when Light opened up the chest there were piles and piles of copper coins. So he stuffed his pockets and wallet with as many as they could hold before returning Near to his spot on the treasure chest and picking the apron back up again. He gave a little wave good-bye before walking back out and heading over to the second door.

The moment he opened the door, a voice yelled, "STARING CONTEST!"

Out of sheer surprise, he blinked, and the red-haired boy sitting on the chest laughed. His eyes were huge! They were as big as...Well, as windmill wheels!

"Lol, you got served! I'm Matt," he chuckled. Light, still confused, introduced himself as well as he spread out the apron once more Then he simply picked Matt up off the chest (ignoring the boy's complaints) and set him on the apron.

When Light opened up the second chest and saw all the shining silver coins, he was amazed. Mello and Misa had been right, they were really shiny.

"Forget the copper coins!" he exclaimed. "These are so much more valuable!" So he emptied his pockets and his wallet of the copper coins and instead stuffed them with the silver coins.

When he picked up Matt again, the redhead complained, "What, you aren't even going to clean up after yourself? Thanks a lot..." Light ignored him and simply plopped him back down on the chest before retrieving the apron and moving onto the next room.

In the next room, the first, and only, things he saw were the giant eyes of the third boy. He had to move around a bit to see past those eyes since they really were as tall as skyscrapers...But he recognized the person behind them.

"Mello?"

"Have I freaked you out yet?" the former plot fairy grinned.

"Weren't you a plot fairy just before?"

"What, I'm not hot and awesome enough to play two roles? I'm not a main character like oh-so-special-Light. Don't deny my fans the joy of my amazing presence," Mello argued. And Light couldn't disagree. So he shut up and spread the apron on the floor, repeating the process of moving the boy and opening the chest.

Those gold coins were so fantastic and shiny that he tossed away all the silver coins and stuffed gold coins in all his pockets, his wallet, and in his shoes, hat, socks, and shirt. Then he walked back out and yelled up to Misa that he was finished.

"Did you remember Misa-Misa's tinderbox?" she called back. Light replied that he'd forgotten and went back into Mello's room.

"Hey, have you seen a tinderbox around here lately?" he asked, resisting the urge to flinch under Mello's intense gaze.

"Yeah, Matt's got it. He was using it to light cigarettes," replied the giant-eyed boy. Light thanked him and went back to Matt's room. Matt had been lighting a cigarette at the time, but handed over the tinderbox when asked.

Light yelled up again, and this time Misa pulled him back up. It was no easy feat, what with his pockets of gold, but she managed.

"Yay! Misa-Misa would like her tinderbox now, please!" she exclaimed.

"Wait a moment," Light hesitated. Misa stopped as he had asked, a confused look on her face. "Why is this tinderbox so important to you?"

Misa blinked. Then smiled, though it was a more sinister smile than a nice one. "It's–a–secret!" she sang, reaching out for the box.

Light held it out of her reach, refusing to give in. "If you don't tell me, I'll cut your head off."

Misa frowned, looking as though she were about to cry. She knew what the script said. "No. Misa-Misa cannot tell Light-kun."

So, true to his word, Light cut off her head. He wasn't a totally heartless villain and was sad upon her death, but he wasn't going to sit there and mourn someone he didn't even know.

So he walked out of the forest and towards town. It was strange, but as he left he could have sworn he heard someone yell, "Lol, you got SERVED!" at Misa's corpse. He shrugged it off, assuming the wind was playing tricks on him.

When he got to town, he used all his gold to buy all the best things. He lived in a grand house with grand clothes that accented his grand sexiness and he had a lot of grand friends (and one grand stalker named Mikami Teru.) And life went pretty darn good.

But nothing lasts forever, and with time, Light was nearly out of money. Soon he had to move out and since he was no longer filthy stinkin' rich, most of the friends he had in town didn't recognize him anymore without his fancy clothes and whatnot.

So he found himself living in the musty attic of some hotel place. His last candle had burned out and it was nearly night. Then he remembered: He still had the tinderbox! There was a small piece of candle in there!

So he pulled the tinderbox out from where he had kept it all this time (forgotten, but not lost) and hit the metal against the flint. As a few sparks spurted up, the first boy from the three, Near, ran up and asked Light, "What are your orders, master?"

Light blinked, rather confused. This was a rather nice surprise.

"Bring me some money, please," he instructed. At this, Near dashed off and came back in moments with a purse full of copper coins.

Light smiled. After a little bit of experimenting, he found that if he struck the tinderbox once, Near would show up. Twice, and Matt would show up. And three times would bring Mello. And they would all listen to him. Soon, he was even richer than before and went back to his old lifestyle.

As he was strolling through the park one day, though it wasn't the merry, merry month of May, he had stopped to have a chat with one of his friends. Eventually their topic moved to be about the giant castle of this kingdom.

"I've never seen the princess. Do they have one?" Light asked at random.

"Yes, he's very beautiful," the villager nodded. Light was mildly confused as to why this princess was a guy, but he motioned for his friend to continue. "The king hides him up in the tower next to the castle because some prophecy says she'll marry a common soldier and he doesn't want that to happen. Only the king is allowed to see her."

Light nodded and continued conversing. In his head, he thought, _Boy, I would certainly like to meet this princess, even if the princess is a guy..._

So that night he went back to his fancy-pancy house and sat on his bed.

"Everyone says the princess is beautiful, but it doesn't matter if he's always stuck in the tower..." he mused aloud. "Is there any way I can see her?"

Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted his tinderbox. With a sudden idea, he struck the tinderbox once. Immediately, Near was at his side and asking what his orders were.

"Go get me the princess from the castle!" he commanded. Near nodded and scurried off. He soon reached the castle and broke into the tower. There were lots and lots of stairs there, built in the memory of another prince and his princess in a fairy tale. Near trudged up all of them and finally reached the princess' room.

Princess L was awake and completely dumbfounded at the sight of the giant-eyed Near. Near stared right back, pulled the script out of his pocket, and read over the part.

"Aren't you supposed to be asleep?" Near asked, still reading over to make sure he wasn't incorrect.

"I'm not tired," L explained with a shrug.

"I'll fix this..." sighed the Mello Plot Fairy, back again. He picked up a club from the corner of the room and, in the perfect example of violence solving all problems, knocked L unconscious with one swift 'thwack'.

"Was that really necessary?" Near asked as he walked over and picked up the now-sleeping-and-bleeding-at-the-same-time L using his newfound superstrength. Mello shrugged.

"Probably not. But it sure as hell was a lot quicker." When Near didn't argue and simply walked away, Mello flew off as well.

In ten minutes, Near had returned to Light carrying Princess L with him. Light smiled, and admired L's amazing and awesome and totally freaking hot beauty. In fact, Princess L was so beautiful, that Light couldn't resist planting a loving kiss on the princess' lips. Then he decided that he should return L to the tower before he was caught, and sent Near back. Near almost argued that that had been such a short visit for all the work it had taken, but decided against it and simply brought L back.

The next morning, Princess L told the king about the amazing dream he'd had about a boy who had carried him to this soldier who'd kissed him. Then he'd complained about this massive headache he'd gotten and how he'd woken up with a head wound.

"The plot fairy hit me with a club when me and the boy were arguing about how I wasn't sleeping," he answered as though this were a perfectly believable idea.

The king stared for a little bit, then replied, "That's nice, L." Then he simply walked out. He fetched one of the castle's knights and ordered him to watch L to see if he went anywhere. Just in case.

So the knight hid in L's closet during the night. L had fallen asleep, thanks to some sleeping pills snuck into his tea that evening in order to avoid another incident like the last one.

The knight stared on in shock as a little albino boy dashed in, sighed in relief, then ran off with the princess. Determined, Knight-Guy chased after them, staying far enough behind to not be spotted.

Soon enough, the boy carried the princess up and through the window of a pretty fancy looking house. To remember which house it was, the knight drew a smiley-face on the door using a spare crayon he kept in his pocket. Content, he walked back to inform the king.

As Near was leaving, however, he spotted the smiley face on the door and immediately understood what had happened. So he took out a crayon of his own and drew smiley-faces all over all the doors in the neighborhood. Then he returned princess L to his room and left.

The next day, the knight led the king over to where he'd followed the boy to.

"It's the one with the smiley-face, your highness!" he explained, pointing to a house with a smiley-face on the door.

"What about that one?" the king asked, pointing towards another house with a smiley-face on it.

Needless to say, they were very confused. They finally gave up, and decided to try Plan B. Plan B usually tended to work, so they weren't worried.

For Plan B, they did the same as the last night. They drugged L's tea to get him to fall asleep and then left him there. But the knight didn't follow L. They tied a small pouch of tiny pebbles around L's waist and poked a hole in it.

So when Near came by and carried Princess L back to Light's house, the pebbles fell out and left a trail for them to follow in the morning.

Unfortunately, Near didn't spot the tiny pebbles and simply brought princess L back to the tower for the night. So the next morning, the king and knight followed the trail of pebbles back to Light's house and captured him. The king decided that Light would be hung. A little harsh, but he didn't care.

As the castle knights were taking Light to the gallows place to be hung, Light spotted a little boy walking by. He got an idea, and asked to stop to talk to him.

"Little boy, I'll give you four silver coins if you go back to my house over there and bring me my tinderbox," he said. The boy's eyes glittered at the thought of four silver coins and quickly ran back to get the box. He ran as fast as he could and soon returned with the box. Light thanked him, took the box, and handed the boy the promised coins.

_Exactly as planned..._

Soon, it was set up so that everyone in the village would watch Light be hung or hanged or whatever it's called. Before they opened up the floor to kill him, Light announced that he had a last request to be granted. He wanted to smoke a pipe, just because he was going to die. It was so simple that no one had any objections.

So Light pulled out his tinderbox and struck once, twice, and then three times. All three of the boys soon rushed up.

"Help me out! If I'm hanged, I'll never get to marry the princess!" Light yelled.

"I know how to solve this problem!" Mello said.

"With violence?" Matt inquired.

"Hell yes!"

And so, Matt and Mello used their super strength to throw all the judges and executioners up into the air. Then they all fell back down and broke into little tiny pieces. Near said that he wasn't all too fond of violence like Matt and Mello were, so he just sat back and watched.

Once Matt and Mello had killed the king and queen, all the people in the crowd were silent. Then, one man finally spoke up for all of them.

"Oh great soldier Light!" he announced. "Since our king and queen are dead, we will appoint you as the new king and allow you to marry the beautiful Princess L."

"Beautiful doesn't cover it!" someone else complained. "He's also really handsome."

"And good-looking!" said another villager.

"And pretty!" shouted a third person.

"And totally hot and delicious!" Mello added.

"FINE!" yelled the first man. "We will appoint you as the new king and allow you to marry the beautiful, handsome, good-looking, pretty, and totally hot and delicious Princess L. Happy?" There were murmurs of approval from the crowd and Light grinned. Perfect.

So L married Princess L and Princess L was happy about becoming queen and being allowed to leave that stupid tower. They had an awesome wedding and everyone celebrated. The three boys got to live in the castle as well.

And everyone lived happily ever after.

Epilogue:

One day, Light remembered that he'd ditched Misa's corpse in the forest and decided that since her tinderbox had brought him so much joy (and a hot wife/husband), she at least deserved a proper burial.

So he walked out to the forest to find her corpse. It wasn't that easy to find because it hadn't decayed that much yet. Turns out, someone had frozen the body in a giant block of ice.

He couldn't imagine why.

* * *

A/N: I can imagine why. XD So I hope this one didn't suck that much. I like it. It's one of the longest fairy tales so far. Good story, good story.


	13. Superstitions

Rating: T for possible swears (can't remember...)

Summary: In order to prevent having a bad fairy tale due to this being the thirteenth chapter, there isn't going to be a fairy tale. Instead, Matt, Mello, and L are going to tell you about bad-luck-causing superstitions with help from their victim, Light. Please enjoy this educational break.

Spoilers: Uhh...None besides the appearance of Matt and Mello.

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note (Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata do) and I got the superstitions from this website (without spaces):

ht tp/ww w.oldsu per stiti ons.c om/b adluc k.ht ml

...The superstitions aren't mine either.

Warning: Childish and stupid humor and plenty of OOCness and not-sense-making-ness

A/N: Really, I like the number thirteen. I just wanted to torture Light with some bad luck since he's always getting to marry the hot detective in all these fairy tales. L's too awesome for bad luck, so Light will get all of it.

And I would have posted this later, but it has to be a Friday in April for this to make sense (For anyone who reads this later, it is currently Friday, April 25th, 2008). You'll find out soon enough.

Please enjoy, and don't open umbrellas indoors!

* * *

"Greetings to our dear readers!" Mello said to the reader-camera. "Rather than a fairy tale, we're going to play it safe. As you may know, this is the thirteenth chapter. So it's unlucky. Instead, we're going to teach you about superstitions."

"Specifically, bad luck superstitions," Matt took over. "Our victim of bad luck today will be Light Yagami!"

Light blinked, confused. "Wha? You said the victim would be L!"

"I lied," Mello snapped. "Get over it. L's going to set everything up for us today."

Light blinked, glancing around. Quickly, L dashed forward and easily pushed Light over. Light stumbled underneath a ladder, then tripped over a black cat. As he fell, L shoved a gift-box into Light's arms. Light crashed to the ground, crushing and killing a sparrow. His fall also broke the box, revealing it's contents. A mirror fell out and shattered, two knifes also flew out and skittered across the ground, crossing each other as they slowed to a stop. The vibrations of his fall knocked over a nearby salt shaker and a pepper shaker.

"It's bad luck to walk underneath a ladder," Matt explained. "The same goes for crossing paths with a black cat."

"Receiving a mirror as a gift is really bad luck. Breaking a mirror means seven years of bad luck. Also, crossing two knives by accident is bad luck. Killing a sparrow means you're cursed," Mello continued. "Oh, and spilling salt is bad luck. Same with pepper. Spilling them both doubles the unluckiness."

Light got up and stared in horror. He quickly gathered the pieces of the mirror to later bury them in moonlight. That would reverse the bad luck. He threw some salt over his left shoulder for the same reason. Then he retrieved the knives and handed them back to L, who accepted them.

"Here! I don't want these dumb knives!" he said nervously, worried now about the sparrow, ladder, and pepper.

"My hands are cold, Light-kun," L complained for no apparent reason. Light glared before tossing him a spare pair of gloves. He resumed fretting about his bad luck once more. Well, until he heard Mello start talking again.

"It also means misfortune to give someone a knife, sharp object, or gloves as a gift without getting anything back in exchange." Light stared on in horror. He was being set up.

L left the house, then soon returned with a bunch of animals. He released a bat into the house through the window, then walked inside and released an owl and three butterflies. The owl hooted three times as the butterflies flew around Light together.

"If a bat flies into your house, that's bad luck. Seeing three butterflies together or an owl in daylight mean bad luck too. If you hear an owl hoot three times, bad luck," Matt said as he lit up a cigarette. He then tossed it on the floor, starting a small fire. Light panicked at this, and started stomping it out until every ember was gone.

"I'm going to bed," he groaned. L started up the stairs first, and Light soon passed him up. On the way, L tossed a hat on Light's head. The teen threw it on the bed and flopped down to sleep. He apparently wasn't thinking much.

"Apparently, it's bad luck to completely get rid of a fire before retiring to bed. You have to leave a few embers in it," Matt commented, staring at the cigarette. "What a waste of a smoke."

"It's also bad luck to pass someone on the stairs, or throw a hat on the bed," Mello said. "Stop whining. They're bad for you anyways."

At the mention of more bad luck, Light immediately sprung out of bed, left foot first. Mello and Matt started.

"Tsk, tsk. You should know better, Light," Mello scolded. "It's bad luck to get out of bed on your left foot."

"STOP IT!" Light screamed, banging his fist on his desk. He knocked over some ink, a candle, and some more salt.

"Spilling ink means worry, annoyance, and failure on a project. You get bad luck if a candle falls over too," Mello announced as Light worriedly tried to put out the fire.

"Does that have anything to do with that cow causing the Chicago Fire by tipping over an old oil lamp candle-like thing?" Matt asked.

"How the hell should I know?"

Light ran off, planning to escape, when L suddenly shoved a glass of wine into his hand. As he ran, Mello extended one of his arms that was holding out another glass of wine.

"A toast!" he chuckled, just as Light accidently crashed his own glass into Mello's, shattering them to pieces.

"Whoops. Breaking the glass during a toast means bad luck, Light," Mello snickered.

"I'M LEAVING!" Light yelled, grabbing a pair of new shoes from the closet. He tossed them on his kitchen table while he grabbed his coat. Once his coat was on, he sat down and took out his shoes. At first, he messed up and put his right shoe on his left foot. Then he corrected that and put his left shoe on the left foot, following with the right foot.

"It's bad luck to put new shoes on a table or put your left shoe on before the right. It's even worse to put the right shoe on the left foot," Matt said as he, Mello, and L all followed Light down the stairs.

Light growled, upset, as he hurriedly buttoned up his coat. In his rush, he accidently buttoned a button in the wrong button-hole.

"Misfortune upon he who fastens a button in the wrong button-hole," Mello laughed. Light screamed and ran out the door, the trio following behind him. On the way down the sidewalk, he accidently stepped on a crack. Even he knew this one, and he frowned when his cell phone started ringing. He reluctantly answered it, asking what it was.

"Yeah, Dad?" he said, relizing that it was his father on his phone. "Mom's at the hospital...She broke her back...That's terrible...Wish her well for me. Bye."

He sprinted down the sidewalk, Mello laughing at him as the terrible trio followed him. Light's destination was a newly opened cruise line. Thankfully there were tickets left so be bought one. He glanced back to Mello.

"..." Mello didn't say anything for a bit, then glanced into his pocket book of superstitions. "Nope. You're good."

Light sighed in relief and signed the contract handed to him that it was his fault if he drowned after jumping overboard.

As he stepped on the ship (left foot first) and boarded, he heard Matt say,

"Starting a cruise on Friday is bad luck, and so is boarding a ship while stepping on your left foot first. Oh, and we can't forget that signing a contract or lease in the months of April, July, or November."

He growled, ran all the way up, then grabbed a rock that had somehow gotten on board and chucked it down at the trio. He didn't throw hard enough, and it fell into the ocean.

"For shame, Light," Mello lectured. "Don't you know that throwing stones into the ocean is bad luck?"

"I HATE YOU!"

In another furious act of rage, Light grabbed the nearest by seemingly-dangerous object and used all his strength to throw it right at Mello. This object happened to be a glass bottle of alcohol, and it smashed a couple feet behind Mello, Matt, and L.

"Breaking a glass bottle. Bad luck," Mello smirked.

"And a total waste of good booze," Matt added.

"That too."

Light had been about to throw something else when the boat finally sailed off, thankfully bringing Light away from the mischief-makers

He had just turned around to go look for his room when he saw Matsuda running happily towards him.

"What is it, Matsuda?" he asked, hoping this wasn't the start of his bad luck.

"Ryuuzaki asked me to give you this note!" he chirped, handing Light a small slip of paper. Nervously, Light unfolded it and read the message within.

'_It is bad luck to encounter a gravedigger coming towards you means there will be a bad sickness, Light-kun.'_ it read. Light gulped. What could this mean?

"And guess what?" Matsuda resumed, still cheerful. "In exchange for giving that to you, Ryuuzaki got me these cruise tickets to take me to the location of my new part-time job! I'm going to be a gravedigger!"

...Well, that explained it.

"We hope you have learned something from this valuable experience," L said, turning to the reader camera.

"Or at least enjoyed Light's pain, suffering, and misery," Mello smirked. "It's too bad he'll be in another country by the time his bad luck kicks in. We'll watch the papers for you, don't worry."

"And remember: Unless you were born in October, it's bad luck to wear opals," Matt concluded.

"What the hell does that have to do with anything?" Mello asked.

"I managed to snap an opal pin onto the back of Light's shirt as he ran out."

"Oh, that is good."

* * *

A/N: This was extremely fun to write. So remember kids, looking at the new moon over your left shoulder is bad luck, but if you turn over every piece of silver in your pockets or handbag then you shall prosper for a month!

...I'm actually not a superstitious person. XD


	14. The Emperor's New Suit

Rating: T for the h-word and invisible cloth.

Summary: The Emperor's New Suit, Death Note style. Light wants a new outfit, and Matt and Mello claim they can make him some truly amazing duds. Problem is, they're invisible. And no one wants to admit it.

Spoilers: Uhh...Matt, Mello, and Teru show up. But that's like it. Again.

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note (Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata do) and most of these fairy tales belong to Hans Christian Anderson or the Brothers Grimm. Aka, not me. (This one specifically I'm pretty sure is by Hans Christian Anderson)

Warning: Childish and stupid humor, LxLight, one-sided MisaxLight and MikamixLight, and plenty of OOCness

A/N: Okay, anyone know that movie the Emperor's New Groove? I do. It's the reason the title of this fairy tale struck familiarity with me. I was like 'Oh, this must be the fairy tale that movie was based off of!' Really, it's a very interesting concept. And so, I gave it a shot.

And I'm glad that my Superstition chapter didn't suck. I was a little worried since it wasn't a fairy tale, but I was thinking about it around chapter ten and I thought it would be a nice idea. I couldn't get it out of my head, and it would work best on a chapter thirteen, so I went for it. And it worked! Yay! So thank you!

* * *

Once upon a time... (It's just too classic.)

There was a great emperor named Light who ruled over his land very very well. Except for his freakish obsession with new outfits. He'd go out clothes shopping every single day and buy himself a new outfit. Every hour or so he'd change outfits and strut about town to show off his new outfit and brag about how well it accented his sexiness.

One day, two swindlers named Mello and Matt entered the town and proclaimed that they were selling a fantastic cloth with mysterious powers. Light, interested, went over to inquire.

"What kind of mystical powers does it have?" he asked.

"Well...You can climb walls, shoot web out of your hand, fight crime..." Matt rattled. Mello then proceeded to smack him on the back of the head.

"You're thinking of radioactive spiders. Our cloth is invisible to anyone who isn't fit for their job or is just plain stupid," Mello explained.

Light paused, pondering this. "So stupid people would think I'm naked?"

"Yup."

"Make me an outfit out of this stuff."

And so, Matt and Mello set to work. They asked for all the best gold silk and nicest cloth. However, They didn't make an outfit with it. Of course not. They were swindlers. Instead, they just pretended to work, using a weaving loom to weave imaginary thread. Really, they weren't doing anything but acting.

After two days, Light grew impatient. So he sent his honest advisor, Mikami Teru, to check up on the weaving pair. Mikami agreed and set off. At the workstation Matt and Mello had set up, he looked at the loom and saw nothing. He panicked, thinking that maybe he was too stupid or unfit to see this oh-so-amazing (and non-existant) cloth. Surely Light would fire him if the emperor found out. So he instead walked over calmly, putting on just as good of an act as Matt and Mello were with their weaving.

"How's the outfit coming?" he asked after about a minute of watching them weave at the invisible cloth.

"It's coming along beautifully! I think this is our best work yet!" Matt cheered with a grin.

"Yeah! Look at all the colors and patterns! You'd have to literally be stupid to think it wasn't the most beautiful thing ever!" Mello proudly said. Then he went on to describe certain parts of the imaginary outfit in great detail as Mikami listened intently.

"I see. It's very nice. I'm sure Emperor Light will love it!" Mikami nodded his agreement before walking back. He told Light everything Mello had talked about, and then happily walked away, glad he had faked it well enough.

But this information only made Light more curious. The next day, he sent out his wardrobe adviser, Misa, to go check on the cloth. She joyfully agreed, happy to do anything for her beloved Light.

But just like with Mikami, Misa couldn't see anything on the loom. This was most likely because there was nothing there.

'_Oh, no! Is Misa-Misa is not fit to be Light-kun's advisor, she won't get to see him as much!'_ Misa worried. She decided that she would simply pretend she could see it.

"How is the outfit coming?" she asked.

"Fantastic! I'd wear it myself if it weren't being made for the emperor! It is truly worth of someone of his status and sexiness!" Mello announced. Matt nodded in agreement as he continued working. They described the outfit to Misa, and then she went back and described their description to Light.

By now, Light was really really really REALLY curious. So he went to see for himself. Matt and Mello were excited, and eagerly showed off their work. Light blinked when he realized that he couldn't see the cloth at all. This was terrible! He knew he wasn't stupid, so did this mean he wasn't fit to be emperor?

"How is it, Emperor Light?" Matt asked innocently. Light, wanting to save his reputation, boasted only praise for their work.

"It's marvelous! Amazing! Magnificent!"

"And sexy?" Mello asked.

"Not as sexy as I am, but it'll do me justice."

So Matt and Mello continued working, and by the next day they had finished the entire outfit. They joyfully brought it to Emperor Light and showed it off. The entire outfit consisted of a shirt (which was invisible), a coat with a long trailing part behind it (also invisible), some nice pants (completely invisible), and a nice pair of shoes (again, invisible.)

"Isn't it beautiful?" Mello asked. Everyone in the room nodded and agreed for fear of being called stupid for not being able to see it. Matt and Mello grinned at the praise and handed the outfit over to Emperor Light.

"Go ahead! Try it on! It's so light that it feels like you aren't actually wearing anything!" Matt exclaimed. Light nodded and went to his dressing room while Matt and Mello followed, claiming that since the outfit was very delicate and they would help. So the two swindlers assisted Light and pretended to help him slip into his new and nonexistent outfit. Soon enough, Light was marching around the town., wearing a beautiful suit that no one could see. Basically, he was walking around nude. A lot of girls swooned and fainted on sight that day.

Everyone in town continued saying it was fabulous, hiding the fact that they couldn't see the outfit at all. Until finally, a little kid pointed and asked,

"Mommy, why isn't he wearing anything?"

Then, everyone realized that you know what, a kid couldn't be unfit for their job and kids were supposed to be a little less smarter than adults (sometimes), so the kid couldn't be lying. So they all went 'Oooohhhhhh...' in unison.

Emperor Light, having over heard this, realized what had happened and turned to glare at Matt and Mello. Both of them were laughing their heads off at him, Matt yelling, "Lol! You got served!" while Mello laughed, "Ice with that burn?"

Light stormed over to them, glaring and growling in fury.

"I demand a refund!" he fumed.

"Slow down!" Matt snickered. "You didn't even see the actual power of this outfit!"

"Actual...power?" Light clarified, confused.

"Yeah!" Mello continued, laughing still as he pointed over to one of the people in the crowd.

Light turned around to see what Mello was pointing at, and saw a very, extremely, and totally hot detective staring at him. Both fo the hot/sexy individuals got nosebleeds.

Emperor Light walked over this hot detective and they both introduced themselves.

"Do you think I'm sexy?" Light asked the detective, L.

"Who wouldn't?" L replied.

Light smirked. "Marry me."

"Hell yes."

And so the hot detective and sexy emperor got married. They argued every once in a while about how L wore the same thing all the time and Light always felt the need to change his outfit, but the fights never lasted long because by the third insult they had pretty much jumped each other and started making out. They learned to accept their differences in taste and live happily. Misa and Mikami were extremely upset that neither of them couldn't marry Light, but decided that suicide wasn't a good option so they just kept their jobs. Matt and Mello mysteriously vanished from the town, but being that they had never had to give Light a refund, they became rich elsewhere and lived in elegance.

And they all lived (pretty much) happily ever after.

Elsewhere, Matt and Mello morphed back into their original forms as plot fairies and high fived each other.

Mission success.

* * *

A/N: No, the actual fairy tale doesn't end that way. But if Light is walking around in an 'invisible' outfit, I have to have L show up. And in case you can't tell, Matt and Mello were directing the plot for all of you. I am currently working on writing them their own fanfiction, but it turned out too romance-ish so I'm restarting it. XP I'll get to it eventually...


	15. The Snow Queen

Rating: T for Melting-licious death.

Summary: The Snow Queen, Death Note style. A looking glass that turns everything good into bad can cause a lot more trouble than one might expect, and Light and L learn this first hand.

Spoilers: ...None, really. Mello and Matt show up, but that's it.

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note (Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata do) and most of these fairy tales belong to Hans Christian Anderson or the Brothers Grimm. Aka, not me. This one is by Hans Christian Anderson.

Warning: Childish and stupid humor, LxLight, one-sided MisaxLight, and plenty of OOCness

A/N: I literally wrote this all today and yesterday. I've been working on other fics and stuff so I didn't get the chance to. So I'm hoping that in my rush, it doesn't suck that much.

* * *

Once upon a (insert synonym for 'time' here)...

There was a freaking awesome demon named Mello and his partner Matt. They had been laying around bored one day when Mello got this fantastic idea. They could make a looking glass that made everything that was good look horribly horrible in a horrible sort of way! It would be perfect(ly horrible)!

So the pair immediately set off to work on this looking glass (and they actually made something, unlike when they made an outfit for an emperor before,) and soon had it finished. They had great fun looking at people and criticizing them and their hideous hideousness.

But when they went to bed that night, they foolishly left the looking glass on Mello's desk, and another demon, Matsuda, came in and decided to take a look for himself. He was amazed by what he saw, and went to look around the world with it.

Matt and Mello woke up just as Matsuda had started flying up towards heaven to see the angels through it. But all the water in the clouds made the glass slippery, and all three demons watched in shock as the looking glass slipped from Matsuda's grasp and tumbled to the ground, shattering into pieces.

"Stupid Matsuda..." Matt and Mello muttered angrily while glaring at the clumsy demon. Matsuda cowered, and fled the wrath of the pair.

All of the pieces of the glass scattered, but contained the same power as the entire thing. Some of the shards were big, and were turned into glasses. That was horrible because the person would always be seeing out them. It was even worse when they were used for monocles. But the worst of them all was when the tiniest fragments managed to find some odd way to slip into someone's heart or eyes. In the eyes, that person would see only as if they were looking through the glass, and in their heart, that person's heart would turn into a cold lump of ice. It remains unknown why that doesn't kill people, but that's not what matters.

What matters is the two little kids who always played together.

Light and L were the best of friends. They would be brothers if they didn't make such a freaking hawt couple. Every day they played together. It was especially fun in the winter, when they could go out and play in the snow.

One cold winter day, Light and L were out playing and making a snow man when Light spotted a pretty woman over by the trees that looked like she was made of ice. The woman smiled, and then her eyes glowed blue as she yelled, "MISA-MISA EYE-BEAM OF GLASSINESS!!"

A bright blue beam flew out of her eyes and right into Light. Then three small looking glass shards were sent flying at him, one in each eye and one in his heart.

Immediately, Light's heart froze into ice and he only saw ugliness. How terrible! How horrible! Let's watch!

"That snowman is ugly! LIKE YOUR MOM!" he yelled, kicking the snowman's head off as he glared at L.

"My mother is dead, Light-kun. I thought you knew that," L replied, mildly confused.

"Yeah, dead like YOUR MOM!"

"...Light-kun should stop speaking now."

As the next few days went by, Light continued to be mean and insulting to everyone. He lost all his friends but L. L was determined to find out what was wrong with his friend.

One day, when Light walked out of his house to find and insult L, he saw that ice lady again. Since she wasn't good at all, he saw her as she normally was.

"Misa-Misa is so happy to see Light-kun!" Misa the Snow Queen squealed. "Light-kun should tie his sled to the back of my carriage and we can go to Misa-Misa's castle!"

"Tie my sled to your carrige and let you drag me around? That sounds dangerous..." Light replied, glaring coldly at Misa.

"That's not what matters. What matters is that I have Mello's phone number and you don't want to deal with an angry plot fairy."

At that, Light grabbed his sled and tied it to Misa's carriage and they both rode off to Misa's castle in the skyyyyyyyyyy...

L, meanwhile, spent the day wondering where Light had gone off to. The next day, he decided to go out at look for his lost friend.

He went to the river first, then stopped and checked his script. Apparently, he was supposed to throw his shoes into the river and ask it to tell him where Light was. He did a double take on that.

"But...I don't wear shoes and rivers don't talk..." he mumbled. But then he shrugged. Fairy tales didn't always make sense. He might as well improvise.

So he took his shirt off (to the cheers of thousands of fangirls) and tossed it into the river while asking, "River, do you know where Light-kun is?"

As expected, the river said nothing. But it did bring a boat over to L. L took this as a sign that he should hop in and sail and maybe, just maybe, he would find Light.

So the boat took off down the river and waited. And waited, and waited, and waited, and waited. Finally, after about a half-hour of sailing, a crow flew down and landed on the boat.

"I CAN TELL YOU WHERE LIGHT IS!!111!!" it screamed. L flinched, but listened nonetheless. "LIGHT IS WITH THE EVIL SNOW QUEEN MISA! UP IN THE SKYYYYYY!!"

L blinked. This was one annoying crow. "How can I get to this castle in the sky?"

"I DON'T KNOW!!" it screeched. "But you can ask the reindeer over there and he might help you!"

L immediately hopped out of the boat and ran over to the reindeer, hoping that he wouldn't be as annoying as the crow. The reindeer had a glowing nose, and that was very odd.

"...Rudolph?" L guessed, remembering the Christmas song.

"No, I'm Rupert the Orange-Nosed Reindeer. You're thinking of my cousin," answered the reindeer. L nodded, and asked him to take him to the Snow Queen's castle. Rupert agreed and they both magically flew up into the sky and to Misa's castle.

When L walked inside, he could see Light sitting by Misa's thrown, trying to drown out her awful voice, but to no avail. Misa stopped talking and glared at L.

"Why are you ruining Misa-Misa's perfect moment!?" she whined, standing up and storming over to L. Said detective decided to solve this dilemma.

Using a conveniently placed bucket of fire. (No one knows how they got fire in a bucket, but when your heart can freeze into ice and you still live, anything can happen!)

The fire caused Misa to melt into a puddle of water, all the while shrieking, "I'M MELLLLLLTIIIIIIINNNNGGGGG!!" L ran over to Light and pulled him into a hug.

"Light-kun I missed you!" he yelled, all according to the script. Then he used his amazing ability to cry on cue and began sobbing into Light's chest. L's tears are apparently magical, since they managed to seep through Light's skin and warm up the ice cube that was his heart. Light got his emotions back, and he was so glad to see his friend again that he hugged L and started to cry as well. His tears washed out the glass shards and he could see again.

And that was about the time he noticed that his (extremely hot) friend was shirtless in front of him.

And so, L and Light fell in love, got married, and took over Misa's castle to rule her kingdom. Mello was saved the trouble of saying 'ice with that burn' since Misa the Snow Queen was made of ice anyway.

And they all lived happily ever after. The end.

* * *

A/N: ...No, the story didn't really end that way. To write this one, I used two versions. A long version, and a short version. The long one was too long, but the short one was missing the intro. So I combined the two and added my own little parts.

Long version: htt p/hc a.gile ad. org.il/s nowqu e.ht ml (This is the site I use to get most of my Hans Christian Anderson tales. It's awesome.

Short version: It's from this website called Millsberry dot com (except with the www and the dotness instead of just words) I don't go there, but I had bought all the little fairy-tale books their stores had because they were pretty cute and I remembered the Snow Queen one.


	16. Beauty and the Beast

Rating: T for the D-word

Summary: Beauty and the Beast, Death Note style. I am unable to come up with a summary. It has to do with a really hot detective and an ultra sexy beast/prince though.

Spoilers: Hmm...Well, Takada shows up and Mello the Plot Fairy is mentioned, but that's it. Nothing much.

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note (Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata do) and most of these fairy tales belong to Hans Christian Anderson or the Brothers Grimm. Aka, not me.

Warning: Childish and stupid humor, LxLight, and plenty of OOCness

A/N: Okay, I can't remember much about the Disney version of Beauty and the Beast, so I just did a Google search for it and used a few versions that I got along with my screwy imagination. Hopefully it turned out okay. I dunno. I lost my sense of humor for a bit so it might not be that great.

* * *

Once (insert synonym for 'upon' here) a time...

There was a traveling merchant guy who had two beautiful adopted daughters and one extremely hot adopted son. The readers are allowed three guesses on who the son is, and the first two don't count.

One day, the Traveling Merchant Matsuda had to go on a trip, so he asked his kids what they wanted him to bring back for them.

"GASP! Misa-Misa wants a pretty dress and some nice shoes and a frilly hat and some fancy gloves and a PUPPY!" his daughter, Misa, squealed.

"I would like some earrings, a necklace, a bracelet, a ring, and all sorts of fancy, expensive jewelry that costs far more than it should," his other daughter, Takada, requested.

"Since Matsuda-san is going to go bankrupt from Amane-san's and Takada-san's requests, I do not want anything," the son, L, droned.

"But L! It's not fair if you don't get anything! At least something small!" Matsuda complained in a very whiney-like fashion. L sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Very well. Matsuda-san may bring me a strawberry."

And so, Matsuda went out on his trip. He bought everything his daughters had asked for, but waited a bit to get L's strawberry. It would spoil if he got it too soon.

Just before he left to head home, he looked around for strawberries. None of the merchants had them, and he searched high and low, but to no avail. Eventually, he saw a beautiful garden filled with all sorts of fruits, including strawberries!

Smiling cheerfully at his luck, Matsuda carefully picked just one strawberry from the plant, but the moment he did, a huge (and yet very sexy) monstrous beast stomped over to him.

"Why are you stealing my strawberry?" the beast roared.

"W-well my son asked me to bring one home to him, but I couldn't find any...so..." Matsuda stuttered and trembled in fear. "Please don't kill me..."

"No, I won't kill you..." Beast Light said. "But you do have to get a punishment. The last time someone stole from me was when this woman stole some of my rapunzel. I kicked her into another dimension. Last I heard, she traded her child for more of the stuff. I don't know why she'd trade a kid for a plant, but..." He paused, seeming to think things over a bit. "This son of yours...Is he hot?"

Matsuda blinked, obviously thrown off by the question. "W...Well, yes...But–"

"Okay then. He'll come live with me then in exchange for your stealing."

Matsuda was given no say in this matter, so he returned home in a much worse mood than when he'd left. _How am I going to tell L about this? About how I have to trade him for a strawberry? Wow, that sounds really pathetic..._

Once he walked in, Misa and Takada immediately tackled him to the ground and thanked him for their amazing gifts. Then they scampered off to try everything on.

This left L and Matsuda on their own, with some bad news to be heard.

"Umm...Here's the strawberry...But...The thing is...To get it, I kinda had to trade you for it...So now you have to live with the beast guy..." Matsuda attempted to explain, failing miserably.

"Is he hot?" L asked. Matsuda blinked, remembered the question.

"Well...Not exactly...More like sexy than hot and in a beast sort of way..."

"Alright then. I'm leaving. Bye, Matsuda-san," L said, popping the strawberry into his mouth and walking out the door, leaving a very confused Matsuda on the floor wondering what on Earth had just happened.

L made the journey over to Light's mansion and knocked on the door. No one answered, but it swung open nonetheless. He assumed this was his welcome, so he walked inside and explored around.

It was a pretty darn huge mansion. Like, _really_ huge. As-huge-as-those-giant-thorns-from-Sleeping-Beauty-but-bigger huge. Yeah, _that_ huge.

L explored for an hour, and yet could not find this beast anywhere. So he finally stopped to rest when he came to a dining room. He sat down at the table and sighed.

"I wish I had some cake..." he mumbled to himself. Almost instantly, a pair of imaginary hands dashed in and dropped a beautiful plate of strawberry cheesecake right in front of him, complete with a very decorative fork. L smiled, thanked the invisible presence, and ate the cake cheerfully.

Once he finished, he decided to experiment. When he asked for a glass of water, he got it. When he asked to watch a movie, he got a TV and a rack of DVDs. When he asked that the walls be painted a different color, they immediately changed colors and the room smelled like paint.

Some sort of house magic was bringing him whatever he asked for. And that wasn't a bad thing.

As a final experiment, L said, "I wish that the beast I came here to supposedly live with was here in this room right now."

He waited, then heard a faint yelling from another room. In mere moments, the invisible hands had practically dragged the beast Light into the room kicking and screaming that he hadn't finished styling his hair yet.

However, he shut up when he noticed L in the room. The two of them stared at each other for about five minutes, looking the other up and down. Light was the one to say something first.

"Wow, you really _are_ hot!" he exclaimed, grinning. L remained expressionless, but inside his head he was happy for the compliment.

For the next month, L lived in the mansion with Light. Whenever L asked for something, the magical presence brought it to him. He and Light talked a lot and grew closer. They became best friends, maybe more! (Most definitely more. Most definitely...)

One day, L decided that Matsuda probably missed him by now. Misa and Takada were probably celebrating his disappearance, but Matsuda would be upset. So he asked Light if he could go visit. Light hesitated, but said okay and bid L farewell. I would have been a teary scene, if L had been leaving for more than just a day.

L spent the day catching up with Matsuda and avoiding Misa and Takada. No reason to spoil their fun. Apparently, Matsuda had become successful and everything had been going well. He still missed L, but he was glad that his son was happy.

Around midnight, L wished himself back to Light's house and was magically teleported back. But when he did, he couldn't find Light anywhere! He didn't bother with wishing for it. That wouldn't be very plot-like and would incur the wrath of Mello the Plot Fairy.

So he continued his search. He looked everywhere in the entire mansion, and still no Light! Then he finally went outside to check in the gardens. And that was where he found the beast, curled up in the strawberry plants on the ground.

L poked the body, hoping that Light wasn't dead. There was no resistance whatsoever. So L did exactly what he was supposed to do. That was burst into tears and sob in a very dramatic and hot fashion.

"Don't be dead, Light-kun! This house is so awesome that I don't want to leave and you are so nice and...and..." He paused mid-speech to make sure he was remembering this line correctly. He was. "AND I LOVE YOU!"

At those three words, the beast's body cracked into half and confetti sprayed out of it. Then a handsome (and sexy, of course) prince burst out with a huge grin.

"SURPRISE!" Light yelled. L froze, shocked by the 'surprise'. After all, if your boyfriend suddenly burst into two and a really sexy guy popped out, you'd be pretty shocked too.

"...Huh?" L asked, dead confused.

"Well you see, I was cursed to be a freaky beast guy until I could love someone and have them love me back and I loved you so when you left I got really upset and came out here and then you came back and said you loved me and now I'm FREE!" Light explained. L just stared. Since he didn't say anything, Light continued,

"Marry me?"

L hesitated, still confused as to why the beast had been living with had Just exploded into a prince. But this prince was pretty damn sexy. "Sure."

And so, the two got married (as usual) and lived in Light's perfect wish-granting house. Misa and Takada were jealous of L's sexy boyfriend, so they moved to the other side of the world. Matsuda was happy for his son and continued his merchant business, visiting L and Light every week or so. Mello the plot fairy argued that he hadn't gotten enough scenes and that the author is lazy and mean. The author was too lazy to reply, so she just decided to end the story with

And they all lived happily ever after. (Excluding Mello, Misa, and Takada.)

* * *

A/N: I hate my inspiration. It strikes at all the wrong times. I really need to work on Mello's fic, but I have about seven fics in my 'In Progress' folder. The funny thing is: Only one, yes ONE, of them has a second chapter completed. One. This is why I don't post anything until it's finished. Because my fics tend to die once I get the part in my head written out.

Even worse? I'm started to run out of fairy tale inspiration. As of recent, my humor-ness is starting to slow down. It might be because my school year is nearing an end (Yay summer!) and that means every single class is throwing some huge project in my face and if I don't finish all of them then my grades will die a horrible death of pain and suffering. Add on the inspiration that Life keeps slapping me in the face with, and that equals pain. And an exact countdown of the number of school days left until I can stop waking up early in the morning and start spending my life drooling over the delicious yaoi in my head.

...Mmmm...Yaoi... XP


	17. The Nutcracker Prince

Rating: T for booze and a swear or two. (And this is supposed to be a ballet! XD )

Summary: The Nutcracker Prince, Death Note style. L receives an extremely sexy nutcracker as a Cristmas gift, and is thrown into a very strange dream.

Spoilers: Hmmmm...Well, Mello, Matt, and Near are in it, but that's it.

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note (Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata do) and most of these fairy tales belong to Hans Christian Anderson or the Brothers Grimm. Aka, not me. (I think the nutcracker is a ballet though...Anyways, not me still.)

Warning: Childish and stupid humor, LxLight, and plenty of OOCness

A/N: Okay, the intro part (up to L getting knocked out into his dream land) was written back in December. One of my reviewers (I'm looking at you, midnightstorydesire) suggested it, and I remembered 'oh wait, I started this around Christmas time!' And I figured I might as well save myself the work of a fully story and use something previously written. XD So the beginning will be a little less comedy-ish, since it wasn't meant to be a humor at first.

**ATTENTION!!**: Since I really liked my superstition bonus chapter, I want to try something out. But the problem is...I don't' know what. So toss me your ideas! A Q&A with the characters, a party to celebrate, random bloopers, or whatever happens to pop up in your odd little mind! Throw a plot fish at me! (Because plot bunnies are sooooooo five minutes ago.) I'm open for ideas! XD

* * *

It was a horribly cold winter morning and a slight chill blew through the house. The cool air went unnoticed by the group near the door. There were no parents in the house, only five small orphans, each about the age of eight, all sitting silently at the front entrance. A pile of unwrapped presents were scattered about the living room, most consisting of a large amount of sugar, toys, clothes, and electronic games. They were lucky that they had all been able to agree upon a Christmas plan. Each bought presents for the others. They all knew each other well enough to know what to get and could always ask if they needed an idea. But now, with all the presents opened, they simply sat at the door.

They were waiting. Waiting for the one old man who always dropped by with a special gift for each one of them. All five of them were at the door. White-haired Near was seated patiently on the floor, twirling a strand of hair in one finger. Blonde Mello was sitting in a chair at the table with his best friend, Matt. Mello was eating a chocolate bar, and Matt was playing a handheld video game. Misa, the only girl in the house, was rocking back and forth on her feet by the door, too impatient and excited to stay still. And finally, the last orphan had dark black hair, odd bags under his eyes, and a name with only one letter: L.

All five had been tossed together in the same house that had been left behind by L's parents. There were never any problems financially. L, Mello, Matt, and Near were all working together under an alias as a detective, since they were all child prodigies, and Misa was a super-model. Their house ran smoothly. They were all happy and lived very well considering they were only five children. They had all become quick friends, despite a few arguments here and there, and all had one thing in common come Christmas time.

They all waited for Watari.

That wasn't the old man's real name, but it was what everyone called him. Every year at Christmas, Watari would stop by to drop off some very special toys and gifts for the five children. He not only helped the detective team of four take on cases, but he ran his own toy factory. Therefore, he was always able to have five special toys for each of the little children at Christmas. Watari's visit was the most important part of the holiday. They always woke up early (though Ryuuzaki didn't wake up at all. He never slept. He merely spent all night reading or solving cases) and once everyone was awake they all tore open their presents, tossed them aside, and raced to the door to wait for Watari.

Which was exactly what they were doing now.

The floor creaked under Misa's rocking feet, Mello munched on a chocolate bar, Near let out a long sigh, and Ryuuzaki nibbled on a peppermint candy cane from his stocking while sitting in the odd position that the others always questioned in their heads ("Because if I sat the way other people do my reasoning abilities would drop by forty percent" was the answer every time. None of them believed it, but they'd learned to stop asking. L liked to keep secrets and his sitting position was one of them).

After about an hour of waiting, the door finally creaked open to reveal Watari at the snow-covered doorstep with a sack of toys slung over his shoulder . Everyone jumped up (except for Misa, who was already standing) and cheered. There were warm greetings all over and they all pulled the poor old man into the kitchen where they had already kept a mug of hot chocolate and a plate of holiday cookies warm and toasty for his arrival.

Watari had a huge grin on his face. It always made him joyful to see the five kids who already had their own jobs so happy. Things always went the same once he arrived. They all dragged him into the kitchen for a warm drink and some snacks, all five waited patiently and excitedly for him to finish, and then each would receive their gift. The gifts were very special. The children looked forward to the excitement of receiving the toys, and Watari looked forwards to seeing the truly cheerful looks on their faces.

The five minutes it took for Watari to finish the cookies and hot chocolate seemed to drag on forever. It would have taken longer, had each child not carefully stolen a cookie off the plate. Watari noticed, of course, but he didn't mind. He merely wiped a few stray crumbs off Matt's face as he walked into the living room, with his toy bag and five little kids following right behind him.

The Christmas tree was much taller and brighter than most, reaching up to the twenty foot ceiling with lights and ornaments on almost every single branch. It sparkled and glowed so much that even a blind person would be able to notice it. Wreaths and tinsel decorated each wall and there were stockings hung over an unlit fireplace. Already, there were five tall piles of gifts stacked by one of the four walls.

L, Matt, Mello, Near, and Misa all scurried ahead to take their seats in a semi-circle around by the tree while Watari sat down in front of all them. He watched as five pairs of eyes widened as he reached into the bag that carried the most important gifts of the holiday.

For Near, a giant puzzle that no normal-minded human being would be able to complete. The puzzle was pure white aside from a very detailed N that adorned the upper left corner of the puzzle. The interesting part was that the pieces could stack up like Lego blocks. Near had a wide grin on his face as he thankfully accepted the puzzle and immediately began clicking the pieces together at a rate that would make someone faint from surprise.

For Mello, a 'Make your own Chocolate bar' kit. All he had to do was pour in chocolate syrup and in five minutes he'd have a nice chocolate bar to munch on. It was fudge brown and could easily fit on the kitchen counter or Mello's dresser without taking up that much space. Mello jumped up, yelled out the loudest thanks ever, and dashed off to try it out.

For Matt, a brand new video game console and a giant stack of games to go with it. Most of the games were violent, but none were 'M' rated so it wasn't that bad. Matt didn't even bother to say thanks. His face lit up and he brought all the games and the console into his arms and raced off to his room with a gleaming smile that put Rudolph's nose to shame. Watari didn't mind. The huge grin was enough to know that Matt was thankful.

For Misa, a princess vanity that had five drawers and six hidden compartments that needed a number code to open. It was already filled with make-up and hairbrushes and even had a rack for hanging up a few dresses. A bright pink dress with sparkling trim already hung there. There was also a digital camera, complete with timer and a tripod stand and while some would say it was unfair and that she got more than the others, the camera and stand were gifts for them all. It meant that Misa no longer had to bother one of the four boys whenever she needed a cameraman for her 'photo shoots' when she decided to play 'Model MisaMisa' at home. She let out a squeal that could easily cause deafness and plopped down into the cushioned chair to brush out her already tangle-less hair.

And finally, it was little L's turn. L wasn't really much for toys and puzzles, so usually he got a huge stack of cake mixes and he could dash off to make all the strawberry shortcake he desired. One year, Watari had gotten him a Strawberry Shortcake doll and while he did enjoy the smell, poor Strawberry had ended up a mere air freshener in L's room that made the place smell like a strawberry farm. None of the other siblings walked into his room without holding their noses closed and Mello had hung up a notice on the door proclaiming that those allergic to strawberries should not enter.

But this year, the lump in Watari's toy bag wasn't big enough to be cake mix. L curiously leaned forwards to see as Watari reached in and pulled out a small little soldier.

_His teeth are huge..._ was the first thought through L's mind as he stared in wonder at the little soldier figure. It was made out of wood, but polished so that it shone. The suit it wore was a bright red with beautiful gold trim and buttons and dark black pants. A tall red hat was carved on top of it's head with a fine gold decorative line around the rim. It's hair was chestnut brown, it had huge teeth, and a lever that could be pulled down stuck out of it's back.

"It's a nutcracker," Watari explained, noticing the confused and awed face of the young detective. "You eat almost nothing but sweets, so maybe this can help you get out of that habit." L didn't really care about his sugar addiction, but the nutcracker was very nice.

"How does it work?" he asked with bright, curious eyes. Watari smiled, stood up, and walked over to a dish of walnuts that was on a table over in the corner of the room. L watched, fascinated as Watari popped one of the walnut's into the nutcracker's mouth and pulled the lever in back. There lever forced down the oversized teeth and crushed the shell of the nut easily. The shell bits fell on the tabletop and Watari removed the little edible nut part inside, handing it to L. L then tossed the little piece of nut into his mouth and grinned. It wasn't great, but it sure looked like fun to crush the shell. Watari placed the nutcracker into the child's skinny but careful arms and walked off to see how Mello and Matt were doing.

L brought the bowl of walnuts to the floor, sat down, and started cracking open walnut after walnut after walnut. And with each shell cracked, a small walnut fell into his mouth.

As he had been sitting and silently admiring the nutcracker soldier, there was a loud explosion from the kitchen area. L looked over towards the sound in time to see the wall crack, break, and tip over towards him. He heard someone (likely Mello) swear loudly just as the wall fell and hit his head. Of course, from a blow like that, he fell unconscious and into a world of sugarplums and gumdrops and dreams.

L awoke to something poking at his side, and a voice that he didn't recognize complaining,

"Come on...I know you aren't dead. Get up. I'm bored and the dream doesn't start until you're up."

L blinked, then opened his eyes and sat up. He was still in the same room, but everything was...bigger. A lot bigger. Or maybe he just got smaller.

He turned to stare at the source of the voice he'd heard before, and came face to face with the very nutcracker he'd received as a gift. Except he was alive, taller, moving, less wooden, and a whole lot sexier.

"Finally," the nutcracker sighed. "I'm Light, the nutcracker princes. You're L, in case you don't remember."

"I remember perfectly fine," L snapped, glancing around a bit more. His eyes widened and he stared as a bunch of toys simply got up and started marching around. Yup. Definitely a dream. He rubbed his eyes a bit to make sure he was seeing right, and when he looked again he saw an army of rats scampering towards the toys. Light rushed off, and soon there was a whole freaking WAR between toys and rats. L rooted for the toys, because they had a sexy leader and less diseases.

Time passed on (L began to get bored, since he had no weapon and couldn't fight), and soon both armies were nearly completely wiped out. Everyone but Light and the ferocious Rat Queen (who looked and sounded a lot like Misa, for some strange reason) was unconscious on the floor. L watched as the prince and the queen faced off in an extremely epic battle.

But soon, Light began to get tired, and the queen started to win. At that moment, L decided it was about time he did something. According to the story, he was supposed to throw his shoe at the Rat Queen. He looked down at his bare feet, and decided to improvise.

He swiftly yanked the boot of an army soldier's foot and chucked it at the Rat Queen. It hit her in the hand, and time seemed to stop as she brought her hand to her face and stared.

"EEEEKKKKKKKK!!" she shrieked suddenly as Light and L covered their ears to block out the horrible, painful noise that sounded like a cat being ruthlessly microwaved. "YOU BROKE MY FINGERNAIL!!"

From sheer shock, the Rat Queen swayed and fainted on the spot. Light and L stared on, confused. Had...Had she Just fainted because her NAIL broke?

As Light opened his mouth to question it, L interrupted, "This is a dream, so neither of us should bother questioning it. Please, let's just continue."

Light shrugged. "Alright. You know what this means?" He smirked deviously as he said this, staring right at L.

"No, I do not."

"PARTY!! WOOOOOOO!! DRINK TILL YOU PUKE!"

Which lead to L, Light, and all the residents sitting in Light's marvelous castle and having a drunk karaoke party. People periodically left to the bathrooms to puke their internal organs out, and some Just passed out on the floor. (Those poor fools got marker moustaches scribbled onto their faces.)

L and Light sat at their own fancy table. L hadn't bothered drinking, proclaiming that he was technically underage according to the story's mechanics. He settled for some delicious cake. Light, however, was completely smashed and had mistaken a nearby potted plant for L. L didn't say anything about it, but he did feel a bit jealous that the shrub was getting all of Light's attention.

Just as Light passed out and smashed his face into the dirt of the plant, L's vision started to waver, and faded into black. Again.

"I didn't mean to, I swear!"

"Mello. You really should have been more careful. You could have given L a concussion."

"I didn't think the explosion would be _that_ big!"

L awoke to Mello and Watari arguing, and he groggily opened his eyes and sat up. There was a huge pain in his head, and he closed his eyes again once he was up.

"See? He's not dead or anything!"

Watari ignored Mello's protests, and knelt down in front of L.

"L, are you okay?"

L pried his eyes open, and glanced to the side. Light stood on a nearby desk, though he was back to his normal wooden self. L frowned, upset.

"Damn."

* * *

A/N: How disappointing. Waking up to find that your sexy princely boyfriend was made of wood. Poor L. T-T L is throwing a pity party, if anyone wants to come. XD Just kidding! But you can feel free to give him some cake via review.


	18. The Frog Prince

Rating: T for possible swearing, I think. Maybe. I dunno. I'm too lazy.

Summary: The Frog Prince, Death Note style. Light promises to let a frog live with him, but he doesn't think he'll actually have to stick to his word.

Spoilers: Uhhhmmm...Well, Mello shows up. And...And...Not much else...

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note (Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata do) and most of these fairy tales belong to Hans Christian Anderson or the Brothers Grimm. Aka, not me.

Warning: Childish and stupid humor, LxLight, and plenty of OOCness

A/N: I had been planning on Alice in Wonderland for this week, but I got struck by inspiration (It won't leave me alone. T-T ) to draw a picture for it. So I wanna finish that before I post up the fanfiction. Meaning it might be a while.

I don't think this one turned out as good as some of my other fairy tales have (it might be because I was listening to Sweeny Todd music while writing it), but here you go anyway.

* * *

Once upon a time... (Here we go again...)

There was an extremely beautiful (and sexy) prince named Light. Every day he would go outside of the castle and sit outside the nearby well. There, he would play with his favorite toy: A little golden ball that he liked to toss up and down while he pretended that it was actually fun to sit around and throw the ball into the air.

As he was playing one afternoon by the well, he heard a small voice by his ear.

"Hey there, Light!" the Plot Fairy, Mello, snickered. He smirked like he was waiting for the opportunity to do something evil. He was, of course.

"...Hello?" Light said, confused.

"Wow, that ball looks really fun!" Mello commented innocently.

"It is!" exclaimed the prince. "It's made of solid gold! I like to toss it up and down by this deep, dark, bottomless well here!"

"Really..." Mello murmured, obviously struck by an idea. "You want to know what would be really fun? Try tossing it up as high as you can!"

Light nodded, and gave it a shot. The ball flew up into the air, hovered for a moment, then plummeted back down. Light held out his hands to catch it, but just barely missed. The tiny ball plopped down into the well and sank down. Light gasped in fear and ran over to stare down into the murky depths. Mello cackled and vanished as Light watched the glint that was his ball disappear. He couldn't even see the bottom from up here!

The prince sat down on the edge and sighed. His ball was as good as gone. There was no way to get it back. It would be lost forever.

"I would give my fancy dresses, nice jewels, ANYTHING to have my ball back!" he wailed, sobbing quietly like a little girl. (coughUkecough)

"Hey..." The first call went unnoticed to the prince. "Hey!!" He shifted a little at the second. "HEY!! DOWN HERE!!"

After the voice yelled a third time, Light jumped and finally noticed the small frog that was sitting next to him.

"What's wrong?" it asked curiously.

"I lost my favorite ball in the well," Light sniffled, not even realizing that the frog could swim.

"I can get your ball for you," the frog said, causing Light's face to light up. "But I don't want any of your dresses, jewels, or material possessions, Light-kun. All I ask is that you bring me back to your castle, let me be your companion, let me eat from your plate, let me sleep in your bed, and let me live with you."

Light thought about this, and realized that the frog needed water, so it couldn't leave the well to live with him! He could get his ball from the frog and just leave!

"Sure! I promise! Just go get my ball!" Light replied, content with his plan. The frog seemed to nod before leaping into the water and disappearing. A minute or two later, it resurfaced with the golden ball in it's mouth.

Light jumped for joy at the sight of his golden ball. Then he grabbed it from the frog's mouth and ran off back to his castle.

"Light-kun!" the frog yelled after him. "Wait! I can't get to the castle on my own!"

"I believe I can help you out with that..." said Mello, reappearing just behind the well with that same malevolent smirk on his face.

--

That evening, Light was sitting at the dining room table and eating supper with his family when there was a knock at the door.

"I'll get it!" Light volunteered happily. He'd been in a good mood ever since he'd gotten his ball back, and had resumed playing his game in his room. There weren't any wells in his room.

He opened the door, only to see the very frog that had retrieved his ball standing there.

"Will Light-kun let me in?" it asked. Light slammed the door in it's face and ran back to the table. Panicking, he told his father about the frog and his ball and his promise. King Yagami shook his head sadly and replied,

"Well, son, you made a promise. You can't go back on your word. Go back there and let that frog in." Light hung his head. He had to listen to his father. He reluctantly shuffled over to the door and opened it up. The frog was still there, staring up at him expectantly.

"Come in..." Light muttered, holding the door open so the frog could hop in. They both went to the kitchen and Light sat back down in his seat and resumed eating. It wasn't long before he heard the frog hopping, and glanced down to see what was wrong.

"I want to sit up on the table so I can be next to Light-kun," the frog complained. Light had been about to refuse, until he saw his father's glare. Then he silently picked the frog up and set it on the table.

"What next? I suppose you'll want to eat from my plate?" Light sneered. The frog seemed to shake it's head 'no'.

"I would rather eat Light-kun's dessert, if he does not mind."

Light actually didn't mind that, so Queen Yagami went and brought back Light's dessert, a plate of strawberry cheesecake. Light nibbled at his dinner, and the frog ate up his dessert. Light remained silent. He didn't much like sweets anyways.

Once they were done, Light announced that he was going to bed. Of course, the frog followed along. Light picked the creature up and carried it there. The frog was a bit confused at the sudden act of kindness, but didn't protest.

However, once Light got into his room, he threw the frog into his closet and slammed the door shut.

"That takes care of that," he said to himself as he flopped down onto his bed. Within moments, he was fast asleep.

Meanwhile, in his closet sat a rather hot prince, very surprised at having been thrown into the closet. Nevertheless, L stood up and grabbed something of Light's to wear (he hadn't been wearing anything as a frog, so he didn't have anything of his own), dressing quickly before stepping out of the closet and into the room.

L silently padded over to the bed and hopped in, laying down peacefully next to Light. He didn't sleep, just lay there and thought. He found it rather interesting when Light rolled over and wrapped his arms around the frog prince, mumbling incoherently in his sleep.

--

To his dismay, Light woke up the next morning to find the frog and some of his clothes on his bed.

"What are my clothes doing here?" Light asked, confused.

"Um...I was cold?" the frog attempted to explain. Light shrugged and threw the clothes into the laundry basket.

"Whatever..."

The next day went similar to the last. The frog followed Light everywhere, eating all his desserts and hopping alongside him. At night, Light carried the frog up again, and threw him into his wardrobe before going to sleep. And again, L borrowed Light's clothes and lay down next to Light in bed.

The same passed for the next day and night, and then the following day. But the night following that day was different. That night, when Light threw L against the wall over his bed, the frog immediately transformed into a prince right before his eyes!

"HOLY CRAP THE FROG TURNED INTO AN EXTREMELY HOT PRINCE!!" Light screamed.

"I can explain!" L pleaded. "I was cursed by a witch who was jealous of how extremely hot I was (coughMISAcough) to be a frog until I could sleep in the same bed as a prince or princess for three days and not be thrown out a window. Light-kun has broken my curse, so now I am back to being a prince again."

Light blinked, taking this all in. "How many princes and princesses threw you out a window before?"

"Eleven."

"That sucks."

"Of course it did. I think I still have a glass shard in my back."

"...Well now that you're an extremely hot not-frog, will you marry me?"

"I've slept in the same bed as you for three nights and you're totally sexy. Why _wouldn't_ I marry you?"

And so they got the glass shard out of L's shoulder and got married, and they all lived happily ever after. Except for the witch who cursed L. She was cursed back with the curse of being eternally haunted by Mello. Due to his constant saying of "Ice with that burn?", she developed pagophobia. (The fear of ice) And everyone laughed at her pain and suffering.

THE END

* * *

A/N: I dunno...This one just doesn't seem as funny to me...So I apoligize.


	19. Jack and the Beanstalk

Rating: T for the D and H words. Ooooooh! Beware! 0-o

Summary: Jack and the Beanstalk, Death Note style. L is threatened into trading his cow for some magic beans, but he didn't imagine that they would grow so tall!

Spoilers: Uhh...Mello appears, but that's it.

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note (Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata do) and most of these fairy tales belong to Hans Christian Anderson or the Brothers Grimm. Aka, not me. Oh, and I don't own Jedis either. (You'll understand...)

Warning: Childish and stupid humor, LxLight, and plenty of OOCness

A/N: I don't like this one much...

Oh, and to answer a question: Supposedly, throwing something against a wall will undo shape shifting. So that's why Light threw the poor Frog L against the wall and why L changed back because of it. Well, Light actually mainly threw L out of anger and frustration...

* * *

Once upon a clock's words... (Because clocks tell time and they just won't shut up about it!)

There was a boy who lived in a house that was in a town that was in a country that was in a chunk of land that was part of the world that was part of the solar system that was part of a galaxy that was part of a universe that was held up entirely by a giant mongoose, but that giant mongoose was sick of carrying the universe so it set the universe down and went to go play with the other giant mongooses in the Giant Mongoose Universe.

But our story isn't about that giant mongoose. It's about the boy in his house that the entire pointless statement was about. Congratulations, I've just succeeded in wasting your time! (Just be happy I'm not killing it)

There was a young boy named L who lived with his mother in his house. They were very poor, and all they had was a cow. Usually, they would sell the cow's milk to buy food, but as of recent the cow had stopped giving milk, leaving them with no other choice but to sell the cow.

The mother was sick, so she sent L out to the town to sell the cow and bring back what he got. L nodded and lead the animal out to the nearby town. There was a marketplace near the center square, and he could bring it there to sell.

About halfway there, he encountered a strange man with blond hair who introduced himself as Mello.

"That's a nice cow you have there," commented the strange Mello.

"...Thank you?" L replied, wondering why this random person was talking to him.

"Tell you what," Mello continued as he pulled out some rainbow colored beans from his pocket. "I'll trade you these magic beans for your cow. These beans will grow all the way up to the sky!"

"I don't care." L replied coldly. "It would be stupid to trade a grown cow for a handful of beans."

Mello's eyes narrowed into a glare, then he waved his free hand in Jedi-like circles as he used a hypnotic voice to say, "You _do_ want to trade your cow for these magic beans."

"No, I don't." L insisted.

"..." Mello pouted, then switched to Plan B. He retrieved a sharp knife from his back pocket, holding it out for L to see as the sun glinted off of it. "Yes, you do."

"Yes, I do," L agreed nervously, handing the cow to Mello and accepting the small rainbow beans before running off.

Mello smirked and leaned back against the wall. "I was BORN for this job!" he cheered, heading off to the bar to celebrate his job well done with Matt.

Meanwhile, L returned home sadly with the beans and no cow. His mother scolded him, throwing the beans out the front window and sending him to bed with no dessert. L went to bed sadly, and fell asleep thanks to some magical plot-fairy sleeping gas. ("I can sense your jealousy through the computer," he brags at you readers.)

The next morning, L awoke to find that the windows of his room that faced the front of the house weren't getting any sunlight. Curious, he hopped out of bed and walked over to see what was the matter. The sight he saw shocked him.

There was a _**HUMONGOUS**_ bean stalk out in the front yard that climbed all the way up to the sky. Mello hadn't been lying! As L gaped in shock at the stalk, a squirrel ran by and glanced up at it, apparently trying to judge whether it would be a good home or not. After a few seconds, it deemed the beanstalk too tall and dashed off.

L hopped down the stairs eagerly, ignoring his mother's yell of, "What in the bloody hell is that thing on the front lawn??" There was certainly some interesting investigation to be done about this beanstalk, specifically whatever lie at the top.

There is good news and bad news for L here. The good news was that there was a spiral staircase of strong leaves to walk up to the top on. The bad news is, it was a long way up.

After about an hour, L finally dragged himself onto the cloud the stalk ended at, panting from exhaustion. He looked around to see where he'd ended up, and spotted a freaking HUGE castle in front of him.

Wondering exactly who lived in such a large castle, L picked himself up off the ground and walked forward towards it.

The door was unlocked, so he walked in. Normally, L wouldn't barge into someone's house like this, but his curiosity had gotten the better of him. He poked his head inside and looked around, then walked entirely inside.

Moving to the next room brought him to the kitchen, but as he was admiring the place, he heard some very loud footsteps walking closer. Fearing for his safety, L managed to squeeze himself into a small counter underneath the sink. Mere moments later, he heard a voice boom,

"**Fee fi fo fum** (whatever the hell that means...)

**I smell the blood of an Englishman!**

**Be he alive for be he dead,**

**I'll grind his bones to make...**"

The voice paused, and L could hear some papers shuffling.

"...Grind his bones to make my bread?" the confused voice said. "But that would make it all crunchy and gross! Forget that. I'll just eat him."

L's eyes widened as he realized that this was the giant ogre in the sky named Kira that his mother had warned him about. But she had also told him that the ogre had great riches. L made the decision to save his mother (and himself) from poverty by stealing some of the great fortune this ogre supposedly had.

L pressed his ear to the cabinet door, listening as Kira rummaged through the refrigerator, apparently having forgotten about the Englishman.

"Darn!" the ogre complained. "I'm all out of blueberry muffins! I'll have to go get some more..." And with that, Kira stormed out the door to go to the grocery store in the sky.

L popped out of the cabinet, scurrying out and searching the house for any gold that might be around.

It took a couple minutes, but L finally managed to spot a giant bag of gold coins. Actually, there were _two_ giant bags of gold coins. All the better.

Content, L grabbed both of them and dragged them out the door. It took a whole lot of effort, but he managed to drag them both to the beanstalk and all the way down. At the bottom, he collapsed on the ground and, not wanting to bother with going to get her, yelled for his mom to come outside.

His mother dashed out to see what was the matter, and was surprised to see the bags of gold. She happily praised her son, gave him dessert, and sent him back to bed.

But sadly, the gold didn't last forever, and L found himself once again trudging up the tall beanstalk staircase. He did the same as before, walking into the house and hiding in the cabinet. A minute or two later, Kira stomped back into the room, roaring,

"**Fee Fi Fo Fum**,

**I smell...**I smell..."

L heard him sniff a couple times.

"Aw, dammit! Misa sent me mangoes again! I told her that I hate mangoes!"

L waited patiently as Kira walked over to the counter, grabbed what he presumed to be the basket of mangoes, and left, saying he was going to give that witch (with a B) a piece of his mind (and a piece of those stupid mangoes).

L went on another expedition of the house, soon coming across a very interesting goose. Wondering, he commanded it to lay an egg. Surprisingly enough, the goose actually obeyed, laying a solid gold egg. L stared in wonder at the shimmering gold, then grabbed the goose and ran off, back down the beanstalk and to his home where he presented the goose to his mother. His mother was overjoyed, gave him dessert, and sent him back to bed again.

After a couple more days, L got bored and decided to explore once more. He hiked up the staircase and to the castle. Kira was already gone, so L began exploring right away. Soon enough, he found a golden harp on the table and, satisfied with that, grabbed it and walked out.

But as he left, Kira happened to return and saw him.

"**FEE FI FO...**Oh screw this! Get back here with my harp, you hot theif!" he yelled, chasing after L. Terrified, L took off as fast as he could, racing back to the beanstalk and easily sliding down all the leaves in the staircase. Luckily, he reached the bottom quickly. Because when Kira started climbing down, the stalk cracked under his weight and fell down to the ground.

For some strange reason, this caused Kira to transform into a normal human, and when L walked over to investigate all he found was a very sexy teenager.

Kira blinked, staring up at L. Then he waved his hand in a Jedi-like circle while saying, "You want to marry me."

L blinked, then replied, "Hell yes I do!"

And so they got married and lived happily ever after. (And the beanstalk fed the entire town for a year.)

THE END

* * *

A/N: I rushed this one, so I don't like it much. T-T Sorry.


	20. Nursery Rhymes

Rating: T for mild swearing and hot guys making out. (Not in detail though. Don't get your hopes up. Feel free to use your imagination though.)

Summary: Nursery Rhymes, Death Note style. Light attacks some poor mice, Mikami falls down, Light chases after L, Misa shows off her super-strength, L and Lgith go to get some water, and Mello builds a bridge.

Spoilers: Um...Mello, Matt, Near, Mikami, and Takada are in it. But there isn't really anything.

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note (Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata do) and I don't know who invented the nursery rhymes, but I found them here:

http /www .rh ymes.o rg.u k/

Warning: Childish and stupid humor, LxLight, plenty of OOCness, and a lack of sense.

A/N: Hooray! I reached twenty chapters! -confetti- BE PROUD OF ME!

But don't be proud of the fact that I nearly forgot to post it. XP I finished it early, and forgot to put it up. Wow. Brain-fart.

To celebrate my 20-chapter accomplishment, I decided not to do a fairy tale. (It's also partly because I didn't feel like it, but that's not the point) Instead, I bring you some random Nursery rhymes. They're like fairy tales, but shorter. XD Please enjoy. (I asked nicely...)

(Though, to be completely honest, I'm not sure if these all make sense anymore. So beware! I might have stopped making sense!)

* * *

Humpty Dumpty

_Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall._

"Wow, it's pretty high up here!" Mikami Dumpty proclaimed, staring down at the ground below. All the people looked like tiny ants from up where he was. "It's too bad I can't remember how I got up here. I think I'd like to go back down...It can't be safe up here for an egg-person..."

_Humpty Dumpty had a great fall._

"Fall?" Mikami squeaked. "Why would I fall? I have very good balance–"

"SHOVE!" yelled Plot Fairy Mello as he pushed Mikami off the wall and watched him fall to the ground. He fell, and fell, then ran down some spiral stairs, and then fell some more. Finally (after a full half hour, during which Mello had gotten bored and gone to set up the next setting), he hit the ground and smashed into a thousand pieces.

_And all the King's horses, and all the King's men_

_Couldn't put Humpty together again._

"Oh forget this!" King Light sighed. "This is hopeless! Who's idea was it to have the horses help? They're just making things worse." He looked around, then pointed to his assistant, Misa.

"You. Misa. Go get my chefs and bring them here, then inform the town that they will be allowed to eat only scrambled eggs for the next month or so." Misa nodded, and was off.

"Alright, I'm going back to my room to have some alone time with Queen L!" King Light announced. "If anyone disturbs us, they'll be losing a limb, and will have no say in which one!" Then he stomped back to his castle to see his queen.

--

Three Blind Mice

_Three blind mice. Three blind mice._

_See how they run. See how they run._

"I CAN'T SEE ANYTHING!" Misa-Mouse shrieked, running into a table on accident.

"Welcome to my world!" Takada-Mouse yelled back. She dashed about, hoping she wouldn't hit anything.

"I think I hear someone coming! Quick, let's chase him!" Mikami-Mouse shouted. The other mice agreed and ran over.

_They all chased after the Farmer's wife,_

_Who cut off their tails with a carving knife,_

"And this is for annoying me all the time...And this is for being so stuck up...And this is for stalking/worshiping me like some crazed fangirl..." Light proclaimed with a maniacal laugh as he chopped off all of the tails of the mice.

"Light-kun, what are you doing in there?" Farmer L asked, poking his head into the kitchen.

"I'm cutting the tails of these mice. I think they're blind though..." he said.

"And why is Light-kun hurting the defenseless mice?" L inquired, walking into the room and folding his arms across his chest in a sort of pout.

"..." Light hesitated for a moment. "For fun..."

"Up by twelve percent for deriving amusement from killing."

"That much?"

"I'll lower it by two percent if you'll give me a kiss."

Light smirked devilishly as he strolled towards his husband. "I would do that even if it made my percentage _rise_."

_Did you ever see such a thing in your life,_

_As three blind mice?_

"Ahhh! Now I'm blind AND tail-less!"

--

Pop Goes the Weasel

_All around the mulberry bush,_

_The monkey chased the weasel_.

"GET BACK HERE, L!!" Light yelled at the top of his lungs, chasing L around a rondom mulberry bush. L snickered and continued running. Neither of them really remembered why they had even started running in the first place, but they had stopped caring when Light got so worked up that it was funny.

_The monkey stopped to pull up his socks_,

"Egads! My socks are falling down!" Light exclaimed, noticing that his socks were falling down into his shoes. He kneeled down on the ground and had started to pull them up when...

_And POP goes the weasel!_

L shook up a can of soda that had appeared out of nowhere and opened it up with a loud 'POP', spraying the sticky cola right at poor Light. Light was drenched with fizzy soda-pop, and as the stuff dripped off of him, he glared up at L.

"...I'm going to kill you."

L did the only thing that could save him in this situation.

Pull off the most adorable pair of puppy-dog-eyes the world has ever seen. His eyes widened, and grew a bit teary as he sniffled.

Light's expression immediately softened, And he reached forward and gave L a comforting kiss on the lips.

"...Light-kun tastes like soda-pop..."

"You think?"

"Yes, I do think. Thanks for noticing."

--

Jack and Jill

_Jack and Jill went up the hill_

_To fetch a pail of water_

"Wow, this is one tall hill," Prince Light commented, his crown on his head as he stared up at the hill, carrying a pail behind him. "It's more like a mountain."

"It is not," Princess L scoffed, trudging along behind his prince.

"Why are we even going up to fetch water? Don't we have indoor plumbing?"

"Mello-kun instructed us not to question why, Light-kun."

_Jack fell down and broke his crown,_

Sadly, Light did not notice the stone in his path up the hill and he tripped, falling down the hill and covering his suit in grass stains. His crown also fell of his head, rolling all the way down and crashing against a tree. The tree broke it.

_And Jill came tumbling after._

On his way down, Light managed to snatch poor L's leg, successfully dragging him down along for the ride. L squeaked, surprised as he was yanked down and forced to tumble along with Light all the way back down to the bottom of the hill.

"...Well, this sucks."

"Agreed."

--

Little Miss Muffet

_Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,_

_Eating her curds and whey._

Misa sat happily on a little tuffet while eating her breakfast of curds and whey. She didn't know what curds and whey really where (though they didn't taste that bad), nor did she know what a tuffet was (I don't think anyone knows), but she was still content.

"I wonder where Light-kun is...Hopefully not with that pervert Ryuuzaki," she mused aloud to herself.

(Little did she know, Light was making out with L passionately in a broom closet a little ways away.)

_Along came a spider,_

_Who sat down beside her,_

_And frightened Miss Muffet away._

"BOO!" yelled a nearby Melo-spider, scaring the crap out of Misa.

"EEEEKKK!! SPIDER!!" she shrieked, ripping a nearby tree out of the ground and holding it up in the air threateningly.

"HOLY CRAP!" Mello yelled, scurrying away as fast as his spider legs could take him as Misa proceeded to beat the crap out of the poor defenseless tuffet using the giant tree.

Curious, L poked his head out of the broom closet door to see what the noise was about.

"It's only Misa-san throwing a temper tantrum using a nearby tree," he informed Light.

"That's nice. Get in here and take your shirt off," was Light's reply.

--

London Bridge is Falling Down

_London Bridge is falling down,_

_Falling down, Falling down._

_London Bridge is falling down,_

_My fair Lady_

"Yes, I can see tha–Wait! I'm not a Lady!" Mello fumed, standing next to the giant bridge

_Build it up with wood and clay,_

_Wood and clay, wood and clay._

_Build it up with wood and clay,_

_My fair Lady_

"Well fine...But stop calling me a lady." Mello muttered, leaving and returning with piles of wood and clay. He was just about to call the builders when...

_Wood and clay will wash away,  
Wash away, wash away,  
Wood and clay will wash away,  
My fair Lady._

Mello gaped, then glared. "Then why did you TELL me to build it with wood and clay?"

_Build it up with bricks and mortar,  
Bricks and mortar, bricks and mortar,  
Build it up with bricks and mortar,  
My fair Lady._

"Oh, you just decide that now, eh?" Mello pouted, storming off to get the requested supplies. Soon, he had some bricks and cement.

"I couldn't find any mortar, so I went with cement instead. Will that wor–"

_Bricks and mortar will not stay,  
Will not stay, will not stay,  
Bricks and mortar will not stay,  
My fair Lady._

"What the hell?" Mello complained. "What's wrong with bricks?! Bricks are perfectly fine! What, are they gonna leave or something? Do they not like this location?"

At that moment, the bricks he'd brought sat up and looked around (because they were magic bricks). The leader brick frowned, apparently not pleased.

"Dude, this place sucks," he announced. All the bricks murmured their agreement, and walked away with the cement.

Mello blinked, shocked. "Okay. You were right on that one."

_Build it up with iron and steel,  
Iron and steel, iron and steel,  
Build it up with iron and steel,  
My fair Lady._

"Okay, iron and steel make sense," Mello agreed. Then he threw a glare up at the sky or wherever the voice was coming from. "But stop calling me a lady."

Again Mello left, but he was back soon with Iron and steel. He stopped, then quietly counted down. "Three...Two...One..."

_Iron and steel will bend and bow,  
Bend and bow, bend and bow,  
Iron and steel will bend and bow,My fair Lady._

"Bingo," Mello sighed. "What, you want the bridge to be freaking perfect or something?_"_

_Build it up with silver and gold,  
Silver and gold, silver and gold,  
Build it up with silver and gold,  
My fair Lady._

"Silver and gold?" Mello confirmed. "That's way expensive! Ah well. I'm magic anyway..."

And so, off again he was. When he game back he had plenty of silver and gold to build the bridge.

"Ready now?"

_Silver and gold will be stolen away,  
Stolen away, stolen away,  
Silver and gold will be stolen away,  
My fair Lady._

"Oh, right..." Mello muttered in agreement. "What should we do to solve that? I'm sick of getting new stuff every time you change your damn mind."

_Set a man to watch all night,  
Watch all night, watch all night,  
Set a man to watch all night,  
My fair Lady._

"MATT!" Mello yelled. Within moments, his best friend was at his side.

"What is it?" Matt asked, confused at why there was so much stuff around.

"I need you to guard the bridge I'm making of silver and gold."

"Why are you building a bridge?"

"The voice told me to! And it said to set a man to watch all night so it wouldn't get stolen!"

"Who would steal a bridge?"

"I DON'T KNOW!" Mello screamed in frustration.

_Suppose the man should fall asleep,  
Fall asleep, fall asleep,Suppose the man should fall asleep?  
My fair Lady._

"It's right, you know. I can't stay up all night. I'm not L.

"Right...Oh, and remind me to tell L 'Ice with that burn?' later for that comment you just made."

_Give him a pipe to smoke all night,  
Smoke all night, smoke all night,  
Give him a pipe to smoke all night,  
My fair Lady._

"...I'm totally supportive of this voice, Mello," Matt snickered. Mello grumbled, and left again to go get Matt a pipe.

Soon, there was a new bridge in London made entirely of silver and gold with a watch guard who sat up all night smoking a pipe. No one ever stole from the bridge for fear of incurring the wrath of Mello.

**Meanwhile...**

L and Light stood a little ways a way, laughing their head off.

"You were right, Ryuuzaki!" L managed to say between laughs. "Buying that voice changing megaphone _was_ a good idea!"

* * *

A/N: Wow, I managed to fit L and Light in all of them. XD Even when they weren't the center of attention in the story!

It's my bedtime now, so I don't have time to check it over. So hopefully it doesn't suck too much or anything. (I can't remember. I wrote it a day or two ago.)


	21. The Frog Princess

Rating: T for swearing, I think.

Summary: The Frog Princess, Death Note style. A wayward arrow causes Light to get stuck marrying a frog, but thigns turn out differently than he'd expected.

Spoilers: Um...Matt, Mello, Takada, and Mikami appear. But that's it.

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note (Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata do) and most of these fairy tales belong to Hans Christian Anderson or the Brothers Grimm. Aka, not me.

Warning: Childish and stupid humor, LxLight, MelloxMatt, MikamixTakada, One-sided MisaxLight, and plenty of OOCness

A/N: Okay, I procrastinated again, and kinda ran out of time for this one. So this might not be all that great.

...This kingdom has one weird way to get people married though, that's for sure.

* * *

(Insert fairy-tale-like intro here)...

There was a grand King named Soichiro with three sons: Mikami, Matt, and Light. One day, King Soichiro looked at his calender and gasped. His sons were all men now, which meant they had to be married. Yeah, they had to be married _right then and there._ No later than that very day.

Soichiro called his sons to the room and commanded them to make a bow and fire an arrow off into the distance. Then they would marry whoever brought back the arrow.

"Wow. That's some way to get married," Matt commented, lighting up a smoke as he and the other sons went to make their bows.

An hour later, all three sons had a bow and arrow and stood outside, waiting to fire them. Mikami, the eldest son, went first, and he shot his arrow away. There was a high-pitched shriek, then a beautiful girl came back with the arrow, looking a little shocked.

"Is this yours?" asked Takada, the daughter of another king.

"Yes it is. Marry me?" Mikami asked with a smile on his face. Takada nodded, and the two of them stood together as Matt, the second oldest, fired his arrow. It sailed off and over the horizon, falling out of sight. Moments after they lost sight of it, a very loud string of curses rang through the air. The group waited, and soon enough a furious blond stormed up, the arrow in his hand and a bleeding flesh wound in his shoulder.

"Who the hell is firing off arrows?! I'm freaking bleeding here!" Mello roared, glaring at everyone.

Matt practically drooled at the hot blonde, pulling his goggles down to hang around his neck so he could get a better look.

"Marry me!" he practically commanded.

Mello blinked, slightly confused. Then he grinned. "Sure!"

And so, Mello joined the group in watching as Light readied his own arrow to find the person he would marry.

Light pulled the string back, aimed for where he remembered a castle with a princess-to-be, and prepared to launch the arrow.

However, as he let go of the string, he sneezed. The sneeze messed up his aim and caused the arrow to instead go flying into a nearby swamp. Light gaped, greatly disappointed by this outcome. Just moments later, a frog hopped out holding the arrow in his mouth.

Everyone remained silent, understanding that now Light had to marry a frog. Matt was the first one to speak his mind.

"As I said before," he commented. "This is some way to get married."

A week later, all three sons were married to their brides in one grand wedding. The frog was given a tall stool to stand on so that he was the same height as Light. Everyone (except for poor Light) was joyful on this fantastic occasion.

—

Some time later, King Soichiro decided to test all of his sons' wives. First, he decided to see how well they could sew. He commanded all of the women to sew him a nice shirt. At this, Takada laughed spitefully at Light.

"How can a frog sew?!" she mocked, strolling off to sew a shirt.

Mello shrugged as he followed after her. "Ten bucks says the frog manages to sew a better shirt than you," he said with a smirk.

"You're on!" They shook on it, and the two had a bet.

Light stormed up to his room with his frog-spouse before flinging himself onto the bed. "How are you ever going to sew a shirt for my dad?" he whined. "You're a FROG!"

The frog simply shrugged, and watched as Light fell asleep for the night. Once Light was out like...Well, like a light, the little frog hopped out of the room and out by the swamp.

Once there, he removed his magical frog costume and turned back from a frog into a normal person, immediately pulling out a cell phone. He simply pushed a couple buttons and the first (and only) number on his speed dial was called. Within moments, the call had been answered.

"Watari?" L began. "I need your help."

—

The next morning, the sons and wives were all due to turn in the shirts they'd sewn. Light frowned as he woke up, remembering that all he had was a frog. But when he sat up and looked around, he noticed a finely sewn shirt sitting next to him, and a very happy looking frog next to it.

Light gasped, shocked, but he grinned nonetheless as he brought the shirt and his frog down to the main room and presented the shirt to his father.

Soichiro's face lit up in surprise and glee at the fantastic shirt that Light's frog-spouse had somehow managed to sew.

"This is truly a shirt fit for a king!" he exclaimed. Then he glanced over to his other two sons and their spouses. Takada walked up and presented her shirt with a smile. Soichiro picked it up and inspected it closely.

"This shirt is horrible! It's only fit for a peasant!" he scoffed, tossing it out the window. (Where is was then picked up by a very lucky peasant.) Takada gaped, shocked.

Mello laughed, walking up and tapping Takada's shoulder. "Ten bucks, Missy!" he exclaimed as he merely held up his shirt for King Soichiro to see. It was a black and white striped shirt with a fancily embroidered 'M' on it.

Soichiro blinked, confused. "Why is there an M on it?"

Mello shrugged as he accepted a ten dollar bill from Takada. "Because I can't sew so I figured that since you'd hate it I could give it to Matt," he explained, already walking off to find his husband. Takada followed, feeling awful and jealous of Light's frog. Light, however, danced off happily with his favorite frog.

—

The next day, Soichiro announced that there would be another test, this one about cooking. Each wife (or husband, in the case of Mello and the frog) had to bake a loaf of bread, and the winner would receive a brand new toaster oven!

Takada was hell bent on winning this one and defeating that little frog, so she decided to spy on L to see how he did it. It was a genius plan, she thought, and she hid just outside the kitchen to watch the frog's movement.

Light frowned, a little worried about his frog-husband near a hot oven (and sticking his slimy flippers into bread dough), but he trusted his spouse, and so dropped the frog off into the kitchen before going off to bed again.

The frog noticed Takada, and so he decided to trick her. He made the bread dough normally, but at the end he mixed things up a little. He poured an entire bottle of hot sauce into the dough, mixed it up, then simply tossed it right into the fire, not even bothering to use a rack.

Takada stared on in shock for a moment, then ran off to do the same with her own bread.

Meanwhile, the frog hopped off to the outdoors and abck to the swamp where he again removed his magical costume and transformed back into his human self.

"Sucker..." he mumbled with a smirk as he again dialed Watari.

"Yes, L?" the elderly man asked.

"Watari, I need the finest loaf of bread that could possibly be baked to be brought to me at the castle."

"Of course, L."

—

The next day, things went about the same. Light woke up to find the frog with exactly the requested thing beside him, and they both merrily went to the main room. The bread was presented, and Soichiro was delighted.

Takada's loaf, however, was so back and burnt (and smelled of hot sauce) that Soichiro didn't even try it before tossing it into the garbage. Takada glared at the frog, realizing that she'd been tricked. (It took that long to notice?)

Mello then ran in with his bread: A chocolate covered loaf of bread with chocolate chips baked into it. It looked so chocolate-y, that Soichiro didn't even bother trying it. (Mello seemed quite pleased with this, however, and ran off while proclaiming, "More for me!")(Note: We suspect that Mello may have done this on purpose. Give him more chocolate as a reward for his smart thinking.)(Mello Note: "Yeah, you're jealous! I can tell!")

Then, Soichiro declared that there would be a dance that night. Light frowned, realizing that he couldn't dance with a frog. (He ignored Takada's laughing.) But the frog reassured him that it would be okay.

"Just go to the ball. I'll meet you there," said the frog. Light decided to trust the frog, and so he went off to the ball and waited patiently for his husband to arrive.

L again went out to the swamp and removed his costume before heading over to the ball. Everyone was stunned by his beauty, especially Light and Takada. The former beamed, while the latter fumed. Takada was FURIOUS. So L could sew, cook, AND he was hot? Boy, was she jealous!

Light, however, pounced on L in a sort of hug and the two proceeded to party. L stole some old bones from the trash and put them in one sleeve as everyone watched in confusion, then he poured some water down his other sleeve. Then, when he and Light started to dance, L shook each of his sleeves. When he shook the sleeve he'd put bones into, beautiful magical swirls flew out and dazzled the audience. When he shook his other sleeve, a flurry of doves flew out to chirp a tune.

Takada mimicked L's actions, but when she shook her sleeves, all she got were the bones and water she'd put in there. Disappointed, she went back to her husband and danced. (At this point in time, Matt and Mello had already gone up to Matt's room for some alone time, not even bothering to dance. Now MELLO had the right idea, unlike Takada.)

Once they'd finished dancing, Light excused himself and ran off. He'd spotted L heading towards the swamp once, and figured that might be a good place to look for the costume. When he found it, he burned it. He didn't want L to be a frog again! He liked his hot husband just the way he was! (Frogs were rather odd to kiss, after all.)

But when Light and L went to bed that night and L realized his disguise was gone, he sighed in disappointment.

"If only Light-kun had waited longer," he mumbled, climbing out the window and running away.

Light awoke sadly to find that his hot husband had vanished, so he decide to go off to find him. He dashed off to the swamp to investigate and soon arrived upon a small cottage. He knocked on the door and was met with a rather attractive woman. (Though not nearly as hot as L, in Light's opinion.)

"Welcome!" Wedy exclaimed with a smile. "How can I help you out?"

"I'm looking for L," he explained. "Have you seen him?"

"Oh, you just missed him!" she gasped. "He's getting remarried, due to some odd tradition thing. Go check with my brother down the road. He knows more!"

Light nodded and thanked her before running off to the next house. When he knocked on the door, it was answered by Wedy's brother, Aiber.

"What's up?" he asked, curiously.

"Where can I find L?" Light asked, getting straight to the point.

"Oh, he'd over with Watari, getting remarried. When you get there, L will turn into a spool for some reason and his clothes will turn into string. Watari will wind the string around the spool and lock it in a box," Aiber explained. "You have to find the key, open the box, break the spool in half, toss one part over your shoulder, and throw the other to the ground. And then you'll find L."

Light blinked, taking it all in. Then he asked the question on everyone's mind: "Why?"

Aiber shrugged. "Beats me. Hurry up though."

Light nodded, determined, before dashing off to find Watari's house. Upon his arrival, all the events that Aiber had predicted unfolded. Being the genius that he was, Light soon sound the key, opened the box, broke the spool, and tossed the different ends. Then, his love appeared in front of him.

L checked his watch and blinked. "Light-kun is late," he announced.

Light didn't care, and he simply hoisted L up into his arms and ran all the way back to the castle where they both lived happily ever after for the rest of their lives.

THE END

Epilogue:

Misa arrived at Watari's house with a smile on her face. Her plan was perfect! She would marry L and make Light jealous, and then bribe Light into marrying her instead! It was flawless!

At least, until she realized that Light had already taken L back. She then proceeded to cry her heart out from sorrow. Watari brought her some tissues. (He's nice, isn't he?)

Then, out of nowhere, a bucket of ice fell on her head and she heard Mello yell, "ICE WITH THAT BURN?!"

The ice was then followed up by a tennis ball served right at her head, knocking her unconscious. Matt then yelled, "LOL! You got SERVED!"

And they all lived happily ever after. (Except for Misa, of course. Poor girl. If L and Light weren't so hot together, I'd feel sorry for her.)

* * *

A/N: The ending was a bit rushed, sorry. I ran out of time.


	22. Goldilocks and the Three Bears

Rating: T for something or other that I'm too lazy to look for.

Summary: Goldilocks and the Three Bears, Death Note style. Misa stumbles across a house in the woods, and winds up in more trouble than she expected.

Spoilers: Umm...Well, Matt and Mello appear. That's it.

Disclaimer: I don't own a lot of things. Among them are Death Note (Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata own it) and most of these fairy tales (most of them belong to Hans Christian Anderson or the Brothers Grimm. Aka, not me.)

Warning: Childish and stupid humor, LxLight, and plenty of OOCness

A/N: Surprise, Surprise! For a change of pace, this fairy tale will NOT star L and Light! GASPETH! So for you Misa, Matt, Mello, and Near lovers: It's your lucky day! (But don't worry, L and Light lovers! They will make their appearance. Oh, they will. -evil laughter-)

* * *

Once upon a time... (Didja miss this intro?)

There was a house in the middle of the deep woods that housed three (sort-of-but-not-quite) brothers who all lived together happily. There was Mello (the leader with the short temper), Matt (the co-leader who made sure no one died), and Near (Who hung around for lack of anything better to do). And they were content in their home in the middle of a desolate forest. Very content. So content, that they weren't content. But they were content enough to not want to move.

One morning, all three of them got up to have some delicious breakfast. Matt and Mello took a seat at the table and waited. It was Near's turn to make breakfast, so Matt read the paper and Mello sharpened a steak knife while they waited patiently.

Soon, Near walked in with three bowls of porridge. He brought a big bowl, a medium bowl, and a small bowl. The big bowl was set in front of Mello, the medium in front of Matt, and the small was kept for Near.

Mello stared down at the bowl of porridge with distaste. "Ewww! What is this stuff?" Matt also grimaced, poking cautiously at the odd mixture. He flinched at how burning hot it was and ran off to the kitchen. Moments later, he returned and dumped an entire tray of ice cubes into the bowl (ignoring the "Ice with that burn?" comment he got from Mello).

"It's porridge," Near answered, staring down at the goop.

"Porridge? WTF?! Porridge isn't chocolate!!"

"I can see that."

"It's disgusting!" Mello proclaimed, slamming his fist on the table.

"Why did you make this stuff, anyway?" Matt finally asked, pushing the bowl away from him.

"..." Near hesitated, then answered, "I have no idea..."

"Well, that's just _great_." Mello growled, folding his arms in a pout.

"I say we go out for pancakes," Matt suggested, lighting up a smoke as he said this.

"Sounds good to me," Near agreed with a shrug.

"Heck yes!" Mello cheered. "Chocolate chip pancakes, here I come!"

And so, all three of them left their forest home to go to the nearest pancake restaurant and eat a delicious breakfast of cakes made in pans.

Meanwhile, a young girl named Misa skipped merrily through the deep forest on a morning skip. She bounced around joyfully, saying hello to a few rabbits and squirrels on the way.

Unfortunately, she got lost on her little expedition in the woods, and soon fpund herself wandering around in unknown territory.

"Oh no!" she gasped. "Misa-Misa is lost in the forest! What am I going to do?"

But luckily, she spotted a house a little ways ahead. She didn't question why there was a house sitting in the middle of the woods, and instead simply walked over to see if she could ask for directions.

The door was unlocked, so she invited herself in. No one seemed to be home, but she spotted three bowls of porridge on the table.

"Well, I am a little hungry..." Misa said to herself. She shrugged and say down in front of the big bowl. "I'm sure they won't mind if Misa-Misa has a little..."

She stuck the spoon into the bowl and scooped out a spoonful of the porridge with a smile. But her grin vanished when she put the spoon into her mouth.

"Eeek!" she screeched! "Too hot!"

She hopped out of that seat and moved to the next one. She took a spoonful of the porridge in the medium bowl and tried it, but made a face.

"It's too cold!" she complained, glaring down at the dish. "It's so cold there are ice cubes in it!"

Finally, she moved down to the last bowl. She cautiously tried the porridge in that bowl, and grinned. Just right! (The small amount of porridge in the bowl must have cooled faster than the other bowls.) She happily gobbled the entire bowl of porridge before continuing to explore the rest of the house.

The next room was the living room with three chairs in it. One was a big chair (it looked more like a throne than a chair), one was a medium chair (more of a gamer chair that rocked back and forth), and one was a small chair (a little wooden stool that was more often used for toys than Near).

First, Misa tried sitting in the big chair. It was nice, but a little too big.

"Too regal and huge," she murmured. "It almost makes me think I can take over the world with a hot psychopath and supernatural notebook."

So she moved on to the medium gamer's chair. It felt nice, but when she rocked backward on it she fell over.

"Too difficult," she whined, getting up and taking a seat on the stool. The stool was just right, but right as she was settling down, it broke into pieces!

Misa sniffled, a tear running down her cheek. "Misa-Misa isn't _that_ heavy!" she sobbed, running up to the bedroom to take a nap and sleep off this little problem.

She hopped onto the big bed, but found that it was way too spacious and it felt lonely with all that room.

So instead she went to the medium bed. It was way too soft, so soft that she almost drowned in it! Luckily, the camera crew was standing nearby and was able to pull her out before she died.

Gasping for breath, she flopped down onto the small bed. It was just right. Nice and comfortable. She snuggled under the covers and buried her head into the pillow before falling fast asleep.

...Hey, don't ask me how she can sleep so soundly in a complete stranger's house. I haven't got a clue.

A half hour later, Matt, Mello, and Near returned from their pancake outing. But they were shocked to find their table in a different state than they'd left it.

"Someone ate my porridge!" Mello exclaimed.

"Ditto!" Matt added.

"Well, someone ate my porridge too. Every single bite of it," Near said, showing them his empty bowl.

"No fair!" fumed Mello. "What makes your porridge any better than mine?!" Near shrugged and suggested they search the rest of the house for the culprit.

The living room was the same.

"Someone was in my totally freaking awesome chair!" Mello growled, staring at the lump in the cushion. "It took me weeks to get the shape of my perfect butt imprinted in that cushion!"

"Someone tipped my chair over!" Matt announced as he set his chair back up. "They must not have very good balance."

"Someone broke my chair!" Near proclaimed, sadly examining the remains of his small stool. Great. Now what was he supposed to use for the mountain hideout?

"BEDROOM!" Mello yelled, practically dragging his two house-mates over to the bedroom. They each went to look at their own beds and had reactions practically the same as their previous ones.

"Someone was in my bed!" Mello exclaimed.

Matt blinked. "How can you tell?" he asked. Mello's bed looked perfectly normal.

"Well if they tried my porridge and my chair, obviously they're going to keep up that streak!" Mello explained with a scoff. "Duh!"

"There's a large dent in my bed," Matt pointed out. "Obviously they fell for my trap. I sleep in my chair."

"Uh, guys?" Near interrupted, gaining the attention of both Mello and Matt. "I think we have our culprit."

Mello smirked, staring at the girl in Near's bed. "Perfect. It's time to dish out some deliciously violent revenge cake!"

* * *

A few minutes later outside the house, Police Officers Light and L strolled trough the forest for what the station liked to call a 'corpse check' (two people were sent out to see if there were any dead people out in the woods). But they were shocked to see the corpse of a teenaged blonde out on the front lawn of this house.

"Egads! Look, Police Officer L!" Light exclaimed, pointing at the horrible mauled corpse. "It looks like a bear attack!"

"I agree, Police Officer Light!" L nodded. "How odd! This is the third victim of a bear attack that we've found outside this house within just a week!"

"Hopefully these people will stop wandering out into the woods," Light sighed sadly. Then he perked up again. "Well, now that our shift is over, let's go to the bar!"

"Can I get cake?" L asked hopefully.

"If I get a kiss," Light replied with a smirk.

"There's a broom closet at the bar!"

"Perfect."

* * *

A/N: Poor Misa. I actually feel sorry for her this time around. She only wanted directions. T-T

Oh, hey, does anyone know if replacing a chapter erases all the hits and reviews for it as well? I want to go back and fix all the typos in the previous chapters, but I don't know if replacing the chapters would erase anything for it.


	23. Puss in Boots

Rating: T for something or other. I should really remove this part. I've stopped caring.

Summary: Puss in Boots, Death Note style. When a random miller side-character dies, Light is left with only the cat, Mello. But the cat may turn out to be the best pet of all.

Spoilers: Umm...Mello shows up...And...Not much else...

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note (Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata do) and most of these fairy tales belong to Hans Christian Anderson or the Brothers Grimm. Aka, not me.

Warning: Childish and stupid humor, LxLight, and plenty of OOCness

A/N: I wrote this all in a day while playing computer games! YAY! XD Another fanfic rushed, so please don't be mad if it sucks. If it's good, then you never heard me say those previous sentences in the AN.

So yeah! Another fic that doesn't completely star Light and L! GASP! Instead, Mello and Light will be the main characters! (Don't complain! Mello's awesome!)

Enjoy! (If you want to. I would hope that you'd want to enjoy it...)

Once upon a time...(Why bother...)

There was a miller who had three great sons. When this miller died, he left all of his stuff to his sons. The older two sons (who aren't that important to the story) were very well off, but the youngest son, Light, only got his father's cat.

"This is unfair!" Light complained one day, sitting on a stump in the woods. "My brothers got nice houses and stuff, but all I got was a cat! I'm going to die cold and alone in the woods!"

"Not on my watch!" proclaimed the cat, Mello, as he dashed forward to stand confidently in front of Light.

"You can talk??" Light gasped, shocked by this revelation. "A talking cat! Maybe I can sell you on the internet! People would pay a lot of money for a talking cat!"

"Do so and they will never find what's left of your dead corpse," Mello snarled, causing Light to immediately shut up. Satisfied with this silence, Mello continued, "But if you do whatever I say, I can make you rich!"

"Why should I trust you?" Light scoffed with a glare. Mello returned that very glare with one of his own.

"Because I have lethal weapons _built into my fingertips._" Mello explained, holding up a hand and revealing his claws. Light gulped, nodding.

"Okay, what do I do?"

"Get me a sack, some grains, and a pair of boots," Mello instructed. "And while you're at it, get me some chocolate."

Light hesitated for a moment. "Why?"

"Because I said so."

Light shrugged, deciding that it probably wasn't such a good idea to argue, and walked off to get the requested items. A half hour later, he returned to that same spot with a sack, some grain, a pair of bright red boots, and a bar of chocolate.

"Perfect!" Mello proclaimed, taking all of those items and grinning to himself. He then pulled on his new boots and strolled off into the woods to put his brilliant plan into action.

He tossed the grains into the bag and propped it open with a spare stick he found laying around. After a minute or two, a pair of young rabbits hopped into the bag and began eating the grains. At that moment, Mello pounced on the bag and held it shut, grinning triumphantly.

"Ha! I win! Cat beats rabbit!" he proclaimed, slinging the bag up over his shoulder before trotting away towards the city.

He got a lot of stares from the villagers (Being that he was a cat walking on two feet and carrying a wriggling sack behind him.), but he ignored them all and continued on his way. He headed straight to the castle, and then right up to the king's throne, presenting the two rabbits to the king.

"I bring to your majesty two small rabbits, a gift from my lord, Lord Light Yagami," Mello announced in a very polite and respectful tone. (It was really unlike him...)

"Well tell Lord Light that I accept his gift happily," the king said in return, giving Mello a small smile as the cat left.

Once Mello was gone, Princess L walked into the room, confused.

"Why the hell was that cat wearing boots?" L asked.

"I have no idea..." the king muttered, handing the two rabbits over to L. "Here, have these two bunnies."

"O-okay..." L stuttered, taking the two rabbits back to his room and putting them in a roomy cage. He named one of them Rabbit A, and the other Rabbit B. Then, on second thought, he named them Mr. Bunny and Mrs. Bunny and ordered one of the castle maids to take care of them.

Mello continued to bring the king gifts once a week for a month or so, all in the name of the great Lord Light. The king was greatly please by this each time. (Though L still only took care of the first two bunnies. The other animals...Got to see the marvelous kitchen of the castle...They also kept the chefs company during cooking time. Though they were worried that the hair would get in the food, the pets were too cute to get rid of.)

Then, one day, Mello went back to see Light and announced that it was now time for phase two of his devious little plot.

"Alright then," Light agreed without hesitation. "What's phase two?"

"You go take a bath in the river I tell you to and then just follow my lead," Mello explained, strolling off towards the river.

"Eww! A river? But there might be slugs or dirt or something icky in there!" Light protested, sticking out his tongue in disgust.

"Stop whining and take it like a man!" Mello yelled back at him.

"But I'm a teenager!"

"I don't care! Stop whining!"

So Light shut up and did as he was told, folding up his clothes and leaving the by a nearby tree before jumping into the river. He shivered instantly.

"The water's cold!" he complained.

Mello shrugged. "You'll get used to it," he said as he took Light's clothes and ran off, hiding them somewhere else. Light was about to argue, but remembered that this was all part of Mello's plan, and he should go along if he wanted to keep his face intact.

Exactly as Mello had predicted, the king's coach rode by at that moment, so the cat dashed up and yelled at the top of his lungs, "Help! Help! My Lord Light is drowning in the river!"

The king was startled, recognizing that name as the name of the person who had given him all those gifts. Immediately, he sent two of his guards to go rescue Light.

"By the way," Mello continued. "Some cruel thieves plundered my Lord Light's clothing. Would you happen to have any spare clothes?"

As it turned out, the king did have a spare outfit with him. So when the guards returned to the coach with Light (who wasn't wearing anything), he was given those clothes. He quickly changed, and as he did so was invited to join the king and the princess on their ride.

Light hastily agreed, hopping into the back seat where Princess L sat with his two rabbits on his lap.

"I completely agree, Mrs. Bunny," L said to the rabbit as Light entered, leaving everyone else totally confused.

Meanwhile, Mello ran ahead of the carriage to speak with the workers in the fields ahead. Within moments, he had persuaded (threatened) them into saying exactly what he told them to.

When they came upon the fields, Mello scurried back and proclaimed, "These are the wondrous fields that belong to none other than the great Lord Light!"

The king, curious, stopped the coach and asked on of the workers, "Who do these fields belong to?"

"They belong to the great Lord Light, your majesty!" the worker replied, exactly as he had been instructed to.

This continued for a couple fields past this. Mello would proclaim the fields to be Light's, the king would question a worker, and that worker would say that the field belonged to 'the great Lord Light.'

After the last field had been passed, Mello ran ahead once more to the castle of the giant, Misa. He walked inside and sat down in front of her, a smile on his face.

Misa blinked. "Who are you?"

"I'm Mello," he said, maintaining the smile. "I heard that you can turn into any animal!"

"I can!" Misa said, beaming. "Watch!" And with that, she transformed into a large dog, barking and scaring poor Mello. Then with a snicker, she changed back.

"See?"

"Yes, I see..." Mello muttered, shaking off his surprise. "But can you turn into a mouse? I was told that you could, but I don't buy it."

"Misa-Misa can turn into a mouse! It's easy!" And with that, she transformed into a small mouse. Mello then immediately cast a spell of his own, locking her in that form for eternity.

"Sorry Misa. I need to take your castle," he explained, throwing her outside where she then ran off into the fields.

At that point, the king's coach rode up and all it's passengers exited to see the marvelous castle.

"Why, Lord Light, is this _your_ castle?" the king asked.

Light blinked, then saw Mello nodding 'yes'. "Yes, it is my castle," he answered.

"Let's go inside and feast!"

And so, everyone went into the castle and gobbled up the food that Misa had previously set up for a party with her girl friends.

"Lord Light, you are one awesome guy!" the king exclaimed. "It would be your loss and mine if you didn't marry the princess!"

"Heck yes it would be a loss!" Light proclaimed, turning to stare at L. "Marry me!"

"Sure!" L replied.

And so, the two of them got married and lived in Light's grand castle. Mello was treated as a prince with the best chocolate money could buy. Misa ran off and befriended many mice, and soon became the queen of all mice.

And everyone lived happily every after. (Except for Mr. Bunny and Mrs. Bunny, who got divorced and moved into separate cages.)

A/N: Would you like to know what Mrs. Bunny said that L agreed with? (You don't? Too bad, I'll say it anyway!) She said that Light was sexy. And of course, L agreed. Sadly, it resulted in Mr. Bunny demanding a divorce. T-T It's so sad.


	24. Peter Pan

Rating: T for mild language.

Summary: Peter Pan, Death Note style. L and his brothers are abducted from their home by a flying boy named Light, and have to face off against the evil CAPTAIN KIRA!

Spoilers: Uhh...Matt and Mello appear. That's it.

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note (Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata do) and most of these fairy tales belong to Hans Christian Anderson or the Brothers Grimm. Aka, not me. I also don't own the Pirates of the Caribbean music. (Don't ask.)

Warning: Childish and stupid humor, LxLight, and plenty of OOCness

A/N: Being that yesterday was a holiday and I spent the day at my grandma's, this week's update was moved to Saturday. Which is today. Aren't you excited? (It's okay if you're not.)

I don't really like this one. It sounds weird to me. And it's not yaoi-riffic enough. T-T I apologize in advance. I hoep it doesn't suck too much or anything.

BY THE WAY...There may or may not be an update next week, and there definitely will not be an update the week after next week. Why? Because next Friday I leave for vacation, and I may or may not procrastinate things and not have time for it, and the Friday after that I'll still be on vacation. I'll resume when I get back though, which should be after that Friday. Have no fear!

For now, just enjoy these letters that I strategically placed in a senseless order in order to produce fanfiction-ness.

* * *

A short, short time ago in a galaxy not-so-far, far away...

There lived a mother who had three children, two boys and a daughter...

Actually, scratch that. She has three boys. They were named Matt, Mello, and L. And they all lived happily together like the perfect family that you see on TV. (Except you don't see the perfect families in TV much, since the dysfunctional ones are more funny.)

One night, as all the boys were sleeping in their beds (excluding L, who was just sitting there, awake) a strange figure flew in through the window. L blinked, staring at the boy who had just flown into their house in a very illogical way.

"Who are you?" he asked, speaking loud enough to wake up Matt and Mello.

"I'm Light!" he exclaimed, laughing in his odd little green costume. "I've come to whisk you all away to a land where kids never have to grow up and you can play all day!"

"Sounds pretty good to me," Mello muttered, just waking up. Matt yawned, and rubbed at his eyes.

"Sounds like kidnaping to me..." L muttered bitterly. Nonetheless, Light flew through the room and practically dragged all three boys out of their beds and out the window.

"We're on the third floor!" L exclaimed. "What is Light-kun thinking?!"

"We can fly!" Light exclaimed, letting them go. For no apparent reason, all three boys were able to float in midair.

"..." L remained speechless as he, Matt, and Mello flew along after Light.

However, Light's fairy sidekick, Misa-Bell, had become jealous of L's good looks (she knows a hot guy when she sees one) and worried that her crush, Light, might fall for him. So in order to keep Light from falling in love with L, she flew ahead to find the crew of small boys that Light was leading and warned them that the black-haired guy that Light was flying with was secretly a crow.

The children freaked out, and when they saw flying towards them, one of them shot an arrow at the 'crow'.

Sadly, the arrow hit L in the arm and he plummeted to the ground, Light diving to the ground after him. (Light's falling for him after all. Take that, Misa!)

Light managed to catch L (In a totally sexy and romantic fashion) before he hit the ground. Everything turned out okay. Well, aside from the fact that L had an arrow in his arm. Which Light noticed just then.

"OH MY GOSH!" he exclaimed, totally in shock. "Quick! Everyone! Build an entire house just for L so that we can take care of him!"

L blinked. "Wha–?" But before he could say anything more, all the boys had scrambled about and begun to find the supplies to build L his very own house. It took a while, but soon they had a miniature house. They practically tossed L inside and onto the bed to that he could recuperate.

"I will sit outside the door and wait until you're all better!" Light proclaimed valiantly, plopping down in front of the front door.

"It's an arrow wound!" L yelled from within. "It doesn't heal quickly! Just get me some bandages or something!"

At that, Light finally woke up and flew off to retrieve a first aid kit. Thankfully, the nearby StrawMart was having a clearance sale on first aid to make room for more straw, so Light was able to get the bandages and healing stuff there.

He flew as fast as he could (which was pretty fast) and brought the stuff to L. In about ten minutes or so, L's arm had been all bandaged up. Misa-Bell sat around and pouted the entire time, upset that he plan had failed.

When L's wound was wrapped up and he was feeling better, He immediately grabbed Mello and Matt, proclaiming that they were going to go home. Light pleaded that they stay, but L openly refused. (Matt and Mello stayed quiet, as the script told them to.)

Light stopped, appearing sad as L walked off with his brothers. But after a couple minutes, he stealthily chased after them.

Little did he know, the evil CAPTAIN KIRA (who isn't a cannibal) was out to get him. He sailed over in his magic ship (of death) and kidnaped all of the little boys there! Oh no!

Then, as a double whammy, he flew forward silently (as silently as a giant magic ship could) and passed up Light, instead sailing onwards to sail next to L, Matt, and Mello.

"Hello! I'm the evil Kira!" he announced. "I'm going to kidnap you, so get into the ship."

"Does everyone around here kidnap children?" L asked, sounding bored.

Kira blinked. "Noooooo...Just get on the ship!"

"No, I don't think I will."

"Oh you will," came Mello's voice from behind him. Confused, both L and Kira turned to look to see Mello glaring at L. "You're going to get on that damn ship and be kidnaped so that the plot can continue or there will be consequences. Dire consequences."

L paused, then nodded and hopped aboard without a word. Mello smirked and dragged Matt along for the ride. They were all forced down into the 'dungeon' area (which really looked more like some normal rooms just with the door locked) and left there.

However, Misa-Bell had flown ahead and seen the entire thing. Being completely devoted to her dear Light (even though she hated L), she sped back to tell him what had happened.

"LIGHT!" she screeched, hovering right in his face.

"What?" Light asked, panicked. (And also a bit annoyed from her loud, high-pitched shrieking.)

And Misa proceeded to tell him exactly what happened, talking at an insane speed so that Light could barely understand a word she was saying. Luckily, he was used to her frantic speech, and understood what she was saying.

"L's been kidnaped?" Light gasped. "TO THE RESCUE!" He ran back to the camp quickly, grabbing a sheet off of a bed and tying it around his neck as a flowing cape before flying off to save the day!

The giant magical ship wasn't hard to spot, and Light was soon on the right track. But along the way, he spotted a ticking alligator, ticking like it always did. A genius idea popped into his head at that moment: He could scare away annoying girls if he could tick like that alligator! He stopped for a moment, memorizing how the alligator ticked and easily managing to mimic it.

He didn't notice that he had continued ticking even while approaching the ship until all of the crew members flew into a panic, screaming something about an alligator coming to kill them all.

Light grinned, realizing that this was the perfect distraction. He snuck in, pickpocketed the keys from one of the pirates, and snuck into the area where the prisoner's were being kept. He quickly unlocked all the doors and released everyone, though he was especially happy to see L.

"Yay! You're safe!" he exclaimed, pulling L into a hug.

"I was kidnaped twice by two different people in the same night, But I'm safe," L replied, hugging Light back.

Everyone ran upstairs to find that all the pirates had jumped ship except for the notorious CAPTAIN KIRA!

"You will not win! L will be mine!" Kira exclaimed dramatically.

"NEVER!" Light yelled back. The two of them dramatically snatched two discarded swords off the ground and began to duel, the Pirates of the Caribbean theme played in the background.

L, Matt, and Mello watched in amazement as the two battled.

"I don't see how girls think that having boys fight over them is appealing," L commented, chewing on his thumb.

"Agreed," Mello and Matt both nodded.

The duel continued fiercely, But ended when Light managed to force Kira to the edge of the ship where the ticking alligator waited and knocked the sword out of the captain's hand.

"This is no fair!" Kira protested. "This is madness!"

"Madness?" Light inquired dramatically. He glanced back to L, Mello, and Matt. Mello nodded, but L simply sighed. Light shrugged, then turned back to Kira and yelled dramatically,

"This is NEVERLAND!"

Then he kicked Kira in the stomach, causing him to fall backwards and down to the waiting alligator. (This kick happened in slow motion, by the way.)

"I will be back!" Kira yelled as he swam away from the alligator in a very cartoon-like finale.

Light grinned and turned to L. "Since I won, I get to marry you!"

L shrugged and smiled. Being married to Light couldn't be all that bad. (As long as Misa would refrain from any attempts on his life) "All right then."

And so, L and Light got married and lived together in Neverland. Kira built himself a castle and lived in it, plotting Light's downfall. Misa went to live with Kira, since Light didn't like her. Mello and Matt went back home and lived happy lives.

And (almost) everyone lived happily ever after.

* * *

A/N: I don't know much about Peter Pan, so I did an online search, read up on the basics, then screwed with the storyline in my own special way. I don't really like this one much though. T-T It's not yaoi-riffic enough.

...Yelling 'CAPTAIN KIRA' like that made me think of Captain Planet. XD


	25. Triple Tales

Rating: T for the D-word, the H-word, and some other stuff.

Summary: The kids at Wammy's want to hear some fairy tales before bed, and who better to convince to do so than the world's greatest detective?

Spoilers: Uhh...Spoilers for where L lives? Sort of? Matt, Mello, and Near appear too. I'm pretty sure that's it...

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note (Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata do) and most of these fairy tales belong to Hans Christian Anderson or the Brothers Grimm. Aka, not me. And I don't own Pokemon either. (You'll find out soon enough...)

Oh, and since I think I forgot to mention it last chapter, I don't own any of the movie quotes/jokes and stuff.

Warning: Childish and stupid humor, LxLight, and plenty of OOCness

A/N: I'm back from vacation! And to make up for my disappearance, I put three of the shorter stories into one long chapter! There's The Matchstick Girl, The Lindwyrm, and the Village That Kept Their Hearts in Boxes. (And thanks to the Book Fairy for the anonymous review with the stories of the Lindwyrm and the Village.)

So...Here it is!

* * *

"L! L!" a small girl yelled out, dashing forward and latching onto the great detective's leg. L glanced down curiously, seeing that a whole group of kids had followed her. He recognized nearly all of them, including Matt, Mello, and Near.

"What is it?" he asked. He knew the children of Wammy's (where he was currently visiting with Light and Watari) respected him a lot, but they had a certain look in their eyes. One that meant they were going to ask for something. "It's a little late, isn't it? You should all be in bed."

"But L!" the girl continued, hugging his leg even tighter. "We want you to read us a bedtime story!"

Before L could even open his mouth to protest, one of the other kids yelled out, "And we won't go to bed until you do!"

Sighing, the world's greatest detective shuffled off towards the living room and began to search the bookshelves for a nice, short story. A dozen small voices cheered out at this, and L shook his head. He probably shouldn't be giving in, but it would be the easiest way to get them all to bed. If twelve kids refused to go to bed without a story, he didn't have much of a choice in the matter. It would take all night to get them all in bed without one.

He eventually settled on a book of fairy tales, carefully removing it from the shelf and taking a seat on the sofa. All of the kids crowded around, taking a seat on the floor in front of him. They stared up with expectant eyes and waited for L to begin.

"The Matchstick Girl," L started, reciting the title of the story, before starting the tale.

"Once upon a time...

There was a small girl named L..."

L paused, as some of the kids snickered. He decided this could be blamed on Light, who had been digging around the bookshelf before and spending a lot of time in the living room. Making a mental note to put Light in a dress as revenge, L continued with the story.

"It was a cold winter day, and poor L was stuck outside with no jacket, no hat, and no shoes. He shivered as he walked forward, carrying a small bag full of matches. He was supposed to sell them, but he hadn't had any luck. (Apparently people had their own matches, and things called lighters. Matches weren't exactly the best door-to-door sales product.)

He finally settled down for a rest in between two houses, inhaling the scent of a warm meal. It was new years eve, so most people were celebrating. Sadly, that didn't include L.

He sighed and leaned back against the wall, bringing his knees to his chest in an effort to warm himself. He glanced as his small bag of matches, then thought, _'I think lighting just one wouldn't be too bad. It's better than freezing to death.' _(Famous last words: 'I'll only do it once. What's the worst that could happen?')

So he picked one of the matches out of the bag and struck it against the wall. The tip immediately burst into a bright flame, and L smile at how warm it felt. He could actually feel his fingers! It almost felt as though he were sitting in front of a nice fireplace! Just as he was stretching his feet out to warm them up as well, the match burned out and he was left along in the cold dark.

"...Well, that's disappointing," he mumbled sadly, tossing the dead match off to the side and huddling up again.

He had been sitting for a couple minutes when he heard a small voice to his right.

"Light another one!" Mello the amazing plot fairy whispered. He rubbed his shoulders, shivering and glaring at L. "Hurry up! I'm freezing over here!"

L blinked. He was sure he must be hallucinating, but why not talk to the little fairy? Even if it was a figment of his imagination, it was better than nothing.

"No. I need to sell these matches to buy food," L explained, clutching the matches closer. (Just to be on the safe side. He didn't know how dangerous Mello might be.)

"Earth to L!" Mello hissed, knocking on L's head a couple times. "No one's _buying_ the dumb matches!"

"But they might!" L protested, knowing that he was fighting a losing battle.

"They won't! I run the entire plot here! I think I know what's going to happen!" the fairy snarled. "Now keep lighting matches before you turn into an L-sicle and all the fangirls start to eat you."

And with that, Mello vanished into thin air and L was alone once more. The child blinked, then decided to take the fairy's advice and lit up another match.

This time, as the fire glowed, he could see through the wall in front of him and see the lovely table set in the family's kitchen. L nearly drooled, but he was shocked when the cooked turkey on the table suddenly stood up. It grabbed a fork and knife off the table and began to waddle over to the freezing child.

"I'm _definitely_ hallucinating," L said to himself. And as if on cue, the match burned out and the turkey and room vanished. L let out a sigh of relief, then decided to strike another match. (A lit match a day keeps the plot fairy away...)

This time, as the fire blazed, he could see a giant Christmas tree in front of him. There were lots of shining ornaments, and even some presents. L gaped at the marvelous display before him, before remembering that he was just hallucinating.

"...Darn..." he mumbled sadly.

At that moment, the match went out and L was back in the cold, dark, lonely alleyway again. (Did I mention that it was cold?) He shivered, then lit another match.

This time, he was faced with an amazing sight: His grandfather (who was actually dead, hence the fact that this was a _hallucination_.) Watari was standing before him.

"Watari!" L gasped, leaping forward to hug his grandfather. Watari smiled, and hugged L back in a touching family scene that made the audience go 'Awwwwww!' in unison.

But then L remembered the match, and realized that Watari would disappear once the match went out. Even if it was just a hallucination, L didn't particularly want this hallucination to end.

So he snatched up the rest of the matches and began lighting a whole bunch of them, content that Watari would stay.

But-"

"**Wait!"** screamed one of the children. L immediately stopped reading, and everyone turned to stare at the child who'd yelled.

"This story has a sad ending!" she whimpered, nearly bursting into tears.

L glanced down at the book and quickly read through the rest of the story. "It does..." He glanced over at her, confused. "What's the problem?"

"I don't like sad endings!" the child explained with a sad frown on her face. "Change the ending so it's happy!"

"...Okay..." L stopped for a moment and stared at the ceiling, improvising. After a minute or so, he resumed his storytelling.

"But eventually, the matches burned out and left L sad and alone once more. He sighed, disappointed. He'd lit every match to keep Watari around longer, so now he was stuck in the freezing cold...

But suddenly, a voice to his left asked him,

"What are you doing out here?"

L looked over towards the source of the sound to see an incredibly sexy man with awesome hair and a big jacket.

"...Hallucinating..." L answered, wondering if this was another hallucination. But he didn't have any matches.

Light grimaced. "That can't be good," he said. "Come on. We can go back to my house where it's warm." His face suddenly lit up. "And we can get married too!"

"Sure!" L exclaimed happily, following Light back to his house.

And they lived happily ever after.

"The end," L finished, closing the book. All the kids cheered, but then protested when he tried to stand up.

"Nooooo!" they all complained, pushing him back down onto the sofa.

"Read us another story!" one of the boys proclaimed.

L grimaced, and turned to Mello, Matt, and Near for assistance. Mello smirked, Matt shook his head, and Near only shrugged.

"Another story, L," Near ordered, taking his seat on the carpet.

"...Fine..." L sighed.

At that moment, Light decided to make his appearance.

"L! Why aren't you in bed!" he whined, much like the children had whined for another story. "It's nine o'clock already! I don't want you to wake me up when you come in the room!"

"Light-kun is very childish and immature. How Kira-like of him," L commented, ignoring Light's glare of extreme unhappiness. "Perhaps Light-kun would like to read the next story."

"I don't want to read a story!" Light complained. "I want to go to bed!!"

"Read the damn story, Yagami!" Mello yelled, snatching the book away from L and throwing it to Light. "Read the story unless you want your vital organs removed by a bunch of small children!"

Light gulped, then took a seat next to L on the couch. He flipped the book open to the joyful yells of many children, and picked a story at random.

"The Lindwyrm," he started, frowning. "What's a lindwyrm?"

"I don't know, but the beginning of it's name reminds me of Lind L. Taylor," L mused, shrugging.

Light rolled his eyes, then went back to reading.

"Once upon a time..."

"Do all fairy tales start like that?" one of the kids interrupted.

"No. Now be quiet. I'm reading," Light snapped. The child immediately shut his mouth, and motioned for Light to continue.

"Once upon a time...

There was a giant worm/dragon/Pokemon thing with invincible armor and lots of sharp spikes (but only a few dull ones) and some sharp teeth (and just a couple broken ones) and very sharp claws (kept sharp with a fancy and expensive claw filer.)

It lived in a very nice town that became not-very-nice when the lindwyrm moved in. Why? I'll tell you why.

Because the lindwyrm declared himself the king of the land, then announced that he needed a queen. So every night for twenty-nine nights a pretty girl would be brought up to his castle. But none of them proved worthy to him, and they were all eaten.

The townspeople all mourned the loss of so many fair maidens, and tried to figure out a way to prevent more girls from being devoured. At last, the town fool, Matsuda, came up with a solution.

"Hey..." he spoke up. "Since the lindwyrm is turning down all these girls...Maybe we should send up a boy!"

The town was silent for a moment, before someone exclaimed,

"That's so crazy it just might work!"

"Yeah! Maybe the king swings the other way!"

"But who should we send up?"

Everyone paused at the question, pondering.

"It would have to be someone smart..."

"And hot!"

"And tricky..."

"And HOT!"

"And able to solve any problem..."

"AND HOT!!"

At once, everyone turned towards the town genius, L, who had been reading a book at the time. But he looked up when he felt everyone's eyes on him.

"...What?"

The next day, L was walking up to the castle, grumbling and messing with the dress he had been forced into wearing. It was horribly uncomfortable. (And the lace definitely wasn't helping.)

He reached the door and hesitantly knocked on it, waiting for an answer. Moments later, the door was opened to reveal the horribly hideous lindwyrm, who then motioned L inside.

"Wow, the town really went overboard this time!" the lindwyrm exclaimed. "You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen!"

"I'm not a girl," L said, hoping that it wouldn't get him killed.

Light blinked, surprised. "...I still think you're hot,"

"That's good."

Light lead the way to the main room, before turning back to face L. He would do the exact same thing he'd done with the other girls.

"Alright, take off your dress."

L froze. "...What?"

"You heard me!" Light pouted with a smirk.

"Why?" protested L, folding his arms over his dress covered chest.

"Because. If I deem you unworthy, which is unlikely considering your hotness, then I'm going to eat you. And as hot as you look in that dress, I don't particularly want to eat your dress."

"Oh..." L said. Even though he'd been expecting the statement (since they'd sent a spy to the castle before to eavesdrop on that the lindwyrm said to the girls), it was still a little strange to have it said to him.

"I don't know..." L mumbled, looking down at his nice dress. "I'm rather fond of this dress...I don't think I want to leave it behind..."

"Well you have to!" Light protested, already drooling at the image of an undressed L in his mind.

"I guess I will...On one condition," L said. Light nodded, eagerly accepting even though he didn't know the condition. "I will take off my dress, if you, Mister Lindwyrm, will remove a layer of your scales."

"It's Light, actually. And sure!" With that, the lindwyrm, Light, peeled off the first layer of his invincible scales, then waited for L to remove his dress.

L held back a smirk as he pulled of the frilly dress, revealing another dress underneath it. Light gaped, shocked and horribly disappointed. (You'd be disappointed too.)

"But...But..." he stuttered.

"Oh, right..." L said, glancing down at his second dress in fake realization. "I suppose I will have to take this dress off as well. And Light-kun will have to remove another layer of his armor."

Light frowned, but shrugged out of another layer of scales. There was nothing he wouldn't give at this point to see L without a dress on.

But when L took off the second dress, Light was disappointed to see that L was wearing yet another dress.

Things repeated like that until L had removed all twelve of the dresses he had been wearing and stood in only his usual attire of a white shirt and jeans. He stood confidently as Light removed his last layer of scales.

Then, L was shocked to see an incredibly handsome and sexy prince standing before him instead of the hideous lindwyrm. Said prince was not wearing any clothing, but had a bright smile on his face.

"Well? Do you love me? Will you marry me?" Light asked excitedly.

L stared. Then he gaped. The he stared some more, gaped some more, bled from the nose, and promptly passed out.

Light smirked. "I'll take that as a yes."

And so, they got married and ruled the kingdom. And everyone lived happily ever after."

Light sighed. "Finally, the story is over. That was one messed up tale."

"Now, all of you go to bed," L commanded.

"NOOOOO!!" all the children exclaimed at once.

"Third time's the charm!" Matt snickered.

L sighed deeply, then took the book back from Light. "Fine. Only one more short story. But you all have to promise to go to bed after that."

"We promise!" they chorused, sitting down and waiting for L to start.

The detective flipped the pages forward to another story, and read out the title.

"The Village That Kept Their Hearts in Boxes."

"Boy, I wonder what a heart attack is like for them..." Light muttered to himself.

"Once upon a time," L began.

"You said not all fairy tales start with that!" one of the children shouted out.

"Well, this one does start with that," L said, rolling his eyes before continuing the story.

"Once upon a time...

There was a strange village that kept their hearts in small boxes. A lot of people decorated their boxes with ribbons and stuff, and everyone took good care of their hearts.

There was one person in the town whose heart was completely perfect, without a scratch on it. Light's heart was perfect, and he was totally vain because of it. (Totally, dude.)

One day, he met a very hot man named L, and the two became instant friends. They talked all the time, and enjoyed each other's company.

But one time, when Light was over at L's house and L had left the room, Light began to rummage through L's stuff. (He's so sexy and awesome the rules don't apply to him.) And he found the box containing L's heart. Curious, he opened it up and saw that L's heart was one of the most broken up and ugly-looking heart he'd ever seen.

L returned just then, and Light pointed and laughed.

"Ha! You're heart is all messed up! Mine is so much prettier than yours!" Light mocked, not even noticing that his friend was now frowning.

"Yes, but that's because Light-kun has never cared about anyone," L pointed out with a sharp glare. Light immediately stopped laughing, and L resumed speaking. "I care about a lot of people, and they care for me. I leave a piece of my heart with them, and they leave a piece of theirs with me."

Light blinked. "So...It's like a trading card game? Or those little necklaces where one says 'best' and one says 'friends'?"

"Yes, only more important," L said with a small nod. But he was instantly serious again. "Since Light-kun is so mean, I'm just going to leave and go off to some unknown place. Good bye, Light-kun."

And with that, L turned away and left, leaving Light all alone.

Light slumped to the floor, upset. "How could I have said something so mean? Now my best friend and possible lover is gone..." Because of his sadness, his heart split in two, right down the center.

But Light was determined, and he stood up once more with a new fire in his eyes. "I'm going to go find him and marry him!"

And so, Light left to find his love so they could make up. (And make out, preferably in a broom closet.)

The end."

And with that, L slammed the book shut and turned to all the kids in front of him.

"...That's it?" Near asked, surprised.

"What the hell kind of ending is that??" Mello fumed, storming out of the room and to his bed. The rest of the kids followed, grumbling about how awful the ending was.

L and Light both stood up and headed back to their own bedroom. On the way, Light asked,

"So, L, would you take off your clothes?"

L smirked. "Only if you will too, Light-kun. Only if you will too."

* * *

A/N: The end. Finally. That certainly took a while. XD

L-sicles, they're L-riffic! Buy some today!

(Note: I'm fairly sure that L-sicles don't actually exist. If they do...Tell me where I can buy some.)


	26. Godfather Death

Rating: T for something or other...

Summary: Godfather Death, Death Note style. Misa has the most interesting godfather of them all: Death himself!

Spoilers: Uhhhhh...Mello appears, and he's got the job he's got in the Death Note series. (If it can even be considered a job.) But that's...sort of...it...Yeah...

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note (Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata do) and most of these fairy tales belong to Hans Christian Anderson or the Brothers Grimm. Aka, not me.

Warning: Childish and stupid humor, LxLight, and plenty of OOCness. Oh, also, I don't really know what a godfather is supposed to do, so forgive me if I make a mistake somehow, please. T-T

A/N: First off, I am completely aware that I changed the beginning. The 'town leader' is God in the story and the 'mafia leader' is the devil. But I'm fairly religious, so I didn't want to cast a Death Note character as God. Little improvisation there. Please deal with it.

Secondly, I give thanks to Moonlight-is-Innocence for giving me the link to this story. I read it, and loved it. Had to write it. So thanks!! You get an imaginary virtual cookie!

And...And...I think that's all I have to say...

* * *

Once upon a conveniently placed plot-line...

There was a poor man who had twelve children, and he had to take care of all of them. (No wonder he's poor.) So when he had a thirteenth kid (Does he have no self control?), he ran around to find a godfather for the child.

The first person he ran into was the leader of the land, Mikami Teru. Mikami stopped the man, and said, "I feel bad that you have so many kids and no enough money to take care of them. I'll be your kid's godfather!"

The man paused. "Who are you?"

"I'm Mikami, the leader of the land," answered Mikami.

But the man simply waved him off. "I won't let you be my child's godfather. You let the rich live in wealth and let the poor starve. You're not worthy."

And so, the man left a very dejected Mikami in the street and continued on to find a godfather for his baby girl.

The next person he found was Mello, the top man in the underground mafia league of the town. Mello popped out from the dark ally and said, "Let ME be your kid's godfather! I'm Mello, mafia leader dude."

The man blinked. "Why should I let you by my kid's godfather?"

Mello hesitated, thinking. (There aren't that many reasons to hand your child over to Mello.) "Because I'm awesome, and have great hair?"

The man shook his head. "No, you lead people into a life of crime. That's not good."

And so, Mello retreated back into the ally he had appeared from, secretly wearing a smirk on his face. _Exactly as planned._ (Meanwhile, off screen, Light yelled, "HEY! That's MY catchphrase!)

The man continued on, until he spotted a strange figure up ahead dressed in a long black cloak with a hood that covered all of his head and his face.

"Hey!" the man called out, stopping the strange figure in his tracks. (Wow, I'm getting horribly vague.) "Who are you?"

"I'm Death," the figure answered.

The man's face instantly lit up. "Perfect! You can be my child's godfather!"

Death seemed to blink, confused. "What?"

The man immediately gave his explanation. "Everyone is equal in death! You don't make any difference between good and bad people! You're perfect for the job!"

Death hesitated, before agreeing. "Alright, fine. I will make your child be rich and famous, because I'm Death so I can get away with anything."

And so, a week later, Death became the godfather of the man's baby girl. The girl was named Misa, and she was raised well.

When Misa was old enough to get a job, her godfather, Death, came to talk to her and give her some advice. He lead her out to the edge of the woods and showed her a small clump of a very special herb.

"Now, Misa-san..." started Death. "You are going to become a very famous physician..."

"But Misa-Misa wants to be a model!" the girl protested sadly.

"Well...Then Misa-san can model in your spare time. It is far more important for her to become a physician. Now, whenever you go visit a sick person, I will be there too. If I stand by the person's head, then you can say that you will be able to heal them. Then you have to give them some of this herb here and they will heal."

"Wow! It's like magic!" Misa exclaimed, plucking a piece of the herb and examining it before popping it into her mouth.

"Yes, magic, sure," Death replied before flicking at her head. "Don't eat the herb. It's for healing."

Misa sniffled a bit, before asking, "So what if you _aren't_ standing by their head?"

"Well, if I'm standing by their feet, then Misa-san has to say that there is nothing on Earth that can keep them alive, and they will belong to me, Death."

Misa frowned. "That's so sad."

Death simply shrugged. "It's far better than wasting medicine on those that can't be saved so that you don't have it for those that can be healed."

Misa nodded agreeing.

"But don't use the healing herb against my will. Or there will be a price to pay," Death warned, before sending her off.

And so, Misa became the world's greatest physician. (A scary thought to all of us readers.) The rumor went about that she only need to look at someone to know if they would be okay or if they were doomed to death. People came form all over the world, bringing her their ill friends and family for her to see.

But one day, the king of the land (King Soichiro, not Mikami. Mikami is the leader, not the king) became very, very sick. Misa was immediately called to see him, and she went happily.

But her cheer immediately dissipated when she saw Death standing at the king's feet. _'Oh no!'_ she thought sadly. _The king is going to die! But...Maybe I can save him. Since Death is my godfather, maybe he'll let me get away with it just this once..._

She decided it was worth a shot, and moved the king around so that Death was instead standing at his head. Then she gave the king some of the herb, and he recovered.

Later, when Misa had left the room, Death confronted her, the anger radiating off him like the delicious scent of fresh pancakes. Except Death's anger was not made of deliciously tasty win like pancakes are. Death's anger was made of hate and...Well, death.

"Misa-san has betrayed me. For that, she will pay," Death threatened, his magical scythe of extreme awesomeness appearing in his hands.

"Oh, can't you forgive Misa-Misa just this one time?" Misa pleaded, giving the most adorable puppy-dog eyes she could muster.

Death sighed, and dismissed his scythe. "Very well. I will let Misa-san get away with it just this once. But she had better not attempt to steal any more people who belong to Death."

Misa nodded quickly, then let out a sigh of relief.

But not much more than a week later, the King's handsome daughter–No, wait, _son_. The King's handsome _son_ fell horribly and terribly ill. The King was frantic, since his son was his only child, and he cried so much that his eyes nearly fell out. (_Nearly_. Not really. Don't get your hopes up.)

In his panic and worry, he declared that anyone who could save him could take his hand in marriage.

Misa decided to take a stab at it, and went to visit the king's son. But upon entering the room, she saw that Death was standing at the prince's feet. But Misa was so mesmerized by Prince Light's insanely sexy beauty (who can blame her), that she tossed all caution to the wind and flipped Light around so Death was standing at his head.

But Death was furious, and immediately dragged her off to the side for one serious scolding. He brought her to a dark room where thousands upon thousands upon thousands of candles burned brightly, some tall and some short. Candles were constantly going out and being lit, so it had an effect similar to a strobe light in a room where the lights were still on.

"What are all the candles for?" Misa asked.

"They're other people's lives. When the candle burns out, they die," Death answered.

Misa gasped, then clapped her hands in excitement. "Can I blow one out? Can I blow one out?"

Death shrugged. "I suppose. Only one, though."

Misa squealed with joy, then dashed around. She picked out a particularly tall candle, and just blew it out with a single blow.

"Who did I kill?" she asked out of curiosity.

Death picked up a nearby clipboard and flipped through the pages for an answer. "Some kid named Naruto. He had a long time to live."

Misa snickered. "Too bad for him."

"You are an evil, evil girl, Misa-san," Death lectured.

"Can I see my candle?" she inquired.

"Certainly."

He lead her down the many rows of candles, then pointed to a small stump of a candle. "That one is Misa-san's candle. Her time is almost up."

"Oh no!" Misa exclaimed. She turned to her godfather with a pleading look. "Will you give me a new one?"

"Well..." Death said, drawing out the word for suspense. "I cannot replace a candle until it has burned out..."

"Then use the short candle to light a tall one, so that one will burn out but I'll still live!" she suggested brightly.

"I suppose..." So Death went and retrieved a new candle from his large cabinet of new candles and brought it over to the desk. He lifted Misa's candle off the table, and was about to light a new one, but then he drew the flame away from the new candle.

Misa watched in confusion as Death put two fingers to his lips and whistled loudly. Moments later, the infamous plot fairy that we all know and love, Mello, appeared.

"You called?"

Death nodded, and held out the candle. "Ice for this burn, Mello?"

The fairy smirked. "Of course." An ice cube appeared from nowhere and fell on the candle, extinguishing it.

Misa's eyes widened, but then closed as she fell over backwards and died. Mello cackled evilly before vanishing, and Death walked up the stairs and back to the real world.

He stood in the room of the prince, Light, and sighed. He tossed his hood back in an extremely hot and dramatic way to reveal ebony hair and black eyes with dark bags underneath.

"Well, that takes care of that," L declared, his lips twitching upwards in a tiny smile.

But he jumped at the sound of a voice behind him asking, "Who are you?"

L turned around and stared at the now awake prince, who was staring at him with a curious expression. "I'm Death," answered L.

"Well, are you the one who healed me?" Light continued.

L hesitated before replying. "In an indirect sort of way, I guess."

Light grinned, then leapt out of bed and tackle-hugged L to the ground. "Marry me!"

L smiled as well. "Of course!"

And so, Light and L got married and ruled their kingdom together. They put Mello in charge of the candles so L could spend all of his time with his beloved husband. And there were no more wars between their kingdom and any other kingdoms. (Because no one wants to attack the kingdom ruled by Death.)

And they all lived happily ever after. (Well, the living people did.)

* * *

A/N: For those of you who knew who Death was before he removed his hood, give yourselves a pat on the back. (Though, it was a little obvious, since L kept referring to Misa as 'Misa-san').

Oh, and I apologize to all Naruto fans. He was the first one who came to mind. (Mini-disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.)

I like this one. But I think it's just because I got to make L be Death. XD


	27. Alice in Wonderland

Summary: Alice in Wonderland, Death Note style. Light is thrown into a strange world, with vanishing cats, smoking caterpillar-like people, insane Hatters, an evil queen, and flamingos.

Spoilers: Umm...Takada, Mello, Matt, Near, and Mikami appear. Oh, and Misa hates Takada. Nothing too serious.

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note (Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata do) and I'm pretty sure Alice in Wonderland was written by Lewis Carroll.

...I am not any of those people. Therefore, I do not own their stories.

Warning: Childish and stupid humor, LxLight, one-sided MisaxLight and plenty of OOCness

A/N: ...Okay, sorry for the lateness. I had a friend stay for a sleepover, so I didn't have the time. But this one turned out really long, so be happy. (Because of the length, I didn't have time to proofread it. Be sad. Wow, I control your emotions! Be scared!)

I kept putting this one off because I wanted to draw some of the characters in their outfits, but I couldn't get Light in the Alice dress to work out, so I gave up. XP How sad.

So...Here it is. Enjoy. Hopefully...I hope it didn't turn out too bad or have a bunch of typos or anything...I'm sorry if it did.

Oh, and thanks to those of you who pointed out my mistake last chapter. XP I went and fixed it up. All better! Thank you!!

And by the way, since I couldn't think of a way to fit their names in there, the White Rabbit is Mikami and the talking doorknob is Near.

* * *

Once upon a time... ( -insert your own witty comment here (Seriously, I'm all out...)- )

There was a young boy sitting by a tree in a very pretty and perfect meadow. He was sitting around, bored out of his mind, and wondering if it would be worth getting up to collect acorns to attract squirrels (he wasn't sure, because the last squirrel he'd found had yelled and cursed at him and shouted something about having a plot to get on with) when he saw the strangest thing. It was even stranger than a talking plot-squirrel!

He saw a strange rabbit. Now, this wasn't your ordinary strange rabbit. This rabbit had black hair all over it's head in some sort of weird hairstyle, and it was wearing a suit and a pair of glasses! Light openly stared, but the rabbit didn't seem to notice, and instead pulled out a pocket watch.

"Oh no! I'm going to be late! The queen will have my head for sure!" he exclaimed, pocking the watch and running off through a rabbit hole.

Light watched the entire ordeal, shocked. And then he noticed that the hole was big enough for him to follow.

"Well, I might as well follow," Light pondered aloud. "It's probably more fun than sitting here."

And without a moment more of thought, he ran forward and hopped down the rabbit hole.

Then he fell.

And fell.

And fell.

Light blinked, watching as the walls passed him by while he plummeted downwards. They were covered in a nice purple wallpaper, and he could see some cupboards on them. He reached out and managed to snag a bowl off of it, but he was upset to find that it was just full of sugar cubes. He didn't really like sweets, so sugar cubes didn't help.

He set the bowl on the next cupboard he passed, because they might spill if he dropped them. And then his fall continued, the time passing by rather uneventfully.

"Wow, this reminds me of a story I read with a really long spiral staircase!" he exclaimed to himself. "Lucky me! At least I don't have to walk!"

He fell for about five more minutes before he finally landed on the floor. To his surprise, he was completely unharmed. But he didn't wonder about that for too long, because he could see the rabbit ahead of him, still running off while saying something about lateness.

Light chased after the rabbit, though he knew he couldn't catch up. The rabbit was just too fast! He burst through a door at the end of the hallway, looking around the room. He spotted the rabbit at the last moment. It was a tough find (like finding Waldo and Carmen Sandiego if they teamed up with the assistance of a pair of invisibility potions) considering the small animal had just shrunk. Light watched as the rabbit escaped through a tiny door.

"Aww!" Light complained, crouching down to get a better look at the miniature door. "It's too small!"

"Or maybe you're just too big," the tiny golden doorknob (that had a face for some reason) retorted.

Light would have gasped at the fact that the doorknob was talking, but after the talking and shrinking rabbit, he'd decided not to question things. Instead, he frowned and asked, "Are you saying I'm fat?"

The doorknob seemed to roll it's tiny eyes. "No, I'm saying you need to be smaller, Mr. Giant."

"Well, maybe YOU just need to be bigger!" Light argued back.

"Look, you can argue with me all day, but you aren't getting any smaller."

Silently admitting defeat, Light turned to investigate the room. There was a bed to his right, a fireplace to his left, and a table in the middle of the room, along with a chair. He spotted a couple bottles on the table, and decided to get a closer look.

One had a blue label, and the other had a red one. Light picked up the one with the red label and closely investigated the label. It said 'DRINK ME' in bold, black, and very plain text. Light shrugged. He was pretty thirsty.

He put the bottle to his lips and took a gulp.. He shivered as it went down, hating the bitter taste it had. But before he knew it, he was shrinking down to a small size. A size that was just right for the door.

Light proudly strolled over to the door and walked through.

"Ha! Who's fat now?" he laughed.

"I never said you were fat," the doorknob muttered, but the door swung shut and the conversation was ended.

Light looked around and found himself in a forest, with plenty of trees and insanely tall mushrooms.

"Wow!" he breathed, looking around. But he was interrupted by a voice from his left.

"Who are you?" asked the nearby caterpillar. The caterpillar had bright red hair, a pair of orange-red goggles, and an odd striped shirt. Light looked closer, and realized that it was not a caterpillar, but a person! The person was sitting on a caterpillar and smoking a cigarette while playing some sort of handheld video game.

"I'm Light," the teen replied. "Who are _you_?"

"Matt," replied the stranger. "What's up?"

"Well..." Light began. "I don't really know where I am."

"Where are you going?"

"..." Light hesitated for a moment at that question. "I don't know..."

Matt folded his arms across his chest and sighed. "How am I supposed to help you then?"

"Umm..." Light desperately clawed around his mind for something he needed help with. His eyes lit up as he thought of something. "Now that I'm through the door, I'd like to be tall again! Being three inches tall is a little pathetic."

"Oh, it's pathetic?" Matt inquired, suddenly angry. He stood up, showing that he was exactly three inches tall.

Light gulped. "I...I didn't mean..."

Matt simply sighed, and jumped off the mushroom, walking away. "One side will make you bigger, and the other side will make you smaller."

'_Other side of what?'_ Light thought to himself.

"The mushroom, duh!" Matt called back.

"You can read my mind?" Light gasped.

Matt smirked. "No, but the look on your face says it all." And with that, he was gone.

Light turned back to the giant mushroom. Shrugging, he took a piece from the right side to try it out. And just in case, he took a piece from the left side as well.

"Here goes..." he mumbled, popping the piece from the right in his mouth. He instantly began to grow taller. Unfortunately, he didn't _stop_ growing. He grew taller, and taller, and taller until he was as tall as a giant mutated beanstalk!

Panicking, he ate the other piece and started to shrink. He had the same problem there, and decided to negate it. He ate some mushroom from the right side and some from the left side at the same time, and soon he had stopped changing size. However, he was stuck at his original size of three inches.

Light sighed. "Oh, great. Now what?"

"Well, you could go and see the Mad Hatter to continue the plotline," came another voice from nowhere. "Or you could stay here and I could start brutally maiming you with a tennis racquet until you get off your lazy butt and go with the story."

Light stared as a strange blonde cat-thing appeared out of nowhere, grinning like a madman.

"I...I think I'll go see the Mad Hatter. Which way is he, Cat-Person?"

"It's Mello," replied the semi-cat. "And just keep walking to your left and you'll find him."

Light nodded and immediately ran off in that direction, fleeing in fear from the terrifying Plot Fairy/Plot Kitty.

After running for a few minutes, he came upon a clearing in the woods where there was a huge table that was set for twenty four people. But there were only two people sitting there. One of them had black hair, dark bags under his eyes, and a strange orange hat with a paper in the band that read '6/10' on his head. The other had black hair that sort of curled on one side, along with a nice gray suit and a pair of rabbit ears.

"Oh, hey!" exclaimed the man with rabbit ears. "I haven't seen you before! I'm Matsuda, the March Hare!"

"L, the Mad Hatter," droned the other.

Light blinked. "I'm Light, the normal human being thrown into your abnormal world." He looked around, searching for anything that might help the plot along. "I'm supposed to advance the plot here. Do you know how?"

Matsuda shook his head. "No idea."

L glanced up from the tea and cake that was sitting in front of him to stare right at Light. "I know."

Light's eyes instantly widened, and his mouth curved into a smile. "Good. How?"

"Why should I tell you?" L said, sipping carefully at his tea before adding six sugar cubes to it.

Light's smile immediately disappeared. "But..."

"I will tell Light-kun, on one condition," L announced. "Light-kun must stay and have tea with us until seven o'clock."

Light glanced at the clock quickly. It read six o'clock. Just an hour. It couldn't be too bad, right?

"Sure," he agreed, taking the open seat between L and Matsuda. He sat for a moment in silences, as L ate his cake and Matsuda simply sat there. Soon, Light was bored, so he tried to start up a conversation. "So why was this open seat here?"

"Well, it's usually the Dormouse's seat, but he's on vacation so it's open," Matsuda explained. L said nothing.

Light nodded, and the silence returned. It was about fifteen more minutes before L spoke up.

"Would Light-kun like me to tell him a riddle, so he has something to think about?"

"Sure!" Light exclaimed, jumping at the chance to have something entertaining on his mind. The hour was turning out to be rather boring so far.

"Very well." The Hatter paused, thinking of which riddle to say. "How are a raven and a writing desk similar?"

Light thought, and thought, and thought. But he couldn't figure it out. He had pondered it for what seemed like a god half-hour before he finally gave up. "I have no idea. What is it."

L calmly too a sip of tea, then glared at the teen. "I asked Light-kun first."

Light's jaw dropped. "You mean you don't know!?"

L rolled his eyes as though it were an obvious fact. "Of course not. I figured if I gave Light-kun an impossible riddle, he would be occupied for a longer amount of time."

Light seethed quietly and looked over to the clock. The house had to have been up by now. But he was shocked by the sight he saw.

"It's still six o'clock!" he exclaimed.

"Oh, yes," L said. "I forgot to mention that. I got into a very unfortunate squabble with Time the other day, and he made it so that it is always six o'clock here. That's why I set the table for so many people. It is eternally Tea Time here." And to make his point, L moved down one seat and started on the cake and tea that were set there. "If Light-kun is looking for a plot advancement, he may want to try going to see the Queen of Hearts."

"And where is this queen?" Light asked through gritted teeth.

L pointed to the area behind him, and Light immediately stormed off in that direction.

He hardly had to walk for two minutes before he arrived upon another clearing. This one had a large throne, and upon it sat a young blonde female in a flowing black and red dress.

"Oh, who are you?" Queen Misa inquired, checking out the incredibly sexy teenager in front of her.

"I'm Light," he answered. "I need to advance the plot."

"Oh, sure!" the girl squealed. "Let me get some tarts and we can chat!"

She sent for a guard (who looked exactly like a card) and sent him off to fetch her tarts from the oven. But the guard soon returned with horrible news.

"Queen Misa! The tarts have gone missing!"

"WHAT??" the queen exclaimed, turning away from her guest. "Call everyone here at once for a trial!"

Within minutes, everyone in the area had been called in for a trial. Even Light was asked to attend. He was totally confused though. She hadn't even done any searches for evidence!

The talking rabbit from before blew a trumpet to silence everyone. "Court is in session!" he announced.

Everyone took their seats while Misa sat up on her throne. She paused, staring up at the sky for a moment while thinking. Then she suddenly pointed to Matt.

"What do you know about the stolen tarts?" she asked, completely serious.

Light wanted to ask if she was completely insane, but decided against it. Being that she was the queen, he didn't really want to risk making her angry and getting kicked out of the kingdom.

"I haven't got a clue," Matt answered, blowing out a cloud of smoke rom his cigarette as he did so.

Misa frowned. "Alright then. I'll blame Takada for it."

Light watched as a girl in the crowd gaped. He would have laughed, but he was a little miffed over the unfair trial.

Misa turned to L, the Hatter, next. (Light snickered under his breath when he saw that L had brought a cup of tea along with him and was drinking it while sitting in his seat. Matsuda was sitting next to him and holding on to a plate of cake that Light guessed belonged to the Hatter.) "Do you know who stole the tarts?"

L shook his head. "No. May I go home now?"

Misa rolled her eyes, but nodded. L silently stood up and left, Matsuda following behind like a lost puppy.

"Alright. Takada it is," the blonde noted, glaring daggers at the woman she was accusing of the crime.

And before Light knew it, the queen's attention was on him. "Light? Do you know?"

Light froze, surprised that he'd asked him. Why would she bother? "No, I just got here. How would I know?"

Misa simply shrugged, then turned to the guard next to her. "I've come to the conclusion that Kiyomi Takada is guilty. Off with her head!"

"What? I didn't do anything!" Takada protested as two of the card guards (Yay! A rhyme!) came over and started to drag her away.

"Wait!" Light exclaimed, causing the guards and Misa to turn to stare at him. "That's not fair! You can't go and cut off her head when you don't have evidence."

If it had been anyone else, Misa would have had their head cut off along with Takada's. But since it was Light, the super-sexy persuasion master, she decided that she would listen to him.

"Very well..." she mumbled disappointedly. "Cut off her left big toe instead."

"Nooo! Not my left big toe!" Takada screamed as she was pulled away.

Misa then immediately turned back to Light, who looked thoroughly creeped out. "Light! Wanna play croquet?"

Normally, Light would have accepted. But when Misa held up a flamingo and an armdillo that were very much alive, he decided that this wasn't a normal situation.

"Oh forget this!" he exclaimed. "You're all nutcases! I'm going back to have tea with the Mad Hatter!"

And with that, he stomped off back towards the Hatter's place, ignoring Misa's cries for him to come back.

Soon, he was back at the Mad Hatter's giant table. Everything was exactly the same as he'd left it, except that L had moved down a seat and begun on another cup of tea while Matsuda had left to make some more cake and tea.

"Hey," Light greeted, taking a seat next to the odd Hatter.

"Oh, hello Light-kun," L replied. "By the way, I just spoke with Mello the Plot Kitty..."

Light gulped. That _couldn't_ be good.

"And he said that he forgot a vital part of the plot. You're supposed to wear this dress," L said calmly, holding out a light blue (and frilly) Alice dress.

Light screamed, screamed at the top of his lungs.

And that was when he woke up. Right in the very meadow he first saw the talking rabbit in.

"Phew! That was one weird dream!" Light sighed, leaning back against the tree.

"I'll say,"

Light's immediately sat up at the sound of a familiar voice to his left. His head whipped to the side.

"Light-kun still has to wear the dress. It's part of the plot," L droned, holding out the dress once again.

Light screamed. (Once again.)

And then he woke up. (Once again.) Only this time he was in his normal room in his normal bed within the normal headquarters. He let out a long sigh of relief. He was back to the real world. And while being in the real world meant he was handcuffed to that weirdo, L, he much preferred the real world to his dream world.

"Light-kun, guess what?" L said, sounding a little excited.

Light turned to see what the big deal was (after all, he was sure that L had murdered his own emotions and thrown them down into the well like a small golden ball, though there was no frog prince to rescue them) and saw L. In a Mad Hatter hat.

"Does Light-kun like my hat?" the detective inquired, pointing to the strange hat on his head. "I had Watari order it for me."

Light's mouth dropped open as he just plain out stared.

"I got Light-kun something too!" L continued, reaching into a nearby shopping bag.

Light didn't even stay long enough for L to find the thing. He somehow managed to turn his fear into strength and break the handcuff chain, and then ran as fast as he could out of the room, screaming as loud as he could all the way.

L sat in the room, looking like a kicked puppy. "I guess Light-kun does not want his Micky Mouse ears, then?"

* * *

A/N: Aw. I feel sorry for L. T-T He just wanted to give Light the adorable Micky Mouse ears.

Mini-Disclaimer: I do not own Micky Mouse, though I do own a pair of Micky Mouse ears.

...They have a little wizard hat on them. So cute! :3


	28. King Midas

Summary: King Midas and the Golden Touch (or something like that), Death Note style. King Midas wanted to turn everything to gold, but King Mello won't follow that road. He's got a much better idea.

Spoilers: Uhhhhhhhhh...Matt, Mello, and Near appear. That's it, sort of.

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note (Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata do) and most of these fairy tales belong to Hans Christian Anderson or the Brothers Grimm. Aka, not me.

Warning: Childish and stupid humor, LxLight, MattxMello, and plenty of OOCness

A/N: I'm not sure if this actually counts as a fairy tale, but whatever. I like this story.

It didn't quite turn out right, though...I'm a little sad with it...It feels like it could be better, but I can't think well enough to come up with anything witty. I'm sorry if it's bad.

* * *

Once upon a time...

There was a place. And that place had some people. And those people did stuff. But our story isn't about that place with it's people and their stuff. This story is about an area with it's occupants who performed many tasks within their busy day. By now, I'm sure you know exactly which story I'm talking about.

...You don't? Oh. And here I thought I could get away with being lazy...

Well, whatever...

There was once a wonderful kingdom with many prosperous people ruled by their almighty king. Who is this great king of supreme awesomeness, you may ask? It's not Soichiro, it's not L, it's not Light...

It is none other than the great and totally awesome MELLO!

King Mello ruled over the land along with his co-king, Matt. Everything ran smoothly, and there were no problems whatsoever.

...No, really. I'm totally serious. Dead serious. I'm not sarcastic here.

One day, Old Man Jim was off drinking, and he got so drunk that he didn't know where he was going. He accidently stumbled into the king's garden of roses (Mello liked roses. It was fun to poke people with the thorns) and promptly passed out in the middle of the pathway.

It just so happened that Mello and Matt were taking a stroll through the gardens, and noticed the fallen man in their path.

"An unconscious guy!" Mello exclaimed, pointing. "Let's kick him and dump ice on him!"

"No, Mello!" exclaimed Matt. "That's a defenseless old man! You can't hurt defenseless old men! Just like you can't hit girls!"

Mello sighed, disappointed. He had really been looking forward to the ice part, even if the guy wasn't burned. "Fine. What should we do with him?"

Matt shrugged, replying, "I dunno. Bring him inside and into the guest room so he can sleep it off and get home without being run over by a giant pick-up truck so that the epic scene can be replayed three times from different angles to put emphasis on the epic-ness?"

"Sure."

So they both took hold of one of the old man's arms and dragged him all the way to the guest room. They let him sleep in peace for the night, and he awoke in the morning with an awful headache.

They sent him off while wishing him a good day before walking back inside. Matt had just started a conversation about his newest game when a loud _CLANK_ resounded from above. Both men glanced up to see a chestnut-haired teenaged being lowered down with a cable while wearing a frilly red dress and a pair of fake wings. (Oh, and if your imagination can handle it, there's also a sparkly tiara. You're jealous, I can tell.)

Mello and Matt instantly burst out laughing, pointing at poor Light. "HA! See, this is why they hired _me_ to do the fairy business!" exclaimed Mello.

Light scoffed, glaring at the blonde. "Well, you're the king, so you weren't available. _Someone_ had to play the wish-granter."

"Well, they should have picked anyone but you," Matt commented. "I mean, seriously. A cable?"

"Can you hurry it up?" L yelled from offstage, struggling to hang on to the cable. "I can't suspend Light-kun in mid-air forever!"

"Are you calling me fat?" Light screeched, turning to focus his glare of doom on L. "That's so mean!"

"I never said Light-kun was fat!" L argued back! "Go back to the script conversation!"

Light rolled his eyes, then cleared his throat. "Alright then...Greetings, King Mello! Due to your kind acts–"

"I get rewarded?" Mello exclaimed happily. "Ha! Score! Mello one, Near ZERO!"

"Shut up!" Light shouted, silencing the king. "You get one wish."

Mello hesitated, thinking for a moment while Matt and Light conversed.

"I helped out too. Don't I get a reward?"

"No, you're not a vital part of the story. Sorry, Matt."

"Oh well. It's fine."

"I'VE GOT IT!" Mello yelled suddenly, surprising both the fairy and the co-king. "I wish Near would be eaten by a cannibal named Kira!"

"HEY!" protested Kira. "That's rude! I'll have you know, I haven't been a cannibal for nine chapters now!"

"Psh. What EVER," Mello said, rolling his eyes. "Just grant my wish, Light."

But Light shook his head. "No, that's not part of the storyline. You're a plot fairy. Follow the rules you keep preaching at us!"

"I make my own rules, Yagami! Cannibal! Now!" Mello growled.

Matt put a comforting hand on his friend's shoulder. "Chill, Mello. Isn't there anything better you can think of?"

Mello shook his head. "Nope. The story says I'm supposed to ask to turn everything I touch to gold, but that's just stupid."

"Then improvise. Think of something better."

Silence fell across the room while Mello thought. Everyone waited patiently (except for L, who waited impatiently for Mello to make up his mind so he could let go of the cable) for the king to finish.

Finally, Mello's eyes lit up and he snapped his fingers, exclaiming, "I've got it!" once again. L let out a sigh of relief while Mello announced his wish.

"I wish that everything I touch would turn to chocolate!"

Light smiled. "That works. What kind of chocolate?"

Mello just shrugged. "Whatever kind suits best, I suppose."

Nodding, Light waved his fanciful wand (complete with glittery sparkles and everything!) and the wish was granted.

"And now I fly away! If you need me, Here's me cell number," Light said, handing Mello a small piece of paper. "Up, up, and AWAY!"

"Oh, NO!" L yelled. "Incredibly sexy as you may be, I am NOT going to pull you all the way back up there!" And with that, he spitefully let go of the cable and stormed off, letting Light fall to the floor with a loud THUMP!

"Ow!" yelled the makeshift fairy. "That hurt! L! L, get back here!"

Mello and Matt both watched as the two disappeared out the door, shaking their heads.

"They fight like a married couple," Mello commented.

"They'll come back wearing wedding rings, I swear it," Matt chuckled, lighting up a smoke. "Go try out your new power."

Mello grinned maniacally at the suggestion, and dashed outside to test it out. He grabbed a rock off the ground and it turned to chocolate in his hand. He promptly gobbled it up before moving on to grab a branch, repeating the process. This continued for about five more random items in nature before Mello decided to return to his castle to celebrate with a feast.

The king and co-king were both seated at the end of a giant table for the celebration, and mountains of food were set upon the table.

Matt poked at the stuff on his plate. He wasn't really that hungry. He'd only come to please Mello. At the thought of his friend and partner, he glanced over to see how Mello was doing.

The blond king was devouring anything he could reach, even though every piece of food turned into chocolate the moment he touched it. Matt noticed with interest that when Mello took a drink from the nearby goblet, the wine turned into chocolate syrup, and the goblet into a fine piece of solid chocolate.

"Hey, Mello..." he said, catching the blonde's attention.

"What?" Mello asked, biting into his chocolate glass.

"Aren't you tired of chocolate?" the redhead inquired. "Maybe you should have wished for something else."

"Are you kidding me?" Mello practically yelled. "Greed and gluttony have never tasted so delicious! This is the best thing that's ever happened to me in my entire life! Well, aside from meeting you. But it's a close second, believe me. There are absolutely no flaws!"

"There's one."

Blinking, Mello froze. "What? What is it? What flaw?"

Matt smirked. "You can't kiss me without turning me into chocolate."

Mello's eyes widened, then softened into a more pensive and thoughtful gaze. "You're right...As delicious as a life-sized chocolate Matt would be, I'd miss you a lot..."

"Wanna call Light and get rid of the power?"

Sighing in defeat, Mello nodded. "I guess. But wait a minute. There's something I want to do."

Matt's eyes narrowed into a glare. "Stay away from Near."

"But he would be a delicious white chocolate treat that I could feed to the homeless in the poorer nations!"

"No."

"Fine..."

And so, they called Light on his cell phone and asked how they could cure Mello.

"Already?" Light asked, surprised. "Wow, I thought that would last longer."

"Me too..." mumbled Mello. "So how?"

"Well if you bathe in the river to the east of town, you'll be better," Light said.

"Okay then," Mello sighed, hanging up the phone and turning to Matt. "Matt, you go to the kitchen right now. I expect a whole batch of triple chocolate chip cookies as a reward."

And so, Mello went and washed himself off in the magical river and became normal again. Then he went home and everyone lived happily ever after.

_Meanwhile..._

Mello sat up in his bed, wondering about the strange dream he'd just had. On a whim, he turned to his friend Matt and asked, "Hey Matt? What kind of chocolate am I?"

Matt rolled over in bed, making a motion with his shoulders that resembled a shrug. "Milk chocolate, I guess," he mumbled sleepily.

"Why?"

"Because it's tastiest."

"Aw, you're sweet."

"Not as sweet as you, Chocolate Boy."

_Meanwhile elsewhere..._

"Light-kun?" L whispered, prodding Light in the side to awaken his one and only friend. "Light-kun, I have a very important question."

Light grumbled unhappily, sitting up to stare at the world's greatest detective. "What?"

L put a finger to his lips, nibbling on the very tip of the nail. "What kind of cake am I?"

Light let out a sigh of exasperation, falling back onto his pillow. "If I _really_ have to answer that ridiculous question, I'd say you're vanilla bean cheesecake."

"Why?" inquired L.

"Because it's my favorite."

"Aw, Light-kun is so sweet."

"Good. That means you'll like me as much as your cakes."

"Of course, Light-kun."

* * *

A/N: I don't know about this one. A lot of the stuff seems terribly pointless and dull...Oh, whatever.


	29. Stone Soup

Summary: Stone Soup, Death Note style. Two soldiers need some food for the day, and L has just the way to get their meal.

Spoilers: Uhhh...I don't think there are any...

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note (Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata do) and most of these fairy tales belong to Hans Christian Anderson or the Brothers Grimm. Aka, not me.

Warning: Childish and stupid humor along with some OOC-ness

A/N: Why did I not update on Friday? Because I'm lazy, that's why. Expect updates to get a little more unpredicatable, because I'm going into highschool soon and I don't know how much homework I'll have.

I know I have other suggestions to get to, and I'll get to them eventually, but an anonymous reviewer (chibiarie) mentioned this one and I freaking LOVE this story. This is one of my favorite stories ever, but I didn't think of it until chibiarie brought it up. And I couldn't resist the opportunity. I don't know if it turned out too funny or anything, but I just plain love this story, so whatever.

Oh, by the way, this one is a sort of continuation of Triple Tales (Chapter 25, I believe) so it's in about that same setting, for the beginning. (Another story within a story. I hope no one hates these or anything.)

So, enjoy! (At least, I hope you enjoy it. 0.0 And this is another one that I didn't check over, so I apoligize in advance if there are any typos or anything.)

* * *

"Light-kun!" L called out, catching the attention of a certain brunette. The detective shuffled into the room, while a group of kids followed behind him. "Light-kun, the children want a story before bed again. They have promised that they will sleep after one fairy tale. I have completed this negotiation, so Light-kun must read the story."

Sighing, Light shook his head and waved them over. "Fine. I'll make up a short fairy tale."

The kids eagerly sat on the carpet in front of him, and L took a seat near the back while Light cleared his throat and began his story.

"Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess named L. She was very beautiful and hot, but a certain blonde supermodel dragon was jealous of the princess's extreme hotness, and so she locked poor L in a tower. A week later, a handsome and very sexy knight was riding by and he decided to rescue the princess. So he went forward and slew the jealous dragon and rescued the princess. They all lived happily ever after. The end."

Silence fell upon the room, before L piped up from the back.

"Light-kun, that story was terrible," commented the detective, earning a scowl from the storyteller. "I will go find a story off the shelf, because Light-kun obviously doesn't want to help me."

And with that, L stood up from his spot, snatched a random book off the shelf, and took a seat on the couch next to Light.

"Once upon a time..." he began as all the children leaned forward in anticipation.

"There were two brave soldiers just walking away from a finished battle. They hadn't eaten in a day or so, but they hoped to find some food and perhaps a bed in the village they saw up ahead.

But the villagers in that village panicked. They didn't have a lot of food, and they certainly didn't want to give away what they had to some random soldiers.

So they ran about frantically like chickens with their heads cut off, hiding and storing the food in various places so the soldiers wouldn't find it. Then they peeked out their windows cautiously, dreading the arrival of the two soldiers...

"Light-kun, up ahead," stated one of the two soldiers walking up the road. "There's a village. We can get some food there."

"I don't know..." Light replied, looking unsure. "It looks small and empty. What if they don't have any food to spare?"

Rolling his eyes, L simply continued walking and leading Light along for the ride. "Light-kun should not doubt my abilities in the way of gathering food."

"Pfft. Of course I'll never doubt those. Remember that one time when–"

"Light-kun will cease speaking and never mention that incident again."

"Right..."

By that point, they had reached the village. The entire place was deserted, so they walked over and knocked on the door of the nearest by house. The door opened just a crack, and an eye peeped through the small opening.

"Excuse me," L began, putting on his adorable innocent eyes. "We're two soldiers just back from battle, and we have nothing to eat. Do you have anything to spare?"

The person behind the door shook their head and slammed the door shut. It went about the same at the next house. And the house after that. And for all the houses in the village. No one had any food or beds to give the two poor soldiers.

But what really confused Light was how unfazed L was by this. He would have expected his partner to have broken down a few doors and stolen food by now. Or at least threatened someone.

But no. L seemed perfectly calm in the situation.

"Well then, Light-kun," L announced in a voice so loud that the whole village could hear. (That was about the time when Light's brain clicked in and realized that L had a plan.) "It's a shame that we can't get any food, so we'll just have to make rock soup."

Light watched with a look of amusement as some of the villagers poked their heads out their doors, staring at the two soldiers.

"Oh, really? That's great!" Light replied, putting on a fake grin. "I haven't had your delicious rock soup in a while! I'm really fond of the taste, you know."

"Of course you are, Light-kun," L said, smirking back at him. "Now be a good little lackey and sit still. I'm busy."

Light pouted and sat down, while more and more people stepped out onto their front porches to watch. After all, if one could make soup from rocks then they would never starve!"

L turned to one of the villagers, putting on a polite smile. "Do you have an iron pot I could borrow? I'll share the soup with you all if you'll lend me one."

Immediately, that villager nodded and dashed back into the house, returning shortly with a huge iron pot. (And out of the hope for some soup, the villager had also filled it up with water.)

L smiled, taking the pot and setting it down before starting up a fire. A few minutes later, the pot was hanging above the fire and starting to boil.

The soldier reached into his pocket and pulled out a clean, smooth rock that he kept for emergencies just like this. He dropped the rock right into the pot, and everyone watched it splash into the water.

Grinning, L stirred the pot with a stick, sighing happily as a relaxed expression took over his face. He stared up at the sky, spacing out a bit. All according to plan.

"Salt and pepper would go very nicely with this," he stated, looking into the pot. "It's a shame no one has any..."

"I...I think I might have a little salt and pepper..." mumbled one of the women in the town.

L looked over at her with an 'oh, really?' expression, and waved her off. "Fetch it then, please."

She scurried off into her home and retrieved some salt, rushing back out and handing it over to the soldier/chef.

L accepted it with a short 'thank you' before tossing some salt and some pepper into the bowl. He smiled, pretending to smell a particularly delicious smell from the bowl. Light walked over as well, and joined in on the trick.

"Remember that one time we had stone soup with some vegetables, too? That was fantastic! A soup truly fit for a rich man!" Light stated with a small smirk in L's direction.

"Light-kun is not the chef here. I will decide what goes in the soup," L scolded, whacking Light's hand with the stirring stick. He looked around at the villagers, taking in their expressions. "I do think the soup would be much better with vegetables, though. It's just too bad there are none around..."

As if on cue, a bunch of the villagers ran into their homes to grab some veggies, eager to try this supposedly fantastic soup. None of them noticed when L and Light high-fived each other, grinning evilly to themselves.

About five minutes later, the vegetables were carefully stewing in the pot under L's watchful eyes, and the soup actually was starting to produce a tantalizing aroma.

Light smiled, and decided to speak his opinion. "I think–"

"No one cares what Light-kun thinks," L interrupted, causing Light to glare. "However, I think this soup would be even better if we had a little meat to go in it. It would be good enough to be served to a king! But I suppose if you don't have any..."

Without even hearing the rest of the sentence, some of the villagers ran back into their homes and soon brought back some beef. It was cut into chunks and tossed into the pot.

This continued for a few other ingredients, including some bread and wine to go along with it. And by that night, the entire village had a great feast of L's rock soup. The rock was removed from the pot, and L re-pocketed it. Everyone except L ate well. (L passed, saying he preferred sweets.)

Later on in the night, while L was sitting off to the side and watching as some of the villagers happily danced, a young boy came up to the soldier to ask a question.

"Hey, Mister..." the boy began. "How did you make such good soup from a rock? Is it a magic rock?"

"Oh, the rock?" L asked lazily, reclining back in the seat he'd been given. "It wasn't really the rock. No magic at all."

The boy's eyes widened. "Really?"

"Yeah. The rock was just so I could trick you all into giving me food to make a soup so Light-kun wouldn't complain about how hungry he was for our walk back to the soldier base."

Blinking, the boy nodded, understanding. "It was good soup. Can I try that sometime?"

L glanced down at the boy, thinking it over. "I'll give you the rock if you'll give me a bag of sugar."

The child nodded and brought back the requested object. The exchange was made, and all were happy.

On the way back, Light inquired where L had gotten the sugar from.

"It was magic, Light-kun," L replied. "My magic rock got it for me. By the way, I see a very nice stone by that lake over there. Go fetch it for me."

The book was slammed shut as all the children cheered. L got up to replace the book on the shelf while asking, "So what was the moral of the story, Light-kun?"

"Sharing is important in a growing community!" the teen answered.

"Wrong," L said, already getting the kids up and starting towards the bedroom. "If you can trick stupid people well enough, you will never go hungry."

"That's not a good moral."

"It works though, Light-kun. In fact, go get me a rock. I'd like to start carrying one around with me. Just to be safe."

* * *

A/N: I love this story. It's so darn cute. Yay for Stone Soup! Rocks can solve all problems! (Hey! That's another moral!)


	30. Maid Maleen

Rating: T for Something something. I'm too lazy.

Summary: Maid Maleen, Death Note style. Prince L gets locked in a tower for seven yearsdue to his love for Prince Light, but the two may manage to get together after all.

Spoilers: Uhh...Well, Mello appears. I think that's sort of it.

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note (Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata do) and most of these fairy tales belong to Hans Christian Anderson or the Brothers Grimm. Aka, not me.

Warning: Childish and stupid humor, LxLight, and plenty of OOCness

A/N: Okay, I'm a terrible awful person who's a complete failure at pretty much every aspect of life. I'm sorry for the wait and all that. My explanation? No, there wasn't a death in the family. No, I didn't have to suddenly move to another country. My reason for vanishing for like five months (probably more. I'm too lazy to count) is that my obsessions switched. After seeing my older brother play the delightfully cartoony shooter known as Team Fortress 2, I decided to get it for myself. And now I'm downright obsessed with it. This obsession has overidden my Death Note obsession. And it made me procrastinate this fic. For a while. For a very long time.

Finally, out of sheer hatred of myself, I went back and finished it. Then I decided I was too lazy to write the A/N here. So it took even longer. Gosh, I'm awful. I'm sorry.

So all in all? I guess I'm pretty much done with my fairy tales here. It was fun for the time, though. I hope this sort of finale one doesn't totally suck or anything. Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed and all that.

...Am I forgetting anything? I hope not. If I am, too bad, I guess. Not much that can be done.

P.S.: Oh, hey, I just noticed, but I finished this right on 30 chapters. Wow, I picked a good time to become a story-ditching jerk.

* * *

One day there was a guy who got a great idea for a story.

"This is a great idea for a story!" he exclaimed to himself, rushing to grab paper and a pencil to start writing it. He sat down at his desk, got comfortable, and began to write. And this is what he wrote:

Once upon a time... (See, you thought you were getting out of it that time. Oh, no no no. You can never escape the classic fairy tale beginning! NEVER!)

There was a king who had a kid. There was also another king who had another kid. Both of the kids were boy kids and since they were the kids of kings they were also kings' kids, also known as princes.

One kid was named L, and the other Light. L was very, very beautiful, and he and Light fell in love with each other. But L's father (who shall from now on be dubbed Random Dude) wanted L to marry some other dude, and wouldn't let L marry Light.

"I won't marry anyone but Light-kun," L stated bravely, hands on his hips.

"RAWR!" roared Random Dude. "Since you won't marry the guy I'm telling you to marry, then I will put you in this giant tower with no windows or doors and stuff and you won't see the sun for seven years! Maybe then you'll learn how horrible that thing called free will is!"

L blinked. "Will there be air holes in the tower?"

The king paused momentarily, thinking it over before answering, "Yeah, sure."

And so, a giant dark tower was created with no windows or doors. Right before sealing up the last hole, they put L and his not-quite-a-maid-but-close guy, Mello, into the tower, along with seven years worth of food and water (which, to normal people, was about twenty-one years worth of cake, chocolate, tea, and coffee). Then they sealed it up, drilled a few small air holes into the ceiling, and left to take a nap.

"Alright then," L sighed, taking a seat. "We have seven years. What now?"

"I dunno," Mello said with a shrug, pulling a bread knife out of the cabinet. "We could carve our names into the wall."

"Why not?"

Seven years later (They could tell because their food supplies were starting to run out), there were many scratch marks covering the walls. There were fifty 'Mello waz here's on the left wall, sixty 'L was here's on the right, tally marks counting all the days in those seven years (I wrote the story, you do the math) on the other two walls, and a large, very exact replica of the Mona Lisa covering up the entire ceiling.

"They should be back any minute to get us out," Mello announced, adding a few finishing touches to the world map they'd decided to put on the floor. L nodded, and took a seat to rest.

A few more days passed, and no one came. The food supplies they had been given had completely run out by this time. And so had Mello's patience.

"Screw this!" he exclaimed loudly enough that birds outside of the soundproof walls squaked and flew away. "I'm not waiting any more! Go grab a knife, 'cause I'm gonna take these damn walls down myself!"

So the two men carefully picked away at some of the mortar in the walls, and eventually got a brick out. More bricks followed that one, but no one came to greet them. In a little while, they'd gotten a hole big enough to crawl through. Mello climbed out first, followed by L.

They both looked around, only to see that the entire kingdom had been destroyed and burned to the ground. Even the tower had a few scratches and burn marks.

"Well, this sucks," Mello announced, already walking towards the city.

"Agreed," L said. "I say we forget the town and go somewhere else to make a living."

"Sure."

And so they both set off and a wild and magical adventure! (Well, actually, it wasn't all that wild and magical. But it was an adventure, no doubt about that.)

However, no one in any of the towns they passed would give them any shelter or food. They walked for days, and eventually tried to find something out of nature to eat.

"What the hell is this?" Mello asked, plucking the small plant from it's spot in the ground.

"It's a nettle plant, I think," replied L. "Some people eat it."

Mello cautiously poked it with his tongue, then spat the flavor out and tossed the leaf away. "You'd have to have dead taste buds to eat that."

"Or an empty stomach. Not all people are so awesome that they can bend reality."

"Right. I bet they're all jealous, those nettle-eating weirdos."

The days continued on, and still nothing. Finally, they came upon a huge castle in a great kingdom. (Which just so happened to be the castle that the great Prince Light lived in. Isn't that an odd coincidence? Who could have possibly seen _that_ one coming?)

The cook inside let them both help out, but Mello vanished from the story plotline soon afterwards for reasons unknown.

Meanwhile, we shall get an inside look on how Prince Light's life has been going for the seven years that L was locked up.

For the first week or so, Light had gone to visit the tower and yelled at it to see if anyone would reply, but no one heard him due to the thick walls. Eventually, he gave up and went home in a depressed mood. Six years and eleven months later, his father had decided to forcibly marry Light.

However, the girl didn't think she was pretty enough to marry the supreme king of sexiness known as Light Yagami. She sat down on her bed and sobbed all day as the wedding crept closer and closer.

"Misa-Misa will NEVER be pretty enough to marry Prince Light!" she cried.

It got so bad, that the week before the wedding, she refused to even leave the room. The chef had to order someone to go up and bring her meals to her so she would eat. Guess who got selected for the job? Go on, guess. Take your sweet time with this.

-insert Jeopardy theme here-

...Alright, that's enough. Don't hurt yourself.

It was the main character that we all know and love, L! (Well? Were you right? Yeah, I thought so.)

For six days, L brought Misa her meals and the days passed by uneventfully. But on the last day, the day of the wedding, Misa decided that she would have to do something before she embarrassed herself by going out in public next to the amazingly gorgeous (and incredibly sexy) Prince Light.

"But however shall I do that?" she asked herself for no reason. Then, right on cue, L walked in the room and set the tray down on Misa's desk.

"Wait!" Misa exclaimed as L began to leave, having just come up with a great idea. She knew that she was much prettier than L was (Remember, this is what SHE thinks, not what the millions of L fangirls think), so if she had L take her place at the wedding, then when someone found out he wasn't the real bride, she would look much prettier in comparison and everyone would love her!

"You're in luck!" she exclaimed, ignoring L's emotionless stare. "Misa-Misa has broken her ankle and can't attend the wedding, so YOU will go in her place!"

"Pardon me for saying, but..." L replied, rolling his eyes. "Shouldn't 'Misa-Misa' pick someone who is...Well, _female_?"

Misa blinked. "...Why?"

Sighing, L shook his head. "Never mind. I'll go for you. Just as long as I get paid."

And so, a deal was worked out, and within about a half hour, L was decked out in a wedding dress (that fit him surprisingly well) and headed off to the church.

When L arrived at the church, everyone gaped at his amazing hotness. Even Light was left speechless. King Soichiro was the first to speak, as he cleared his throat and stated simply, "Light, this is the one I have chosen to marry you to."

"Really? Hot damn!" Light exclaimed. He turned to his 'bride' with a grin. "You look like this guy that I wanted to marry seven years ago but never saw again due to a bizarre form of disciplinary action!"

"How odd," came L's response. "You remind me of a childhood friend that I wanted to marry seven years ago but never saw again due to a downright strange incident involving builders, some concrete, and a few tons of stone bricks."

"That is so weird."

"I concur."

The two walked down the sidewalk, and as they went L spotted a little plant –A nettle plant, if he recalled correctly– growing out all on it's own. For the sake of being strange, L leaned down as they passed it and whispered the words that were written in his script.

"Oh, nettle-plant,  
Little nettle-plant,  
What dost thou here alone?"

But at that moment, he realized that the poem didn't fit (as it stated something about how he'd eaten the nettle plants. But he hadn't, so that was untrue) and had to use the first thing that came to mind.

"No, seriously, nettle-plant. Please go away. You're ruining the mood," he muttered to it.

"Did you say something?" Light asked, staring down at L.

"Of course not, Light-kun. Don't be silly," L said, standing back up and continuing on the way. Light gave him a suspicious stare, but continued on nonetheless.

They soon came upon a small footbridge. L decided he should talk to that inanimate object too, and so he looked towards the ground and murmured,

"Footbridge, do not break,

I am not the true bride."

"Okay, you totally said something just then!" Light remarked, turning to stare at L. "What did you say?"

"That those shoes make your feet look big," L blurted from the top of his head.

Light blinked once, then twice, then looked down at his feet. "You really think so? See, I told my dad that they made my feet look big, but he was all..."

Light's chattering continued as they approached the church door. L decided to take his chance while Light was distracted and say something.

"Church door, break not,

I am not the true bride."

"Oh Em Gee! You talked again!" Light suddenly squeaked, cutting off his previous rant. "What did you say?"

"I said that the gold trim on your suit brings out your eyes."

"I so totally agree!" And Light would have continued on forever, had he not remembered the small necklace his father had given him to award to the bride. "Oh yeah, here's this necklace. It's for you."

"Why, thank you Light-kun," L replied, clasping it around his neck.

The bride and groom walked inside, and were married with absolutely no problems whatsoever. Then they both went home. L changed back into his normal outfit (but kept the necklace), and everyone lived happily ever–

Oh, wait. Getting ahead of myself. My bad.

So the next day, Misa went down to meet Light herself, and the two of them had a nice conversation. That is, until Light decided to ask...

"So, what did you say to the weird plant thing in the sidewalk?"

Misa blinked. "Misa-Misa doesn't talk to strange plants. She's a good girl."

Light raised a brow. "Well then you must not be the real bride. The bride I married was talking to a plant." He paused for a moment. "That sounds so weird when you say it out loud."

Thinking quickly, (shocker, I know) Misa stumbled to think of something to say. "Um...Just a moment! Misa-Misa needs to talk to her housemaid!" Seeing Light's questioning stare, she explained, "Misa-Misa's housemaid keeps all her thoughts for her."

"Hm..." Light mused. "I suppose that makes sense. Hard to imagine _your_ mind keeping all those thoughts inside. Go ahead."

So Misa scurried off to the kitchen and found L.

"L! What did you say to the weird plant thing on the sidewalk?" she asked frantically.

"You mean the nettle plant?" L replied. Then he told her what he had said.

Misa blinked, confused, but nonetheless ran back and relayed the message to Light.

"Oh. Okay. That's been keeping me up for days," Light sighed. "Now what did you say to the footbridge?"

Misa blinked. "...I need to ask my housemaid."

"Sure, whatever," Light sighed as Misa dashed off once again to find L.

"L! What did you say to the footbridge?" she asked when she found him.

Again, L told her what he had said.

Misa's eyes narrowed into a glare. "I hate you."

"I expected that. Thank you. Don't you have a prince to be getting to?"

Misa nodded and left, going back to Light and reciting the message.

"Oh really?" Light asked, obviously amused.

"Yeah, really," Misa sighed.

"Now you can tell me what you said to the church door."

Misa blinked. (Deja vu.) "Light-kun..."

"Yes, you can go ask your housemaid for your thoughts."

Do I even need to repeat the process by now? Misa leaves, Misa finds L, L tells her what he said, Misa gets upset, Misa runs back, Misa tells Light what L told her that he said.

"Alright then," Light said, smirking evilly by now. "So..."

Misa gulped, sensing what was coming. "What is it, Light?"

"Where's the necklace I gave you?"

Misa paused. "You gave me a necklace?"

Light's smirk grew, and Misa nearly hit herself.

"Oh, right!" she exclaimed. "Misa-Misa's housemaid also holds her jewelry for her! I'll go get it!"

But instead, Misa ran off and fetched the guards. She told them that L had impersonated her at the wedding, and the guards set off to go cut L's head off. (They didn't question it, as they were excited over this event. No one had been decapitated in quite some time now.)

But when the guards seized L, Mello decided to make his reappearance in his good old plot-fairy form.

"Okay, you have to scream," the blonde explained simply.

"What?" L asked in disbelief.

"Scream at the top of your lungs. You know, to get Light's attention."

L sighed, but did what he was told. He screamed as loud as he could, and managed not only to get Light's attention, but also temporarily paralyze the guards.

Prince Light burst in within seconds, and ordered the guards to stop.

"I remember you!" he exclaimed, pointing at L. "I got married to you! And you look exactly like my childhood friend from seven years ago!"

"I am your childhood friend from seven years ago," L replied. "I was locked in that tower for sticking by our almost-marriage." He paused for a moment, thinking. "You owe me a lot of cake for that. Seven years' worth, to be exact."

Light shrugged, grinning. "Sure."

And so, Light and L ruled over the land together as Prince and...And Prince, I guess. Prince and Prince. Misa was punished by being force fed nettle plants, completely frozen in a block of ice (to negate the immense burn she suffered from), and then decapitated (because the guards sure do love their decapitations.)

And they all lived happily even after. (Except for Misa, of course. But I don't need to tell you all that, do I?)

* * *

A/N: Okay, again, I'm totally sorry for all the wait and stuff. And I'm totally sorry about my switching obsessions. If I ever feel like it, I'll write again. Until then...Well, there's plenty of other good stuff to read! Less stupid stuff. With plotlines, and all that jazz.

(I need to work on the plotline thing...And the not-sounding-stupid thing...And pretty much everything else, while I'm at it.)


End file.
